I am a mom to 4 kids & the oldest will be turning 18 soon. My husband is in the US-Army and his last duty station was in Arizona where my oldest daughter met her boyfriend who is 20 (21 in March) lives. He is a good person that doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs that I know of. They have been keeping in contact everyday by the cell phone he bought her. When my daughter turns 18 she plans on moving in with her boyfriend un-married and his grandma, while only being a junior in HS-my whole family totally is against everything about this. I can't go a day without telling my daughter what a bad mistake she is making and that we don't want her living with 'M' un-married and her dad will be going to Iraq in May and will probably miss her HS graduation next year. It's going to really hurt him that she will not be at home cause he fears that she won't be able to keep herself motivated to stay in HS.
I am depressed almost all the time and the stress it causes on the other kids is wearing on me.
2007-01-17 13:15:41 · 8 answers · asked by LS 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
The member who said to invite the man to live with us. He would not want to do that-we tried-because he wants to live where his family is in AZ. Plus, we are a family of 6 and don't have the room to let him live with us. I fear that with 'J' (my daughter) moving in and sleeping in his bed that I will be a grandma by the end of the year. :( The boyfriends grandma forbids them having sex while under her roof, but I doubt that they will comply.
2007-01-17 13:27:17 · update #1
A member made a few points that I should include. 'J' can't drive so 'M' plans on teaching her. 'M' seems very mellow so I do not suspect that he could become abusive and 'J' would not stand for that and I feel that she would come home.
The grandma of 'M' will expect 'J' to pay $200. a month for living with her. So 'J' has to go to school full time and keep a good paying job to pay that every month. 'J' plans on becoming a vet and the best vet school is here in KS. about 50 miles from here.
2007-01-17 13:38:04 · update #2
By telling her it's a mistake, you're just encouraging it. The law of teenagers--if parents says go right, you go left. Why not help her plan for it? I don't mean encourage her, just give her a dose of reality. What kinds of things is she into (itunes, cds, movies, going out to eat, etc.)? Help her list out how much these things cost and figure out how she's going to support herself. If "M" is going to support her, what will their living expenses be (food, utilities, rent, etc.) and how much will be left over for new clothes, going out, etc.? Of course, they're going to want to save to get a place of their own, so they need to budget for deposits (rent, utilities, etc.) and increased rent.
Also, will she have her own car? If not, what happens when M is out and she needs to go somewhere? What about birth control? That's expensive and not covered by M's insurance if they aren't married. What if they get pregnant? What kinds of costs will that incur?
Also, what are her plans beyond high school? Have you introduced her to any 30-year-old high school drop outs that might make her look at the value of her education a little differently?
Finally, how will she get back to you if there were an emergency? What if M turns out to be abusive when no one else is around? Make sure you give her an out, even if you don't approve.
At 18 she's legally an adult and can do whatever she wants. All you can do is help her possibly see some of the reality and prepare her for the consequences.
Good luck!
2007-01-17 13:31:26 · answer #1 · answered by mybabiesRcute 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
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2016-05-24 01:55:57 · answer #2 · answered by Lorraine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not obsessive in the usual sense, as i think all parents are required to be obsessive when it comes to raising kids. Let`s look at the big picture...when she is 18 according to law she can move away and make her own life decisions. You have to hope that you have instilled in her values that will get her through life. Her mistakes although heartbreaking are hers to own, so she needs to know that you will always be there for her to help her take responsibility for her decisions in life...ie not bail her out, tell her what you really think about things etc...but then just love her...no it isn`t easy...parenting never is. Good luck.
2007-01-17 14:19:17 · answer #3 · answered by Therapist King 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think contantly telling her what a mistake he's making is only going to drive a wedge between the two of you, as well as making her more determined to do it. She knows you don't like the idea & clearly isn't going to change her mind, it's time to start thinking about what's going to happen next. What are you going to do if it doesn't work out? What are you going to do if it does? I could see this causing long term problems in your relationship with her if you continue the way you are.
2007-01-17 13:30:30 · answer #4 · answered by imdevaskyla 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
u have good morals: so im sure u taught ur daughter to have good morals too. no matter how much u want to protect her right now... shes now an independent person who is going to make her own choices. i think the best thing for u to do is trust in her upbringing. let her know that u are concerned for her as a mother, but you are going to let her do what she thinks best. so now she will be thinking "what is truly the best for me" rather then just focusing on what her parents would have her do.
good luck, i hope it all works out for the best!
2007-01-17 14:44:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You aren't being overprotective. Tell her not to go. I agree with the fact that she won't be motivated. Chain her in a room if you have to. This could ruin her future. She loves him so she won't see your side of it. She'll say she hates you but eventually, she'll thank you. A mother's instinct is always right, even when your kids say your wrong...trust yourself and don't back down.
Good luck with everything.
2007-01-17 13:32:10 · answer #6 · answered by Lola 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Invite the young man to come and live with you. It sounds extreme but it will solve a lot of your concerns. And it may drive the two of them apart.
2007-01-17 13:21:43 · answer #7 · answered by Blue 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
if she is in love with him and is a leagal adult you cant stop her
maybe she wants to move in with him more because you are against it
you should tell her that you will support her in her decision but only if she will finish High School
2007-01-17 13:27:17 · answer #8 · answered by Cat 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