My 6 yr old son is having issues after a fire at our home?

Question

We had a fire in our home two days before Christmas that destroyed our home and killed his cat. Since then, my son has been having issues in school. He's getting into fights, not doing his work, etc. We are at the end of our rope trying to figure out how to deal with this. At home, he doesn't want to do his homework or talk about what happened in school. He does not like change, and of course, we are in another place now. How do we get him to settle down in school? How do we get him to open up to us? We are against counselors and think they do more harm than good. (Sorry for those of you who may be reading this) Other than how he behaves in school and his school work at home, he is still our sweet, adorable little boy. Any suggestions??

No, I don't believe in shrinks and yes, I do share personal, intimate questions with "mostly semiilliterate" people on here. 99% of the people on here help others without a problem and don't judge. Maybe there is a reason behind us not liking "shrinks" did you think about that??? The people that answer questions on here are merely suggesting ways to deal with the questions we put on here--don't be so quick to judge since you are one of those "semiilliterate people"

Answer 1

I am so sorry for you and for him.

I agree, some counselors are bad. But the type that don't prescribe drugs are good. They can help him find the problem if he himself doesn't know it. And there is a good chance he doesn't know WHY he's so upset.
Especially at his age, he doesn't know WHY the fire upset him so much. Or WHY the death of his cat is so sad. And he may not know these upset him. Only that now he is really really sad, and mad because he had to move.
He may not even know he is scared of change.

=( I hope he gets better. Maybe you should talk about it to him.

"You know 'Billy', the fire really scared me. Did it scare you? It makes me mad to think about it." etc. etc

Answer 2

Obviously, your son has had a tragic experience which will no doubt affect him. You say he lost his cat, which, I'm guessing, has been a constant in his life for some time? Children have a hard time realizing that bad things happen in the world, partly because they are still trying to figure out how the world works (but, I think we all are still trying to figure that out!). It's common that children don't like change, especially if you have lived in your previous house his whole life. I agree with you in that shrinks are not really a good idea, so I think the best thing to do is to really listen to what he has to say. You need to let him know that it is okay to talk about what has happened and that telling how you really feel can make you feel better. Also, offer to take him to go look at some other cats, if you feel he is ready. If not a cat, maybe he would be interested in another animal. Though children don't really show it, strong bonds are often made between child and house pet. So overall, be supportive of him and be patient, keep on mind that this tragedy only happened about a month ago. Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Well your child has been through a pretty traumatic situation. He lost his beloved pet and his home. This was his security and where he felt safe and loved, understandibly he is upset, afraid, angry and is lashing out. First of all I agree "counselors" pretty much suck their are some good ones but most of what they know they learned from a book. I am a nurse in a VA hospital and there a 25 year old kids be-bopping around trying to "counsel" 60 year old Vietnam Vets sorry folks it ain't gonna work. But I digress, really your son needs to get his saftey net back he is probably suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. He has been a part of a terrible tragedy. He needs to talk about it, he needs to "vent" he needs to know this will probably never happen again in his lifetime (here's praying that it doesn't). Maybe if you would get involved with a church and he could sort of "counsel" with a pastor or a youth leader. He needs to get this life back and feel in control right now he is feeling like he can't control anything and everything and everyone is out to get him. Thats the crazy thing about this stuff really its no ones fault but the victim feels like it is. Let him talk about it encourage it, get it all out. Maybe take him to a fire station and let him talk to the firemen about his experiences. Also take him to animal shelter and volunteer. He needs to gain his confidence back and feel safe again. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Good Luck and I will be praying for you!

