Tell me why my husband blames all his bad behavior on being bipolar - isn't he ever to blame for hurting me?

Question

Ever since my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, all of his bad, even abusive behavior gets blamed on the lack of meds before treatment, porblems with meds since treatment, or just the disorder itself. I want to know what if there is anything he actually has to take responsibility for.

Answer 1

That's a crock. For many reasons. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1991. I got on medication and have been ever since but I have a strong personality and sometimes I talk too much or talk too loud and that is partly because of my illness but the blame is not on the illness but on me.

Through the years my family and my friends help me by letting me know when my up and down behavior is getting to them or inappropriate. This is how I learn but my mental illness isn't to blame for my behavior. I am to blame and your husband is to blame. Having a mental disorder is something that we have to overcome but it is not a patented excuse for misbehaving or mistreating others.

Now I can tell you that it is hard at times having a mental illness but what your husband should be doing is working on himself to develop better skills than not doing anything and blaming his problems on a disorder in his brain. That's a cop out and a poor excuse.

Answer 2

I'm really sorry to hear that. Yes, there are many things he needs to take responsibility for. Just because he has been diagnosed as being bipolar does not give him the freedom and the right to be abusive and say and do whatever he wants...in fact having been diagnosed should make him realize what the problem is and therefore make a conscious effort to fix it.
Bi-polar disorder may be a reason for some of the things he says and does, however it is not an excuse...no matter how cruel and harsh it is. It is a mood disorder and he is still in charge of his actions, so he should take responsibility. First of all, if he is going to blame the lack of medication then it is his responsibility to start taking meds. If he is going to say that the meds are in effective, then it is his job to see a psychiatrist and find some that are effective.
Whether or not he is on medication, he knows he is bipolar and therefore should be doing everything he can to manage it and make use of meds etc. that should help control and lessen the severity of his mood swings. To me it seems like he is instead using the diagnosis to his advantage and blaming everything he does and says on being bipolar simply because he feels that he can. Well he can't, and shouldn't be doing that. If he truly wanted to get better for himself and for you, then he wouldn't be using his diagnosis as something he can shift blame onto.
I would recommend maybe checking out some websites or groups for people with family and/or spouses that are bipolar, I think it would probably help you a lot. Youre a strong person and keep holding your head up high. He should be held responsible for everything that you and I are held responsible for, even if he has a mood disorder. It is his job to get help for it and if he isn't doing that and instead is using it as an excuse to get away with his behavior, then maybe you should talk to someone about it (a psychiatrist or professional) and get their advice on what to do. Good luck! I wish you the best,
Anna

Answer 3

It is possible that your husband has bipolar disorder, but only licensed psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose him by consulting the DSM-IV. There is no medical test that can be done to diagnose him (unlike what someone else mentioned). When someone is bipolar, they have periods of mania followed by periods of deep depression. Some people are sexually promiscuous when they are manic however, they would have other behaviors such as compulsive spending, excessive gambling, and drug/alcohol abuse (mania doesn't just cause a temptation, it causes action). Now they don't have to do all of these to be bipolar, but only having one symptom of a manic episode is not grounds enough to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, there are other symptoms. Also, if he never has periods of deep depression, he can't be diagnosed as bipolar. That being said, I don't think he's bipolar because he seems to constantly cheat on you and use possibly being bipolar as an excuse. He may have a sex addiction though, and it that sense he is still sick. He does need help, but if you are done with the way he has treated you, it is not your responsibility to help him get help. He has put aside your needs, your happiness, and your well-being aside a long time ago, and I know your situation is extremely tough, but at this point you need to do what is best for you. I was with a (undiagnosed) bipolar man for two years, and at the end of the relationship I found out he had been cheating on me with a friend for a year or so. A year and a half later, I found out he was diagnosed bipolar, which explained a lot but to me it was still no excuse. He put me through hell, and it took a lot for me to rebuild my self-esteem and self-respect after I broke up with him. But I did it, and you can too. You are not a bad person at all for wanting to leave him, leaving him could be the best thing you could do for both of you. You leaving him may inspire him to get help, and maybe after you both receive some counseling (and yes I do mean both because he has put you through a lot, and it would be good for you to see someone to talk about this with), you can decide if there is anything there between the two of you. I hope this works out for you, just try o remain strong, and remember that you need to put you first now.

