mother trying to turn my kids against me?

Question

my mother is 66, I am 45. I have 2 children, my daughter is 23, married with a baby girl, and my son is 12.
My husband, me, and my son moved in to help when my father became ill. He passes away 3 years ago.
My husband took over all of the house payments and all of the bills
of living expenses. I also work 2 jobs.
My mother does nothing but complain about everything.
When my husband is around, she acts like an angel, and starts
sighing, putting things away as if she has been doing all the cleaning! She tells my son and daughter that I am lazy, when I am the one who does the cleaning, cooking, and everything!
She doesn't do anything"! Only watches TV until she hears my husbands car pull in the driveway, then she starts the act!
As I said, I work 2 jobs,, and she keeps telling me to give her money for this and that, when my husband has already payed everything! I found out that she has been doing slot machines! She is telling my kids I am lazy and dont give her anything!

she lies to them, when she takes all my money! She went out and bought a new car, telling me to pay 300 a month, plus everything I have been giving. I am tired.
I want to spend time with my kids but have to work or hear her bitching about me not giving her money!
She hasn't worked for 15 years, but is healthy and can if she wanted to. There are older people who can do simple jobs.
She acts disabled, and even acts that way around my husband, so he feels sorry for her.. It makes me sick!

as i said, i work 2 jobs, and when i am at work, she tells my son that I am hateful and dont take care of her. My son tells me because he gets upset when she tells him bad things about me, when he knows best that i do everything i can to keep peace in the house. My husband is a very nice person and I just would hate to have to tell him about what is really going on in the house.
That is my question.. How should I break it to him that she is actually using him! and our family!
When my father passed away, she got insurance from that, and also, my father was in the military so she gets all the benefits from that too. So she DOES have money. I never took anything from her all my life. I have been working since I was 16, and taking care of myself, put myself through school too.. My brother who is older does nothing to help me
I want to die.

Answer 1

Ask her if she wants you all to move out,,that may make her realize a few things.

Answer 2

Your mothers is not only pitting your children against you, but also your husband. At first I thought maybe your mother may be in need of some mental health counseling, however her actions and intentions fall right in line with someone who has learned to get attention or what they want by manipulatiing situations. I would guess that if you were completely honest with yourself, you would agree that she has been this way for most of your life.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS:
Now that I have your attention, think of what you have learned and adopted into your life from what you have been taught by your mother in this respect. You are 45 and are portraying yourself as an unconfident victim and are sounding helpless when you really are none of those things. Don't adopt the role that she has defined FOR you! You can and MUST for your own sake and that of your children be and exhibit confidence and respect. If you allow people, including a parent to disprectfully walk all over you, your husband will do the same and your own children will eventually learn to do it too.

Do you realize that your question did not include anything about whether or not you should continue to accept the verbal lies and abuse? It is almost as if you feel entirely helpless to change the situation--BUT YOU ARE NOT! You have obviously been taught for years that you are not capable and should take varying degrees of abuse and that you are powerless to change your life. I would suggest you get some counseling immediatly and if you can not afford it, find some free counseling through the community or a house of worship. It's not too late to grow up and take on an adult role. Don't be afraid of it!

Your first obligation is NOT to your mother, but to your children and your husband--hence, your own family. You must talk to your husband and make a definite plan to move out.

Answer 3

Well it sounds like you have a full house but please keep in mind that your mother did give birth to you i assume she raised you. How much of a pain in her butt were you to her when you were a kid. She is a senior and she probably dwells on that knowing she will die leaving you sad. So what if she plays slots its no different than you buying 3 or 4 scrtach tickets, we all gamble at some point in our lives. If you really feel like she is being a burden to you then make her go and live in a seniors home or have her stay with another family friend. As far as your kids they know the truth, they know you're not crazy and you are silly to think they would love you any less if they did think that. If your mother is truly saying these things to your kids just ignore her and tell your kids "oh grandma just lost some more marbles" and then laugh that way everything is joking. Don't beat yourself up about this or you will have a nervous breakdown, trust me i know exactly what your going thru, it will only get better ok.
Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

If your mother lives in the U.S.A., she should be receiving monthly social security checks, since your dad passed away. Has she applied for those benefits?
If not she should as she'd probably drag in around 700 to 1000 dollars a month.