Answer 4

my symapthies. ..to me it sounds like your son has Depression. even tho he is so young, he acts like a guy -- depression shows up differently in guys than it does in girls. Since you don't feel comfortable with seeing a professional, you'll need to become the counselor yourself. Please read up about depression, esp. in males & in children.
one of the things that might help, is to let him experience control & safety. He lost both of those things when a fire stole his life from him. Maybe he feels that if he isn't home to protect it, another fire could occur. Has he seen how your new home has fire safety devices? has he himself helped test them so he knows, with certainty, that they work? does he have a way to contact someone if he gets suddenly nervous at school & "needs" to know his home is still okay ? Could he "call home" from the nurse's office a few times a day ? even just hearing his usual answering machine could be reassuring...Are you in a new house, or did you repair the old one? how many changes in surroundings did you add? (when we moved to a "new house", just because my husband wanted a bigger yard, the new house had the exact same floorplan as the old one; but my 3-year-old still cried every time she awoke, for 3 months...then she was okay. She's now 16; and sure enough, every time she goes thru a change of surroundings [new school, etc] she needs 3 months to adapt.) have you offered him another cat ? did an adult at school belittle his feelings (even by accident)?
It's good that you are concerned. The levels of stress hormones (cortisol ,I think) in a child's brain can cause damage over time, that can make it very hard to relax later even in a safe situation; so it's good that you aren't "pooh-pooh-ing" his behavior. Keep trying, & take care of yourself too !!

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear about your loss over Christmas. My heart really goes out to your family. I feel that it is important to talk about what happened and to shine a positive light on what happened (even though that may be hard). It is so important to let children know that everything happens for a reason even though you may not see it at first. Maybe taking him to the pet store to get a new pet (it doesn't havee to be a cat, it can be a number of things, a fish, a bird or like my mom got me once when I lost my pet mouse, Mexican jumping beans!) I feel that being open about how he feels that his kitty is now in kitty heaven is important. Keep trying to talk with him. Make things funny when you talk to bring him out of his shell. I will write more later, but I have to run for now. Best wishes. :-)

Answer 6

We had a forest fire in our community a few years ago, burned down a lot of homes and businesses and nearly all the trees on the surrounding mountains. My husband's place of employment burned down, and we had to move halfway across the country for his new job. We didn't lose as much as you have, and I won't pretend to understand how you feel, but I know how hard it was for us. This must have been horrible, not just for your son but for your whole family. You're suffering as much as he is, but you still have to be the grownups when sometimes you wish someone would just take care of you.

The only thing I can share from our experience is to be patient. My son was a holy terror in school after our fire. I went and talked to the principal and to the teachers, and explained clearly what we had been through. I told them I would be available to come to the school any time there was a problem, and acknowledged that his behaviour was very bad at the time. I asked them to try and be understanding, and I asked them to communicate with me a lot about his day, since he would tell me very little. (We actually started sending a notebook back and forth.) I tried not to be angry with him, just to let him know that we loved him and we understood he was upset. We talked about better choices he could make or better ways he could have handled problems in his day, but we tried to be as patient as we could. I'm not saying we condoned his bad behaviour, but every parent knows that sometimes circumstances make you change your expectations a bit. The biggest challenge we had was to get him to talk about how he felt, so sometimes I would just say something like, "I miss our old friends." or if I was feeling really sad myself I would tell him. I cried in front of him if I needed to, and I told him how angry I felt that the "stupid fire" had taken so much from us. Our fire was caused by a cigarette butt dropped in some dry grass, and for a few months he freaked out and stomped on every cigarette butt he found on the ground. We got some weird looks, but I didn't stop him. It helped him somehow, and he worked through it in time.

Good luck with everything. In time it will get easier.