Answer 4

My daughter and I both have been diagnosed with this condition. But it is not an excuse for those kind of actions. This is 2007 and there are fabulous meds to control this disorder. He may have to try different ones until he finds the ones that work right for him. We spent 5 years finding the right combo for my daughter. But God bless her, she was a champ and managed to live her life with very few people other than her and me being able to tell there was much of a problem. She hurt like hell inside, but she controlled it on the outside very well. You need to help him pull it together and get on the right meds because from someone who has been to hell and back -- depression, bipolar all that stuff is VERY real. And those that say it isn't just haven't had to deal with it. But in the mean time until he finds the right medication he needs to not use it as an excuse to be abusive. He has to bite the bullet and plow ahead knowing that he will find relief if he does what he needs to do--get the right meds.

Answer 5

I personally think that whether he says he is bipolar or just detached, he is blaming something 'unctonrollable' for his actions. The truth is that there are options that enable the control of the disorder but he isn't following them through the way they are supposed to. It maybe isn't the same thing, but me having problems in my life doesn't mean I can lash out at the next person and especially those I care about. Whatever the condition, it is up to the person to protect those they care the most about from the side effects of their condition. I think that being with a bipolar person is something that might take a toll on you none the less and whatever he tries may not always work. The question is, are you ready to conciosuly accept the 'sudden and unexplained' behaviours that are bound to happen with this disorder?

Answer 6

This is such a delicate area. Yes your husband was diagnosed, but that doesn't mean much to be perfectly honest. They can be wrong. He can have one form or another of depression or anxiety. I know a few people who were diagnosed with bi-polar and then changed to something else. It's a very popular diagnosis. Regardless, this diagnosis is not a free pass to be abusive to you or anyone else. He is responsible for his ACTIONS. He may not be able to control the way he feels right now, but he can learn through cognitive behavior therapy, meds, counselling, etc how to slowly cope with what is going on his head. He may not get better tomorrow but he does NOT have to be abusive. There is another way to treat the people you love who, by the way also have to live with bi-polar not just him. It will be a wake up call to him the day someone stands up and calls him on his actions and says NO. This will not do. I will not allow you treat me this way anymore. I would speak to a counselor if I were you. This affects the whole family and I would get information if I were you. Best of luck.

Answer 7

This is a really tough question. I can "hear" the anger in your words, and understand completely. It's really, really hard to understand something like bi-polar, especially when you're not the one suffering from it. I do believe that a lot of people who suffer from depression, whether it be bi-polar or plain old down in the dumps depression, tend to use it as a crutch. But the fact that it's used as a crutch all goes back to the depression itself. It's like the proverbial chicken and egg... which came first? Speaking from the viewpoint of someone who has been clinically depressed (though not bipolar), I can only tell you how my spouse has influenced me. I went through a period of depression, very very deep depression, for about 4 years. My spouse was my rock. He took so much crap from me that, to this day, I feel like there's nothing I'll ever be able to do to make up for it. In retrospect, I did use depression as a poor-me crutch. I don't know why, but I did. But the bottom line,- no matter how depressed I was, * I * was the one responsible for my actions. To think that a person has absolutely no control whatsoever over their actions because they're bipolar or depressed is (for the most part) ridiculous. I say "for the most part" because I do believe there are exceptions, where people really are so "out of their mind" so to speak, that they can't make solid judgments. In my opinion, that's when it's time to check in to the hospital.

Answer 8

Not only he has bipolar disorder which is no fun for family members he's is also acting like a "victim" - he'll blame everything and everyone, but won't take any responcibility to make any positive changes. That's typical victim pattern. If he's treated for bipolar chances are he is also in councelling. Sudgest he bring it up with his councellor. Convenient form may be "My wife blames me in victimizing myself". Councellor will know what to say.

Bipolar or not - he is an adult and he's supposed to take responsibility for his actions and make some positive changes. Now that he understand that he has a problem he has to learn to live with it and let others live happily next to him. Not all of his shortcomings are due to this desease. If he's not willing to work on his shorcomings and/or try to work around his condition - you might consider leaving him.

Answer 9

I'm not saying that husband does not have bipolar. You state that he has abusive behavior. People that are abusive don't take responsibility for what they do because if they did it would mean they would have to change. If you feel that you are being abuses get help for yourself so you can leave before it's too late. the abuse will only get worst though there may be times good time in the between. while he may be ill and you may want to help him you need protect yourself and your kids (if you have any) it would wise to goggle domestic violence

Answer 10

hi my aunt was diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago. and let me tell you she would walk down the middle of the highway looking for pennies! she lost her job because she just couldnt handle it. her marriage is about to end because her husband cant deal with it anymore. she cries then gets mad. i dont know but all i can say is it might just be the disorder and the meds combined. that bipolar disorder is just something that makes ppl basically go crazy. not that your husband is crazy. im only relating to my aunt that im very close to. i hope i kind of helped by telling you about someone i know with this disorder. good luck! all i know is that my aunt isnt the same person she was before she got diagnosed.