help need advice on how to handle bf's jealous,controlling ex wife we(bf and i) are getting married soon?

Question

my bf has been divorced for 4 yrs but his ex is still bitter about him leaving her and takes it out on us mostly me.she consently talks badly about us to his family,she allways trys to get more money from him(he already pays her more than the courts ordered)and harasses him when he does not give in,has a fit if i go to any school function for thier son(made such a fit about one thing the school has asked my bf to keep me away to avoid any other "problems" with her) these are just a few things i could go on forever.i have never done anything to her and my bf except for divorcing her treats her with respect and is a great dad.the problem is my bf allows her to do this.they both have joint custody but he allways allows her to say and do anything she wants to us he says for his sons sake and not to make waves.we fight over this all the time and he has had it.he said if i don't drop it he will leave me for good .so how can i learn to not let her get under my skin when she pulls her crap?

by the way he did not leave her for me

Answer 1

If you love him, it's going to be a hard road. I am in the same boat. I have been with my man for 4 years and his ex refuses to work together for the children. She berates him in front of the children, spreads lies about him and uses the children as a weapon. She constantly tries to interfere with access and basically acts like a child.

I would tell the school that they have no legal right to keep you away from school functions. If she can't act adult enough for the children, perhaps they should ask her to stay away.

The issue is realising that ultimately your hands are tied. If she is like my partner's ex, everything you do will be viewed as an affront to her. As long as she maintains the battle lines, it will be a long time before some sort of truce comes about.

Your partner is in a difficult position. He has to try and keep all parties happy, but not neglect his children's right to have a relationship with their dad.

At times, this causes dissent, but ultimately, it will be this way until she grows up enough to see the only people she is really hurting are the children. In my experience some women wield their children as a weapon, exerting power and control over the father by preventing access, spreading lies, generally playing the "victim".

Some say the best revenge is success. There have been so many times when I would love to just have 5 minutes in a boxing ring with her, or be able to tell her that she is acting so stupidly, yet I just have to swallow it and move on.

What you have to recognise is that while it's difficult on you, it's also difficult on your man, he's caught between a rock and a hard place.

The only advice I can offer is this: Enjoy your time with your man. Yes it gets stressful. Take a couple of deep breaths, reflect that your relationship is better than hers. Look at the positives of your relationship and work off them.

As long as she's being a bad person, there will always be stress, it's just looking at what you do have and dwelling on those positives.

Answer 2

I know how you feel but I think mine may be a little less extreme though. They were married for 37 years and I've been in the picture for two years. Kids are all grown.His divorce went through first part of December last year and he moved out a year ago before the divorce but I have my own apartment. Since Divorce she supposinly hasn't called anymore except when I was over there last weekend and I could hear her voice across the room, just talking about every thing under the sun but it started with their alcoholic grown son and it went on for about 10 minutes. Well that was ten minutes too long for me and I told him that. He didn't think he was wrong in NOT telling her he had to go because he was busy. Made me wonder if he likes to hear her talk. It may affect our relationship real bad if that happens again and he handles it the same. After all I'm with him now and she shouldn't be calling unless its real important and not to see if he believed what their son said about her. Sorry, your question opened up an old wound. They need to set their EX's straight or may lose us instead.....They better get their act together.

Answer 3

It is time to cut your boyfriend lose. You do not need to take this kind of abuse from his ex-wife. If this man can't stand up to his ex then he won't stand by you when it counts. His son is the
one I really feel sorry for. The boy's mother must run you down all the time in front of the child. He is the one who is really suffering. His mother is still punishing his dad because he
left. She will never stop until he makes her stop. If he really loves his son then he needs to take out a restraining order
against her and fight for full custody. This woman sounds unbalanced to me. Apparently she isn't concerned about her son's well being or else she won't act the way she does.

Answer 4

I'm in the same boat.. 10yrs and 1 kid of our own later we are finally getting married and I still deal with his psycho ex daily!!! It is hard on EVERYONE...you just have to keep trying to take the high road which @ times can be the most difficult thing in your life.....but if you truely believe he is "the one" you will fight! The ex over here has turned the boy (now 13)into a horrible person....this boy is mean, ruthless, and at times violent to my son and openly states that its on behalf of his own mom.......we just hope that someday when he grows up he will realize the truth... Good Luck to you!!!!! (there should b a support group for women like us to vent!!!!!)

Answer 5

He is asking you to disrespect yourself by saying he will leave you if you don't drop it. Essentially, put up or shut up.
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
He is obviously spineless, and any many who won't stand up to his ex wife to protect his new, or soon to be, wife--or 2nd, whatever, isn't worth the time.
Put yourself in his situation. What if YOU were the one with the ex-hubby and this was going on? Would you stand up to the ex or tell your BF to just deal or be done?

Answer 6

There is nothing you can do to resolve this. Make up your mind to stay out of their business and keep you mouth shut. If you cannot...then now is the time to leave and start a new life elsewhere. This is nothing more than a control issue and you are not going to win.

Answer 7

Well, you at least know what you are getting into and since you have decided to marry him, you are going to have to accept a lot of things. His first loyalty will always have to be to his first family; no amount of your jealousy can change that, nor should it. You will have to be extremely patient and understanding. Leave him to handle his ex and his child, he is right not to "make waves".
... as long as you are going into this with your eyes open....

Answer 8

I hate to say this, but this relationship is really hurting you. I would leave if this keeps up. He is allowing his ex to abuse you. This is ruining your life.

Answer 9

SORRY TO SAY , YOU HAVE TOLD TO DROP IT. OR HE LEAVE. WELL I WOULD LEAVE FIRST. BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO ME HE DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM. BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, HIS SON AND HIS EX. AND HE STILL LETS HER CONTROL HIM. BECAUSE OF HIS SON. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK. AND WANTS YOU TO BE PART OF HIS LIFE IN ALL WAYS. MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY. I DON'T SEE YOU BEING HAPPY IN THAT RELATIONSHIOP. GOOD LUCK.