Answer 7

I agree with telling your son your feelings about your loss. There are a few other things you could do. The fire department has a program where I live where they debrief after a particularly rough fire or emergency. Adults and children can suffer from Critical Incident Stress Disorder and there are ways to help them. They may be able to give you some ideas that can help you work through your sons anger and grief. Your sons world has been turned upside down just like I am sure you must be feeling right now. Include him in the preparations for returning home or to his new home and let him know how soon he will be able to have his own room again. Mark off each day on his own calendar so that he can see how many days to go. It is understandable that he is uncomfortable with not being in his own home. It may help if you can find a way to make a small area his own space. Make his contribution for decorating his room, or suggesting colors for the rooms important and follow through to validate him. The loss of his cat needs closure. He needs to go through the steps of mourning his pet, anger is one step. Perhaps you could make a memory book with him, if you have pictures of the cat put them in the book. Go through magazines with him and pick pictures out say of cat foods, toys or whatever cut them out and paste them in. He can print whatever he would like to say to his cat. Decorate with whatever he would like. Hopefully this will help him to open up and talk about what happened. Pets are very theraputic and great to confide in. Maybe once you have done your memory book you could ask your son to let you know when it is okay to get another cat or some other kind of pet.
I gave my son a "anger pillow" to punch when he was frustrated or angry. I know that they don't recommend it but it was much better he released his pent up feelings on the pillow than his fellow school mates. If you try that, because it is okay to feel anger and to want to fight back, make the pillow have a mad face with a tongue stuck out or something like that on one side and on the other have a smiley face. Explain to your son that anger is okay, so is sadness, fighting is not okay. When he feels good put the pillow happy face up, when he is sad or mad put the fillow with the sad/mad face up. Also, let him know it is okay to hit the mad face side if he wants to hit or fight or if he needs to cry squeeze the pillow and cry (that is okay too). Whatever way you feel is best to work out his feelings. This also gives you an opportunity to see what he is feeling without being in his face.
Be creative. Have your son talk to your foot, or a Teddy Bear, hand puppets work well. However, if you find that things are not improving but getting worse, see your doctor. I suggest that if therapy is needed find an art therapist or a music therapist to work with your son. They do not perscribe medicine. They work with music or art to help the client work through feelings and issues. It would be fun for your son and help him too. I have seen how well this type of therapy works and think this is much better for children than counselling sessions. Play therapy is also good. If your son is not comfortable with one then try the other.
I am sorry that you have had such a tragic event happen, sad about the cat, but grateful that you and your family are alive. I wish you the very best for the future and that your son has a speedy recovery.

Answer 8

My son is 12 with Tourettes, OCD, and rigidity. i visit empathize with you completely....to a level. sure, it truly is complicated and frantic and many times emotionally and bodily onerous handling the moods. yet what you should understand is that his habit stems from the flaws. now to not say that at this age they gained't use it as an excuse to confirm how a lot they can interrupt out with. i haven't got my son on any meds except for the rigidity. except that, I provide him magnesium for the tics and omega 3. they quite help at the same time with his moods and meltdowns. i'd also extraordinarily propose counseling for all of your relatives. Your son desires a help equipment and a secure haven the position he doesn't experience like a "freak" for issues that are previous his administration. showing your frustration is per chance to extend his unfavourable habit. He desires to appeal to close your love is unconditional and in no way compared to his "frequent" siblings. i'm positive he's feeling really a lot an outcast in his own relations. i visit't rigidity the cost of instructing your self and understanding what your son is going by. sturdy success on your relatives!

Answer 9

My grandson was about the same age and he experienced the trauma and devistation of a house fire.It was only by chance they were not home at the time.My grandson told my sister he was glad his bedroom door was closed so the fire didn't get at his things.He did not realize they lost everything but they were fortunate to be a live.It was just by chance they were visiting at our home that they were not home. My grandson needed to be reassured that when their home was rebuilt they would be safe.He was told that he could talk about it if he wanted to talk about the fire. Your son needs to talk with someone about the trauma of the fire.His whole world was turned upside down at a time when it seemed like everyone else was celebrating Christmas.You may think your son can cope with this trauma without professional help but if his behaviour and acting out is only since the fire you may want to reconsider your position on councelling.Perhaps he feels he can't talk to you about it.He is probably still afraid it could happen again, confused as to why it even happened and angry it even happened. I'm sure you want your son to be the boy he was before the fire. As parents,sometimes we don't know all the answers and must get outside help.Ask your family doctor to refer you and your son to a councellor who works with children. His behaviour is not normal. Your sweet boy is crying out to you to help him deal with his fears.Please help him.

Answer 10

First off, Im so sorry to hear about your loss; that had to have been just awful for your entire family.

Im with you, I think counciling might be great for other people, but certainly not for me an mine. I know this is probobly a really hectic time, but is there any way you can get your child involved in something outside of school that wold give him someplace to express himself somehow? An art class (if he likes art), karate, bmx riding, football, etc? Something thats JUST for him, that he really enjoys, might get his mind off of whats going on and give him some diversion. He might even make some new friends! Remember to take care of you too...he needs you now.

Again, Im very sorry, and I wish you peace and wellness.