my mum and dad split up when i was liitle and to be honest my dad was a complete git! he is not a nice man at all, i have not seen him for bout 10 years and he just got in contact with me at christmas completely out of the blue! says that he has changed and seems desperate to become a part of my life.im 24 now and my dad did some really horrible things to my mum and me.....and i just cant seem to let things go but at the time im thinking i should give him another try, my mum is hurt that he has been in contact as when i was little he never gave her any money to help her with finances (he could afford it) and he never wanted anything to do with me. i just dont know..............
2007-01-17 07:48:13 · 12 answers · asked by kez 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You have to follow your heart on this one, and don't be influenced by guilt from either party.
2007-01-17 07:52:28 · answer #1 · answered by Rachael H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the person who said you have to follow your heart. But how do you know what's in your heart when you're confused? You take some quiet time, sit somewhere quiet and calm and just think it over. Talk to a friend or two. take some more quiet time, pray if you're religious. But IF you decide to forgive him you must remember that you have to forget the past too, and make a new relationship with him from scratch. You'll have to tell your mum that although you understand her point of view and respect it, you have decided to forgive him and then ask her to respect your decision even if she's against it. She's probably very worried that you'll get hurt - so you'll have to convince her that you're prepared to be disappointed and will be able to cope if your dad hasn't really changed. You'll have to keep your life with mum and your life with dad separate. I hope it all works out for you.
2007-01-17 19:08:58 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know 'what it is you should or should not do,' from the picture you have painted here. However, it might help you to move forwards if you could talk with your dad and tell him just how you saw the things you've written here, and what they meant to you, when you were growing up.
Sometimes we are only aware of the hurts in one person and the anger in the other ~ without knowing the reasons for the anger and the causes of 'the situation.'
Ok, that's no excuse for 'a troubled young life,' but as you've grown older I don't doubt that you'll have met conflicts wherein you have some insight into the seemingly irresolvable conflicts ~ which may or may not give you some understandings of the past.
It might help you if he could explain (apart for many of the Why's of the past of his behaviour) to you What has caused his change (of heart)? Why does he want to be a part of your life? ..make him 'work' for your trust because after all, he's selling, and you have to decide whether you are buying!
Someone I knew was sexually abused as a child for over 10 years by her father. She later confronted her father with her all of angers over his behaviour - AND - not once has he apologised to her because, to do so would be to acknowledged what he did to her, and he's seemingly not capable of taking the responsibility for himself and his actions.
Some people are like that ...though it was nor has ever been that her Mother ever confronted the Father about any of his behaviour to or towards their daughter. She would seem to have been complicit to this situation, even in her absence.
Some people (for a whole spectrum of reasons) are like that.
Make your Father work for your trust and love.
Best of luck to you all.
Sash.
2007-01-17 13:50:45 · answer #3 · answered by sashtou 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a difficult situation to be in, I can appreciate how hard it must be for your mum and she understandably is finding it difficult, after all she was the one who got treated badly but still had to provide a home clothing and food for you, and she had to put up with the sleepless nights when you were ill and all of that stuff. Being a parent is hard enough when you've got a husband/partner, let alone when you are on your own.
However, whatever he's done he's still your dad, and if you can forgive him for the past then you should make an effort to form some sort of relationship. I would advise you to do what you think is right, no-one else can make this decision for you.
If you do have a relationship with him, be honest and upfront with your mum, and explain to her how you feel and that you understand how difficult this is for her, but as you are older she really doesn't have to have anyhting to do with him.
Have a good think about what you want to do and write it all down if it helps. But one thing I would advise is that you take it slowly, and make sure your dad isn't going to let you down again. I would also ask yourself what his motive is for getting in touch now.
Good luck with whatever decision you make xx
2007-01-17 08:00:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you have to go with your gut instinct here hun - people ARE capable of changing so he may be telling the truth.
With regards your mum - you cant allow her to influence your decision at all- this is solely your choice.
If you decide to meet him and decide you dont like him or whatever - fair enough - dont see him again - nothing ventured - nothing gained!
If you decide against meeting him - is there a possibility you will forever be wondering "what if" - and in the event god forbid he should die or something - will you be able to sleep at night - wondering what could have been different if you had met him?
Think about hun - xx
2007-01-17 21:56:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi, i was in the same situation as you 20yrs ago, but i was 30 at the time, my mum and dad after a drunken violent marriage finally split up , mum coped amazing well and struggled to bring up the 6 of us, we went without lots of things , but we had each other, and no more rows. But 20 yrs ago i had a yearning to meet my dad , and i can safely say im so glad i did, he had given up drinking and we started to build on our relationship, my mum and the rest of the family , were cross with me at first , but even though none of my brotheres and sister forgave him , i did. He devoloped lung cancer and sadly died 3yrs ago xmas day, i was obviously upset, but im so pleased i gave us the chance to get to know each other, my dad did wrong but i would advise you to meet up , to see if he has changed his ways, my mum know i used to visit him , but i never really discussed it with her as she used to get angry and bring the past up every time, , Good luck
2007-01-17 17:56:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
id say give him a chance people can changed i know been through the same thing an worked out well 4 me
2007-01-17 09:18:31 · answer #7 · answered by lizjess2000 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No harm give him a second chance but meet him on mutual ground dont take him to your home until u see if he has changed.
2007-01-17 13:43:51 · answer #8 · answered by wildpalomino 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no one can tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself, alls I can say is meet him at least once coz u probably got questions you wanna ask then you can either walk away or carry on seeing him, if ya dont do that you may regret it and always have 'what ifs' going round your head!
2007-01-17 07:55:09 · answer #9 · answered by Jo. 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He never gave a crap about you when you were a kid, so why should you give a crap about him now, especially since you don't really need him in your life anymore.
2007-01-17 22:00:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