I am looking for advice on how to discipline a strong willed defiant two year old.?

Question

I am a mother of two. A son who is 5 and a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I have always been around children and babies my whole life yet my daughters bahavior seems to stumped everyone on productive diciplining method, any advise would be appreciated.

Answer 1

my daughter is now 4 but is strong willed herself and at the age of 2 1/2 ..well lets just say i know where you are ...the "maybe i should just lock her in the closet till she's 10...."spot... (not saying you or i would ever do this...but im sure you know the feeling) I did all the normal methods and it seemed i was on the end of a losing battle. The funny thing is ..that i put her in preschool (they started at 2 years where i was living) and they said at school she was an angel...go figure. Eventually i found a plan that worked for her. First off ...i stopped making everything a choice for her. Thing were what they were and that was it...its soooooo HARD at first. Sometimes it just seemed easier to give in..but really if you give in once...it just starts the fire for her to know that if you gave in that time...that eventually you WILL give in again. It took a LOT of doing though. She was NEVER the sit in the grocery cart patiently kind of kid...sooo we started the hold on to the cart rule..she could walk as long as she held on to the cart. The second she let go..she went in the cart..kicking and screaming and all...we went through a shopping trip where i think we went cart to walking 100 times..now she is happy to walk along with me..you have to show her who is the boss. (this was NOT an easy learning experience..for me or her) Next..don't argue with her..that IS a losing battle. Once they get in that defiant crying stage there is no rationlizing..they don't understand it and won't go for it...if its not there way..its not gonna work. When it reaches that point (and randomly it still does) she goes in room and i shut the door. She will turn into possessed little girl at these times..im serious..kick scream...then usually it goes into the "owies" (anyway to get herself out of the room ..never a real owie) then the..coughing..gagging....then eventually...she gets sick of it all and forgets what she was crying about..when i can tell she is calming down..(anywhere from 2 minutes - 20 minutes) then i go in and talk to her about what is happening and ask for an apology for the behavior. If she doesn't want to comply then i close the door and go out again. When we FIRST started this sometimes it would take 2 - 4 trip in and out of the room ..now she rarely throws the tantrums..and then if she does ..she is only in the room about 4 minutes before she is ready to calm down. I hope this helps. Just remember..a lot of it comes from not being able to express there feelings. Listen to your daughter as well as talk to her, and find ways that she can express her anger in a construtive way. For my daughter it was art...she would color a whole page or 2 with scribbles when she gets angry..or draw "mean faces" it helps her get over it. Also we set up the a chart where she gets a sticker everytime she does something really good or we have a good day...then after 10 stickers she gets a little treat. In the beginning it was easier to get stickers but now since she is getting older and behavior so much improved its harder. Don't remove stickers for bad behavior. I felt i was telling her NO all the time...and yelling..this way you are rewarding good so they can see that good things really are noticed by you as well. Also pick your battles sometimes it really is not worth it..but no the things are firm on..and stay that way.

Good luck to you!! It really will work out..i don't wanna make my daughter sound like a brat..she is super sweet and loving and caring and smart..she is strong willed like you say..and now she can control it too!! more power to you and your daughter..we need strong willed females out there!

Answer 2

My son is almost 3 and is very strong willed. I have been working on positive reinforcement when he is doing appropriate things. I have also instituted a token economy for when I want him to behave (when he follows directions or listens to me he gets 1 poker chip- he has several prizes he can buy Ex. a lollipop is 5 chips and he can only get a lollipop if he buys one). This has helped but there are still times that he misbehaves and needs to be punished. As a behaviorist I do not believe in physical punishment. I started sending him to his room for time out but he didn't care. Then I used a chair in the hallway and it didn't bother him. Now I do a basket hold for his time outs. This is a method of restraining children that I learned when I was an intern at a children's psychiatric hospital. I sit on the chair (or floor) sit him in my lap hold his legs with my legs and his arms with my arms. It doesn't hurt him but he hates it. I've only had to do it twice. If he doesn't listen and starts escalating I ask him "Do you need to sit in the chair with Momma?" he says no and immediately stops his behavior. The good thing about the move is I can do it anywhere and he knows it. Other things I've tried with success for smaller offenses are putting his toy in time-out. For example if he is knocking things off the table with his dinosaur and won't stop I'll say "Dinosaur is having a hard time playing nice I think he needs a break" I'll take the toy and put it in the closet for a few minutes. When I return it I tell my son if dinosaur continues to knock things off the table he'll have to go away again. It usually works. The key is to find things the child cares about.

