Should I boycott putting my daughter to bed? Should I go on strike?

Question

My wife says that I am mean to our 2 year old. I say that I'm firm. She is always asking to go potty, and ususally my wife lets her sit there for at least 5 minutes a sit. And she rarely pees. I know she is making this up to stay up for a little longer. I'm in favor of just putting her gently back into her bed everytime she gets up, without saying a single word to her. My wife also lets her sleep in our bed after she wakes up in the middle of the night. There have been only a handful of days where I woke up to go to work in the morning and my daughter wasn't sleeping nearby. That is putting a huge strain on our marriage. We have only one child, and my wife doesn't work. I don't feel like helping out at all at home because everything I do is wrong according to my wife. I'm tired of trying, and I really feel like going on strike. What do you think?

Thanks for everyone's answers. They've been great. I appreciate my wife staying at home for our daugther. Like most men, when I said that she doesn't work, I meant she doesn't go out into the workforce daily like I do. No offense intended! We've tried to compromise, but strangely, all the compromises are my wife's original ideas...funny, isn't it? I've even sought counseling for us, but she won't take our daughter to daycare or a baby sitter. I think it is better to have our daughter be watched by a qualified and trustworthy person, than for our marriage to dissolve the way it has for quite a while...

Answer 1

This is so typical, I've seen it over and over. The woman isn't happy unless dad is doing it *her* way. Then she complains that he never helps out around the house (or that she has to tell him every little thing to do)! My friend and her husband divorced over this! He couldn't even brush the girls hair right, the wife would come up yelling and snatch the brush out of his hand. Pretty soon the kids picked it up, and not only did they have NO respect for him, they totally knew how to play them against each other. She's my friend but she's lost a lot of respect for this.

Personally i've learned to be thankful for any help I get, and to let things go. Unfortunately it's not something you can teach...and only having one child things aren't stressed enough for your wife to reach that point. I can imagine it's a lot of strain on your marriage, esp not having that private time with your wife. I agree with whomever said that if you went on strike they'd probably be glad. Sounds like your wife has entrenched herself in the stay-at-home-mom mentality, and she can't stop it when you're home.

All I could say is that you do need to have a talk with your wife. When your daughter finally goes to sleep, just tell her you need to talk. Tell her how much it hurts you that your way of doing things is always wrong. Have a list ready of things she's said recently (women always use those...why shouldn't guys?) that backs it up. Tell her that you miss being married...often women think that being adults goes to the backburner when you have children.

Your daughter is only two, so I'd guess that your wife is worried about potty training. I think if one is that concerned about backsliding, then it was too early to PT, but that's just me. I'd also suggest to your wife that sleeping in her own bed will help her learn to sleep there, so your wife should probably be sleeping there if she wants to sleep with your daughter. Our kids still climb into bed with us sometimes, but it doesn't bother my husband. That's the big difference. it's just basic respect to take into consideration other's feelings, rather than diminish them in relation to someone else's (even a childs') The next time it is your turn to put her to bed, I might say "Am I putting her to bed or are you?" If she starts to intervene, just gently say it again, not sarcastically, not meanly, just "Am I putting her to bed or are you?" Keep your cool, and it'll help when she falls straight to sleep. Get her nice and tired before or right after dinner. Give her a warm bath. Make sure your bedtime routine includes a potty break though, put her on the toilet right before you put her in bed. If she pees the bed you'll have egg on your face!

Anyway, good luck. I hope it works out okay.

Answer 2

Well, if you're going to put her directly to bed, be prepared to change wet sheets in the middle of the night at some point in the future. If she continually gets up then it's a power play. You have to be careful here. If she feels she can play you against your wife, she will.
I don't think letting her sleep in your bed is a good idea. Your bed is a sacred part of your marriage, and that shoudl be the place for you and your wife. I went through this a few nights with my own daughter. I feel like I explained to her endlessly that she had her bed and Mommy and Daddy had theirs. I also explained that I could hear her on the monitor, so if she had trouble I'd hear it and be there to take care of her.

Does she have a nightly routine and a set bedtime? Those things go a long way to establishing a sense of safety and security for a child, and that in turn can help make bedtime easier. For my daughter, it's bath, brush, story, prayers, sleep.

I do need to correct you on one thing, though: Your wife does work. She works at home. A two year old is a handful. Think about how she's frustrating you, now, spend the whole day with that. Trust me, she may not be in an office, but she works.

Answer 3

You speak the language of a wise man... well that's too much but yeah, a one day boycott will hardly do anything to gas prices. That's what i told people at school. If you really want to affect prices, go a month without gas along with a couple hundred thousand other people. But that's not very realistic. So moderation is the key. Do you really have to use your car to get to that store 4 blocks away?.... Most likely not. Try using gas less often all the time.

