How do I tell my mom she's nothing special?

Question

Yea, at first glance this is a flame-worthy question, but heres the story.

My mom recently got a part-time night job, and she uses it as an excuse to neglect all motherly-duties. She thinks she's the only 40-yr old woman in the work-force and that on the days she's working, doing anything else prior to showing up will make her too tired to work. And thats not just for the big things, she refuses to cook, buy groceries, help me with any task like planning or preperation.

There are 3 kids in this house and so far for the past 7 months-ish I've done every single thing for myself that I wanted.

My mom refuses to do ANYTHING. On work days she sits on a couch, calls her friends until 5 oclock when she goes to work. I know it's not IMPOSSIBLE to be a parent and work, she's making life miserable for me, and I'm a very independant kid, I've done most of the things in life up till now, but now I need her "permission" to do things req. for my future (stupid laws...) what can I do?

I do have a step-dad, but we don't connect.

How can I get her to come to her senses knowing that she's reallly stubborn?

Actually I bring about 13k a year as income.

Is "having nothing" spoiled? I'd rather have nothing and not expect anything than have nothing and know everyone around has something.

Oh it's not chores, I've been washing dishes and clothes for years now. It's things like buying/making 3 meals a day, Buying clothes, paying for class expenses, paying for sports, providing transportation, I used to get some help with that...

Also I'm not 18 yet, so the snappy "move out" doesn't work

Answer 1

well now your not gonna like my answere but it sounds to me like you might be part of the problem your reliability,maturity and resourcefullness have allowed your mother to be way too confortable and reley on you way too much she needs to realize that you are still the kid and have no buisiness being a parent to her other children drop the ball snap her back to reality talk to her if shees to wrapped up in her life to see what shes doing a respectfull talkin to might help cry if you can but always be respectfull she is your mother of course your not the one whos lost sight of that are you

Answer 2

You may be stuck, kiddo. I mean, there may not be any magic words that will wake her up. I agree with you, that working part time doesn't excuse her from anything else, and it's very hard to deal with watching her sit around, pretending she's done something miraculous by working 4 hours a day.

You could mention that you go to school for 6 and a half hours a day, yet still find the time to take care of HER duties...plus your own responsibilities....but that may only get you into trouble. If talking to her doesn't work, the best you can do is watch and learn, and NOT become like that when you're grown.

There ARE things you can do around the house though, that you shouldn't be mad about. There's nothing wrong with cooking sometimes, or doing your own laundry, or even going to the grocery store...but I still say that leaving all of the planning and preparation isn't fair. You sound like you're old enough to take care of the things YOU want. She shouldn't HAVE to do things for you, that you are able to do yourself, but you shouldn't be handed all of her household responsibilities either!

Answer 3

It sounds like she may be struggling with depression. Clinical depression can sometimes manifest as lethargy, and stopping her usual routine (e.g., cleaning up, doing clothes, etc.). Also, with three kids in the house, shouldn't you guys being doing some of the work together? Often, you'd be surprised how things can change, if you all work together. You said that there is a stepfather, but you don't connect. Could it be that she is frustrated at the situation at home, and has simply "shut down", because too many things are going wrong in her life right now? Talk to her--not yell, blame, or get sarcastic--and calmly explain your concerns. If she is not listening, then seek some counseling for yourself; it can help you make some decisions, and perhaps help you in the situation. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

I'm not on your mother's side, but I can say, I am a stay at home mom and I work 20 hrs a week at a day-care. I still cook and clean, but I know I don't get as much done, because it throws off my schedule. I usually clean from 10am-12pm. than my husband comes home for lunch, and then I clean from 1pm-2pm, and then finish from 3pm-5pm and than I cook. Now that I work in the morning, I lose a couple hours of cleaning. Are you being too hard on your mom, or is she really doing nothing? Or is she trying to push you to do something around the house...you don't say how old you are.