I wouldn't stand for someone wasting your hard earned money on slot machines. Nor would i put up with her bad mouthing you to the kids.

I'd suggest putting your foot down. You are an adult and you can have a talk with her without your husband and i'd be really firm with her. Don't let that old biddy walk all over you.

If your husband gives you any flack, you might mention the "D" word if he doesn't back you up on this.

Answer 5

Put on a hidden camera and video tape her at her worst. Then show it to your husband in private. If your children and husband don't know how you are by now, then I feel sorry for you. Having to live with a parent is very difficult and it can be very stressful. Your mother doesn't sound very grateful for the help. Perhaps you should sit down and talk to her and tell her how bad she makes you feel. How does she get to the slot machines?! Take the car away . Boy, you've got a problem. Good luck.

Answer 6

If your family does not believe you, you could hide some camera or recorders around the house. Now you have something to use a prof. Don't do anything on day and let them come home and see what the house could really look like.

OR i know she is your mother and all. But you could just take you family and move. You and her are both grown with your own lives to take care of.


If she's making you pay for that car take the keys it's yours!!!!! Don't let her drive it. If she need a car go get her a cheep beater.


JUST SIT DOWN AND TELL HIM. IF HES A GOOD MAN LIKE YOU SAY HE WILL UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELING AND SUPPORT YOU IN WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. EVEN IF IT WAS THAT YOU WANTED TO LEAVE AND MOVE SOME WHERE ELSE.

Answer 7

That is nuts!! I think it is about time you sit down and have a good chat with your husband, children and mother during a family meeting and lay down the law. If that does not work then put her with assisted living or hire a nurse and move out! This could ruin your marriage and your relationship with your kids. If she has everyone believing her then maybe it to be best that you suggest hiring a nurse and moving out due to the fact you want to have a life of your own without the constant care of your mom. Good Luck!

Answer 8

You are living in her house. It is good that you provide money to pay the bills; however, she is putting up with you, too. Would she be eligible to draw social security income on her husband's earnings if not her own...were you not so generous to move in with her? It could be that she misses her privacy. It sounds as if the circus came to town and decided to live at her house.

If she speaks disrespectfully of you, perhaps she doesn't realize what you 'work' at. It may be helpful to talk to her about the tasks that you perform at two jobs. And, about her entertainment choices, if she has money to spend on the slot machines or anything else that is legally acceptable for her to do with it, get over it. She has as much right to spend hers the way she deems fit as you do yours. Furthermore, how could you possibly 'know' what she does all day except worry about the comings and goings of so many people..if you are rarely there due to your 2 jobs?

Would it be unfair to you to give her something [money] to allow her the dignity to leave the premises long enough to interact with people her own age? It is obvious that you resent her and probably do not have the courtesy to keep it to yourself. If she tells all of you to 'hit the road', would it be necessary for her to say it twice?

An elder gentleman would be much more suitable to share expenses with her than a bunch of ingrates that lack the adequate respect for their elders.

Answer 9

Have a sit down with her and your husband, so that you have someone to lean on also. Explain to her that you and yours have upturned your lives to be there for her in her time of need, but now you don't feel as if she even cares about your feelings. I would let her know that you love her dearly, but you can not go on living with her like this. Let her know that your children and your marriage will come first from now on and that she can not interfere with that because you would never try to do that to her. Maybe even go so far as to suggest that she find a part time job or even volunteer work at a hospital or something to occupy her time and help her to feel useful -- that maybe why she tries to take credit for what you do -- to make herself feel useful.... keep your head up!

Answer 10

Do you know what you should do? Just agree with her on everything, that will piss her off. But she is 66 yrs old, she's old and older people do alot of complaining. Just love your mom while she is there with you, cause one day she is not going to be there and you'll miss her. Just love and enjoy your mom while she's here. Just go up to her and give her a big hug and talk to her without arguing and tell her what's bothering you. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck

Answer 11

You deserve better as a family. She doesn't have to victimize herself. it very sad she had too loose her husband, and you guys are great for helping her out thus far.
What does this do to your relationship as husband and wife and as a family with the kids.
She probably is receiving pension and well, that's where she needs to live of. It may sound harsh, but thousands of people do it and don't have providing angels like you are.
Talk to your husband about looking for a place of your own. you came to help to nurture and take care of father with a very long stretch, it time to move on. Let her take care of her own expenses.