My daughter has been dating a 39 year man for over a year now. She is 21. I have been paying her car, car insurance, college tuition and cell phone. She comes home maybe 2 times a week. The other days and night are spent with him at his apartment.
I have never met this guy. She tells us that she wants us to meet him, but when we mention it, she never brings him over or makes plans for us to meet. She does yell at us because we on't meet him. I don't understand this.
This guy has a very poor paying job, from what she tells me he is capable of getting a better job but won't. I have found things in her room that indicate that she is giving him money for his bills and food for his place. She even buys furniture for his place!
He frequently travels to see many bands that he likes. He takes off of work(he only works a few days a week) to travel all over the country to see his bands.
I hear her fighting with him on the phone when she is here. He is very jealous of her. HELP!
2007-01-17 06:59:06 · 35 answers · asked by Tyler b 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
MAYBE SINCE SHE IS 21 YRS OLD AND WANTS TO MAKE HER OWN LIFE, LET'S JUST CUT OFF THE FUNDS. YOU SAID SHE IS SPENDING YOUR MONEY [BASICLY ON HIM] SO THIS COULD BE A SOLUTION.
2007-01-17 07:03:59 · answer #1 · answered by baptism_by_fire_2000 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're gonna have to cut her off. If she can pay his bills and has you paying her bills? There's definitely a problem there. Talk to her about it and make a decision as to when you're going to go through with it. I know it's hard, she'll say you're abandoning her, and that she hates you and all that but you have to be strong for her. Soon she will realize that at 21 she has many opportunities to meet someone her own age that will probably accomplish more than her loser 39 year old boyfriend ever will. And you've never met the guy? I'd suggest meeting him before cutting her off ... just to see who you're getting ripped off by. This guy is not only robbing the cradle ... but he's robbing her piggy bank too! Take action MOM!!!! Good Luck!
2007-01-17 07:05:03 · answer #2 · answered by msdrdn 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you're covering all her expenses, then SHE'S not giving him money, YOU are!
I can understand tuition, but why on earth are you paying for a car, insurance, and cell phone of a 21 year old woman? And room and board, since she still lives at home, presumably rent-free! If she can afford to pay his bills, then she can darn well afford to pay her own. Tell her it's time to start.
She's 21 and an adult, so there's not much you can do. But for Pete's sake stop paying for her to do it! She probably thinks it's perfectly normal for him to mooch off her, since you've basically taught her it's OK to mooch and not take responsibility for yourself.
If you really want to meet him, set a date. Tell her you're going to have him over for dinner so you can get to know him. Pick one or two days a couple weeks away so they shouldn't have plans yet, and let her know that you expect her to let you know within the week which day works for them, and you expect them both to show up.
2007-01-17 07:07:57 · answer #3 · answered by EQ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She is an adult so why are YOU paying for her car, car insurance, tuition and cell phone??? But yet SHE is giving him money? STOP paying and let her use her own money to pay for her things, that will be less money she can give him! He sounds like a real loser and it sounds like he is using her. As long as she keeps giving him money and helping him he is going to keep her around. And there must be a reason she won't bring him around to meet you. Give her an ultimatum. If she keeps seeing this guy you are cutting off the money and paying her bills. Naturally he is jealous, he doesn't want to lose his "Sugar Momma"! You need to take charge and put your foot down. Good Luck
2007-01-17 07:07:57 · answer #4 · answered by Lace 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have some big-time trouble on your hands and you know it. I can hear the worry coming through a page!! He might be my son. He sounds just like him. Oh, no, wrong age. That guy is using your daughter sexually, financially, and anything else he thinks of to use her for. Stop worrying about your manhood or your religion, your daughter needs help. You must cut her off from him without forcing her to run away with him. Of course I doubt that would work for him. It might interfere with the girls----------what are those tramps called that wait for the band concerts and have STD's------GROUPIES!! Right, every band has them even if they are playing at some cheap road house to a crowd of 30. Maybe this man likes those young 21 year old leftover ones there too. He sniffs his prey at those concerts. He's a user.
I'm not helping you, am I? Let me think. I refuse to say "there's nothing you can do" even if that's what you're waiting (or wanting) to hear. BE THE GUY!! Put all you know about him, ask her some impromptu questions off-guard, and work on what you AS THE GUY could and would do about your daughter.