Answer 5

I'm not sure what you are trying to do for your future.....that you need her permission for. But it is probably a phase she is going thru. Sometimes it's hard to see mothers as "people" but we are. And I'm sure that if she hasn't had a job in a while this is probably a big deal to her. She is transitioning. If you are as independant as you claim, then she did something right. I would sit down and talk to her. DO NOT ACCUSE HER OF BEING A BAD OR NEGLECTFUL MOTHER. It won't work. Just tell her what you need. And unless you have a job and are paying the bills - clean the house before you ask her anything. Good luck.

Answer 6

Raising someone as ungrateful as you gives her notice that she is nothing special every day.
You are obviously capable of taking care of yourself and benefiting from the fruits of her labor. If she wants to talk on HER telephone until she goes to work and then transfer the call to her cell phone and continue talking until she gets there that's her business.
You don't run anything but your bath water and based on your question, you don't do that often enough! If you get my meaning.
Little brat! The nerve! Stay in a child's place. Get off the computer your mother bought and do something productive other than bite the hand that feeds you. Ungrateful retch!

Answer 7

I feel truly sorry for you. I am not sure if there's any mother who would do that...but....try talking sense to her and see whether she'll listen or not...

Try not to do all those housework...Say that you're not feeling too well and gets tired easily....and she what she says from there...

or have a mother and daughter talk - at the right time and situation...tell her that u need to have a talk with her in private...Pour out what you truly feel....but do appreciate her...do the reverse physcology thing....Say things like..."I understand how stressful and tiring it is to work but you think that you really need her help at the house as well coz...there's no one else you can count on except her and who else could've love you more if not her" I hope this will help... do update me on your progress yeah - [e-mail]

Answer 8

could she be upset with your step dad? Maybe he's not helping/did not help around the house so she is getting him back and its affecting you.?~
Have you tried talking to her? sounds like when you accepted some responsibilities, she just let you have it all and took advantage of it..

try next time you are cooking, say "Mom, do you want to help me with this?" If you are buying groceries, planning or prep.. ask "Mom do you have any suggestions? Will you help me with this?"

I don't know how old the other kids are..If they are old enough get them to help you too...

Maybe you out to join something after school, sports, clubs, etc.. and give yourself a break from the responsibilities and have fun while you are still a kid............

Try talking to a close family member and see if they might be able to help you.....

You are a good kid......I hope everything works out for you.......

Answer 9

My mom is the same way. She'll constantly say, "I need to get out of here too, I have work." "I just worked all day, just let me rest (talk on the phone)". It's not like she's the only person who works. Billions of people do, every single day for longer than she does. She stopped serving us dinner, making us lunches for school, and she's recently become too lazy to take me places that I have to go to. She'll constantly try and get out of it and have me ask everyone else who can drive, even if they're not home. The point is, it's terrible, and there's nothing you can do unless she realizes that she's not the only one who has to work hard to get what they want in this world. Sorry.

Answer 10

oh boy. first let me say you sound like a really good kid and have great communication skills hopefully you are close enough to adulthood that you can be on your own soon.

unfortunately, there is no manual to teach parenthood. since she hasn't 'gotten it' thus far, it would suffice to say she wont 'get' it any time soon.

best to be very clear and honest with her when you really need something important. go to her job if need be--chances are she will sign your permission slip readily just to get you taken care of so she can get back to working.

now clearly, you should have SOME chores/responsibilites around the home, but you definitely should not be raising her kids for her. luckily you have the ability to help out in some capacity.

she will regret it later, but for now you can learn more from her lack of leadership. you will know just what to avoid as you become an adult and maybe a parent. good luck to you.

Answer 11

Time to step up and help the family. If you're the oldest, then it is up to you to keep things running smoothly in the house. If nothing gets done, you need to help. You may not be ready or want to, but you MUST. Your mom needs to get up and do something, too, but not helping is going to really make the house and family fall apart. So now, you take the leadership spot and split up the workload accordingly among the siblings. Make that house function. If she's not going to do it, it still needs to get done. This is called taking responsibility. As Calvin's dad would say, "it builds character."

By the way, who is the meathead that gave me a thumbs down?