Why is my mother in complete denial?

Question

My mother is bitter and lonely. She raised my sisters and I alone after my father's death, I was 9, my other sister 8 and my middle sister 15.
Before my father's death she was very loving towards us, then after a while she became distant, unforgiving, manipulative & controlling. She guilt me into working for her in a small buisness we had and treated me really bad there, I couldnt go cause she made me feel responsible for the economy of our home, she completly denied my needs as an adolescent, she would also appear weak and I was so scared for her health and she would reinforce it by telling me that I was her "right hand" and that she needed me.
She treated me so bad I decided for mental and emotional health to leave her cause living with her was toxic for me, I was becoming suicidal from all the stress at home and the lack of love and guidance.
I am in theraphy right now and have realized that my mother didnt parent me after my father's death, and that she abused me emotionally.

I am 24 years old now, and Ive tried to communicate with mom to tell her all that I am learning about parenting and that she hurt me really bad, she still denies most of it and treats me as if I am a spoilled brat and an ungrateful daughter for all she did for me.
I hate it cause I want to have a realtionship with her but I dont want to get close if I know she will continue to treat me wrong, that is why I want her so bad to open her eyes.

Answer 1

I feel for you in a way that,unless someone has gone through all that,they just don't get it. I'm 45 yrs.old, and have 2 sons.(18 &14). I've been ACTIVELY been trying to "connect" with my mother for almost 18 years. After having children of my own is when it really started eating at me.
I didn't have an abusive father,it was just my mother who wasn't emotionally available to any of us kids. My dad is a man who adopted the 4 of us after he married my mother. And after the age of 4, 5 or 6 - the age of accountability - she couldn't deal with kids who actually had their own opinion. Especially me. The outspoken,question-asking,defender of my little sister one. She only had - and only STILL has - enough emotion or affection or empathy for her husband. We weree in the way,yet our lives in print wouldn't seem that way.
My mother dealt with us kids in a sneaky,insidious cruel way. A way my father NEVER saw,and still doesn't believe.
But at this point, I'd settle for her to be good to my kids,and forget about MY past. The thing is,though,that she's still the same sneaky/manipulative person in denial she's always been. I had to make the conscious choice to just cut her out of our lives. She was making me seem like I was crazy. And sad to say,I agree with the other people who told you not to expect your mother to change or accept ANYthing different. Don't make yourself crazy with the guilt "giving up" on your mother is going to naturally make you feel. My mother is so quick to tell me to get over everything - the past,my "problems",etc. Yet she can live in total denial of anything she may have done wrong. Those kind of people can't admit they've ever even made a mistake,let alone feel for you or apologize and mean it.
I'm STILL in therapy over it. Not on a real regular basis,since I've heard it all and know it all about my mother. What you need to do is find someone/a therapist that can walk you through learning how to give up. That's a hard thing to do when it's concerns someone you THOUGHT should have regard for you,ESPECIALLY your mother. But the mothers we have - and millions of others have - are people who make no sense. Not to me,anyway. I mean - how can they be a human being without ever having made a mistake or done one single thing wrong in their whole life..??? That just doesn't make sense. In the purest way,too. There probably isn't anything you can do except realize or learn that it is NOT your job to follow your mother around your whole life like a dog waiting for her to throw you a bone while she spends her time acting like some innocent victim of you "attacking" her. Believe me - I KNOW.
You're worth more than that. Don't wait until you're my age to claim the right to stop letting her control you. (Because she still is.) It's hard,but some people just aren't going to change. But just the fact that you feel something's not quite right with y'all's relationship proves that you ARE different than her. Take pride in that,and always do what you know is best for your kids.
Write me anytime :)
Susie

Answer 2

Well Cookie, I can only say that I know what you're going through. There was this documentary on ABC a while ago it was called "The Real Angela Shelton" it was about a girl who had gotten molested by her father and older brother when she was a girl. In her life she was getting into all this trouble with the law and she couldn't get her mind right because of what happened. She goes into therapy and realizes that she wants to confront her father. When she shows up he acts like everything is normal and denies everything he had ever done to her, her brother confessed and apologized and she forgave him. Everyone has problems with their parents, I have a lot of problems with mine. Emotionally I didn't think they were there for me once I reached a certain age. We could have a fight, someone could get hurt, and the next day everyone would act like nothing happened and everything was fine. The scars never go away, they only get bigger and bigger unless you let it out in some way. My father and mother both had some bad childhood experiences so that rubbed off on us. There are good times and there are bad times. Children don't come with a manual. There's no one there to tell them what and what not to do. Your mother probably is sick and your father probably kept her in line with you guys...you lost a father......but she lost her best friend, soul mate, and lover. The weight was on her after he died. She was widowed with three young girls to take care of....when you lose someone you love ultimately you don't want to get close to anyone else fearing that you may lose them. Her feelings are understandable.....I know she's your mother sweetie and that makes it hurt all the more, but if you keep letting her dictate the rest of your life because of what she did you would be no better than she is. You don't ever let anyone else have the control over your life, mother or not. Your life is yours to live not hers. No matter what my parents did, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let anything they did effect how I live my life. You have to do what's right no matter what, if you don't than your children and your husband are going to suffer because her mistake. She denied everything, let her. You know what she did...everyone makes mistakes. You have to forgive her, if you don't you're the one who suffers. She's sleeping at night....while you're crying yourself to sleep. Move on.....leave whatever's in the past in the past. If you want to have a relationship with her. Wipe her slate clean and don't ever bring it up again.....people find it hard to face the truth when it's staring them in the face. Just make sure you don't make the same mistakes she did. I wish you all the luck in the world sweetie, you'll be in my prayers. If you ever need to talk I am here.

Answer 3

You will not get your mother to change her attitude. It has worked for her in the past and she does not know any other way to act.

Yes, she used you. You will have to get over that for your sake. But she was probably traumatized by the death of your father and she had no one to help her. She did the best she could at the time.

Answer 4

It's probably not going to happen. My mother was also emotionally distant and my father was abusive. They don't do it to be cruel, they just have needs to the point where they can't see yours. My father died at the age of 86 still believing he was helping me grow up to be tough, and my mother still remembers things the way she wanted them to be and not the way they truly were.

Answer 5

She may never open her eyes just like she may never get over the death of her husband.