Find what he needs most and then use every ounce of intelligence and maybe a trip to Yahoo search and putting in BOYFRIEND TROUBLE or BAD RELATIONSHIPS or anything and gather in formation that appeals to you. Skip the other stuff. You don't have time. Come on!! You know what's happening and you know why she does it. I'm no mind reader and I don't know what either one of them look or act like. I don't know your income or your area of the country. Think!!! And then out-smart them. You can do it. I will go do the only thing I can do right now as soon as I sign off with you. If you let this happen, you can say "I told you so" but I can also say it to you!!! THINK!!!!!!!!!
Good Luck!! Going to go do that now. @8-] God help you. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in God because I do. Are you trying buy your daughter's love? Maybe that's why your daughter is trying to buy his love!!! Are you thinking?
Sober? Straight? Hard? Enough? P.S. When our 25 year old daughter wanted a divorce from a (non-violent) man who did NOT want a divorce, my husband kept a pair of brass knuckles under his car seat for months until she was safely moved away. And then he kept track of her ex. My husband has B**** and I love that in him. Face the truth and ACT ON IT!! Don't listen to a bunch of mandy pandy counselors who think money is her problem!! Good Lord Man!! DO SOMETHING!!!
2007-01-17 07:20:05 · answer #5 · answered by Dovey 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your daughter sounds like a brat. She wants mommy and daddy to support her financially but not say anything about her personal life. It doesn't work that way. If your daughter thinks that your money is her money ITS NOT!!! Sit down and talk to her calmly about the whole situation. Explain to her that you are paying for her not her boyfriend. If she can't get that then maybe she should start paying for her things. I am quite sure that once she has to start paying for everything with her own money, that bf is going to be history.
Don't let her use emotional blackmail - you'll be the one who will have to suffer in the end. I suggest you work out a deal to have your daughter get a part time job to pay for her car, insurance, and cell phone.
Don't push to have her dump him it'll just make her want to be with him more. Focus on how she needs to manage her own finances. When she has to pay for her bf with her hard earned money she is definitely not going to like it.
Treat her like an adult and she'll behave like one, treat her like a child and you've got tantrums.
2007-01-17 07:14:21 · answer #6 · answered by Michael K 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since I was a once selfish little 20-something year old and went through similar things with my mom, I can tell you that all you have to do is be there for your daughter. If you don't like something, then tell her. No matter what happens, just be sure she knows that even if she screws up, she can come home and that you love her. Believe me, I screwed up plenty and acted like I hated my mom too, at that age. But after growing up..I can tell you that my mom ended up being my best friend. Just dont burn the bridge and everything should turn out okay.
2007-01-17 07:06:18 · answer #7 · answered by SM M 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I never thought in a million years I would say this but I would do....nothing. I mean yes that age diff is pretty big and I can see your discomfort and as far as the phone fighting, well all couples argue once in a while, the time to get worried is if you think he is actually physically hitting her.
She is 21, an adult, after meeting this guy you may have some good reasons to try to intervine by offering advice to her but for now in my humble opinion I don't think there is any reason to sabotage them.
2007-01-17 07:06:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Ugh. The worst. In all honesty, I don't think there is anything you can do. But I would at least start by telling her that since she's old enough to be in a relationship with some crusty old prune, then she's old enough to pay all of her own bills - especially since she spends most of her time with him. I would still keep communication lines open with your daughter, though. You don't want her to feel like she can't open up to you - especially if he's a creepy predator. I'd make it a point to find out where this dude lives and show him your shotgun collection.
2007-01-17 07:06:04 · answer #9 · answered by Lilith 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Tell her to drop this guy (she already knows he is trouble) or you will cut her off her financial support (and take the car) if she doesn't...you have to mean it - I'm serious. Had a friend that finally had to do that with his daughter and it was ugly for awhile...finally the daughter woke up and couldn't believe she'd been so stupid over a guy.
2007-01-17 07:10:05 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's 21!! Quit supporting her and start charging her rent and for the food she eats. If she can't handle that then tell her to get out as you are not paying her bills any more. Get a Backbone!!
2007-01-17 07:08:38 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