My relationship with my mother is so hurful :(?

Question

She doesnt value me, she just doesnt trust me, I have never done anything to hurt her, actually I was always there for here, I was always caring for her (now I know this was a way of abuse from her), she is judgamental, controlling, and cruel towards me.
I am about to have a daughter. She is happy about the baby, but she never asks about me, she asks about my husband, and how much I am caring for him, but she never asks if he is caring for me.
My relationship with her affected my self-esteem, I am feeling so insecure about my capabilites, about being a mom.
I am going to therapy to get better, but it hurts me I have to deal with a situaiton like this, I wish I could call mom and ask her for guidance, to get support from her, to know that she enjoys knowing what is going on in my life, to be happy to see her each Christmas, to be happy to buy her mother day's gifts, but she is so distant and cold that I feel anger and resntment towards her.

Answer 1

you have no way to control your mother, the only thing you can control is how you react to her behaviour, take her terrible behaviour and keep it as a lesson on how not to treat your children, as for your mom, why bother with her, you know it is only going to cause you pain, You can not make a silk purse out of a sows ear, so stop trying. also you keep wanting her to be a mother, she doesn't know how, so give up on those expectations

Answer 2

Forgive her.

She can't give those warm and fuzzy things to you. She may not be capable of doing those nice things. If she was paralyzed, you could not expect her to walk across the room and give you a drink of water. See what I mean?

I don't have a close relationship with my mom where I could call her about everything. We live across the country from each other and we are as close as we've ever been.

Part of it is giving up those dreams, those expectations and I know it's hard.*

Perhaps God will give you another mom who can be there for you.

In the meantime, you are seeing a counselor which is good and I recommend that you continue as long as you are able. Keep your mom at a respectful distance and ask God to give you wisdom. He will!

Congratulations on your baby--you're going to be a fantastic mom!

Answer 3

You know, there is really no such thing as the perfect parent. She really can't help being controlling, judgmental, etc., because it's part of the make-up of her personality and she hasn't any reason to change. She can't have a reason to unless you give her a reason. Talk to her and tell her her actions have affected you. From what you told me, her mom does care about you. C'mon she asked about your husband; she wanted to know if married life has been going to you. She doesn't ask about things in your life, because she does not need to know every single detail about your life...that would be nosy. You have to remember that she isn't hurting you intentionally; you have to tell her (more than once, several times even). It takes time to change your ways. It does suck, but life is funny sometimes. Jut talk to your mom.

Answer 4

I'm not real sure what question you are asking here... But, it sounds like your mother has issues probably from being raised by a parent that was cold or distant towards her. The only thing you can feel absolutely great about in this situation is that you are going to give your child everything you always wanted from your mother. I found that in my own life that by nurturing my children I somehow nurtured the child in me. I acknowledged my own pain by vowing to never let history repeat itself!!! You just have to reach a place where it's all about your child now and all about making sure you are loving and warm towards them, it will ease your hurt and fill a void.

Answer 5

You need to sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel. It seems to me that she isn't interested in having a decent relationship with you which caused you to have anger and resentment towards her! Besides, if your mother doesn't want to have a relationship with you, then the best thing you need to do is to move on with your life without her! This maybe very hurtful and disappointing to you, but why bother maintaining a relationship with someone that doesn't love you back? Think about it! You deserve better! Good luck!

Answer 6

Stop trying to get her approval. She'll never give it to you because that's her way of having power over you. Continue therapy and ask youself why you let her treat you like this. Because you are the one letting her get away with it. You need to cut the apron strings and look to your husband for partnership, not your mom. And don't let her be around the baby. She'll either use the baby to hurt you more or hurt the baby the way she did to you.

Answer 7

I am currently in therapy for the exact same thing your dealing with. my mother told me i mean nothing to her & she doesn't know me anymore. And is very hurtful. My therapist gave me some advice. He said she doesn't love, want or need you, she hurts you and is clear on how she feels about you. He said stay away, let her go. I havent talked to her in a month and it is killing me. It will always hurt until u do something about it.

Answer 8

im sorry to hear this. I think you should politly tell her u feel this way, if she is a half decent mother she will reassure u. if she starts shouting or hurling abuse and rubbish at u then tell her u dont need a mum like her! then dont contact her for a while and see if she tries to contact u, if she does contact you then do speak to her, she may well just have a hard time showing her emotions towards you.
if u need to chat u can IM me anytime ok . if it is your first baby and u need any advice feel free to IM me as i have 2 young babies myself :) remember keep smiling!!!!

Answer 9

I agree with many of things people have answered with already. I read yours because it is my life too. I had 4 cousellors/physcologists suggesting that having contact with her was not healthy for me as she was that damaging to me. By the way 3 of them where her own physcologists. One time it was in front of her because she was trying have me 'set straight' by having a physcologist agree with her. The physcologist turned towards her and stated 'if you were my mother I'd be so angry with you, how dare you treat anyone and most especially your daughter this way!?!' The event my mother was trying to control but I wouldn't comply with her demands.... when I gave birth to my first child I wouldn't let her in to witness the birthing ....!!!! At the time the screaming scene she created at the hospital was out of a physcotic movie.
I tried so many times and every way possible to make a relationship work with her. I honoured her for things I could be grateful for in front of 200 women at a mother/daughter event. She still claimed me to be the most ungrateful daughter.
Finally one day she was on one of her rampages and she spoke to me with deep utter desdain and hatered to me that it made my knees buckle and I nearly threw up. That was the last straw, I said this person can no longer be apart of my life. I wrote her letter stating as such.

Answer 10

We had a course in nursing school about family roles. Your rle was always the caregiver and she just lost you. She's the one needing therapy, not you. Until she can accept that people change, she won't be capable of it herself. Keep her informed about what's going on, but don't expect anything from her.