Answer 4

Wow- this is a tough one but I can totally relate. We love eachother but my husband and I are not always on the same wavelength as it is and then along came our child! More decisions to disagree on! Anyhow, the only thing I feel like I can say with strong confidence is that you and your wife really need to talk this out and find a COMPROMISE. Neither of you are right or wrong necessarily but just have 2 different opinions. Obviously, you might not be able to find compromise but you can always try one thing for awhile and then the other if the first doesn't work. But plan it out- decide how long you will do it for before giving up and stick to it. Act like you both are on the same page around your daughter. Ours is 2 as well, and she can really play us when she knows we don't agree! Also, I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband has told me a couple of times that he thinks that I think everything he does is wrong. When he points that out to me (in a loving way), I don't get all defensive and realize I am just plain tired and have a bad attitude usually. (Being a SAHM is pretty hard "work"- I know it's hard to believe until you do it...) I say sorry and I really try hard not to make him feel that way. Because I really REALLY appreciate whatever help he gives me and I don't want to lose it!! Hope this helps. Please don't stop communicating. This is just one more thing to complicate a marriage and you have to talk it out- don't give up on that.

Answer 5

Your wife and you have to discuss this issue away from your daughter and come up with a solution, you both agree with.
Your child needs a routine to make her sleepy and relaxed.
If she has went to the bathroom one time then that you know she does not have to go, don't let her go again. Read her a short story to get her to relax. If she can verbalize , tell what she did during the day. Don't let her get overly excited though. Then lights out and be firm that it is time for sleep.Don't fight though, as that can keep her awake.
If your daughter gets up in the middle of the night , is she afraid. I remember when we moved to a new house, I would wake and be so afraid, ( my mother did not believe in night lights). Look at the room you are in at night , can you see ghosts, I did! I use to run and get in bed with my parents as I was so afraid. So if she is getting up and is afraid, try a night light.Is she cold? being cold can wake you up also.Try to find out Why?

Answer 6

For better or worse, remember? I know going on strike is how you feel but really it's not going to do anything but build more resentment for both of you. Disagreements on proper parenting is part of the territory and the trick is to find rules that both of you can agree on and impliment...this usually means some compromise for both parties. Once established, put it into practice, see how it works (revise if necessary), and stay consistant if you expect your daughter to follow suit.

My 3 year old uses books as his stalling technique before bed. As much as we encourage reading, we had to limit his bedtime in-take to one (which is all he can grasp right now in terms of differentiating quantity). You do want to continue to support your girl in training so have a timer next to her potty so she knows when the bell goes, she's all done and it's time for bed.

I will say that I support your efforts to encourage your daughter back to sleep in her own bed. It's a quick fix solution to bring your child to bed with you but it has longer-term setbacks as far as independent sleeping goes.

A good read for problem sleepers is the "No Cry Sleep Solution". It addresses how to promote independent sleeping through routine and (among other things) what to do when your child wakes in the night. It worked for me and I think your wife will like it too.

Best of luck. Try to be supportive of your spouse (whether you agree with her or not) and she will be supportive of you too -- just wait and see!

Answer 7

What are you tired of? Disagreeing with your wife in how she handles each particular situation with your daughter's behavior or dealing with your daughter yourself? It sounds more like the issue is with your wife and you not being on the same page on how to deal with your daughter. I suggest the two of you discuss a plan. Allow a transition period and then stick with a routine. If your daughter goes off of the routine then you should back each other up. I don't think giving up is a good solution. Besides, in reality, it is still just as much your responsibility to raise your daugther as it is your wife's. You can't really stand by and allow her to be raised by just her mom alone. That's just wrong.

Answer 8

Its called pushing buttons from a child. I have three and they have all done it. You both need to realize that your child knows how to do it. Just because she is only two doesnt mean she isnt smart. I cant say anything about the sleeping in bed with you part because my kids do it once in a while. But you and your wife need to teach your daughter certain things. Like me, my kids know that when my bedroom door is shut they cannot come into my room. It is hard because she is only two. Tell her that she is a little big girl.

Answer 9

I think you're being a bit anal on the potty thing...what is the harm in letting her sit for 5 minutes...she could wind up going eventually. As far as your method of putting her to bed you have the better of the two ideas. She SHOULD be put to bed gently and quietly and not allowed into your bed. If it keeps up you and your wife could eventually have a teen ager sleeping between you...I wonder how that would go over with her...

Answer 10

Well, I honestly don't think going on strike will help the situation, but I do think that if the whole dad-is-firm-mom-lets-her-get-
away-with-anything thing going on, your daughter will end up very spoiled, and not listening to either of you. Sit down and talk with your wife on how to handle the situation TOGETHER, and stick to whatever plan you come up with. Show your daughter you two are the boss, not the other way around.