Answer 3

My daughter just turned two about a month ago, and she went through a pretty long hitting phase, almost year. The funny thing is, this has really been her only problem behavior (besides biting while teething, but not any other time). Whenever I told her no, she would hit me in the face! If I was standing, she would hit me in the legs or spank my butt. She would hit my mother and husband, too, and sometimes kids at her sitter. I ended up just bawling a couple times to my mom because I thought I was failing as a mother. I tried time-outs (long ones when short ones didn't work), butt-swats, telling her "owie, that hurts mommy, no hit", just sternly saying "no", just ignoring her and/or walking away and not looking at her like I didn't even notice it. Keep in mind, I never gave her what she wanted after she hit me, nor did my husband or mother. It seemed like nothing would work. Then, she just stopped. She hasn't hit me lately. It sounds to me like she's a typical two-year-old (depending on what her problem behaviors are).

Answer 4

My daughter is almost 2yrs and has a very sassy attitude and is stubborn as well. Time outs seem to be working so far... just the other day she wasn't listening to me I warned her three times if she didn't stop what she was doing she was going to get a time out. She kept it up... so I took her over to a corner and made her sit down facing the wall for a full minute. Any time she tried to move I put her back and wouldn't let her look at anything but the wall. Every since then... if she's doing something wrong I say "do you want a time out?" she says 'no' and stops what's she's doing. So it's been working so far... hope this helps... good luck

Answer 5

Two year olds are typically finding that they have opinions and want their own way. Be firm, but gentle, don't shout or hit, but in all things be in control. Do what is in the best interest of the child. If what you are doing isn't working, find other ways that do work. I never believed in time out, we did "time in" at our house - sitting on the kitchen counter while Mom makes dinner can be a calming time for a child, who often misbehaves because of frustration and/or low blood sugar. As a mother of 5, grandmother of 4 and a foster mother, I will tell you that children are learning how to behave, what is expected of them, and pushing their boundaries. Be firm, be calm, be in control.

Answer 6

Ever heard of the "terrible twos"? I thought most two year olds were fairly defiant, my daughter is 2 and she is stubborn but i don't worry about it she is only 2, some people automatically assume the child must have ADHD or something and put them on medication which to me is terrible, try time-outs,some two year olds don't understand being told things you have to take away a toy or something they really like to get the point across.

Answer 7

I bought a book called "Raising a Spirited Child" that completely changed the atmosphere in our house. My 29 month old daughter was what I considered stubborn, short fused, loud, pushy, and sometimes down right rotten. I couldn't believe this was my cute little girl. I can't recommend this book enough. It taught me new ways to talk to her, so that she basically thinks she's making her own decisions, feels empowered and is so happy. It also helps you understand that what we rush to think are misbehaving outbursts are sometimes strengths in disguise. My daughter isn't a brat, she's got great spirit. Once channeled the right way she became a different child and, in turn, our whole household and how we all deal with eachother changed.

Really, it's worth the read. It's not about discipline, it's about building on her power. The more you try to discipline it the more she'll fight you and rebel. It's really about fostering her strengths.

Good luck!

Answer 8

My son is 2 1/2. He is fine with his father. Listens to every word. The tone changes. Not just because its a male voice though. So, I have had to let him know that I am serious. By doing so, I just take steps. Explain things to him that he is doing wrong, and why mommy is doing what she is doing. Whether it is taking his favorite toy, time-out, turning off the t.v. when it's his t.v. time, etc. If he keeps going at it all day...he ends up with nothing. I have even went so far as to shut his bedroom door where he cannot get in. Not even to get one toy or book. He basically stays in the same room with me. No t.v. on, nothing. He sits beside me. He calms down. And then, I talk to him and again explain why he is out here, why he is not allowed to play with his toys and stuff.

Answer 9

First of all BREATHE. I found that kids pick up on anger and fear in your voice and will push your buttons to get the response and frustrate you. For time out, 1 minute per year of age. USe a stern, low voice. Also, give privileges that can be taken away in the event of misbehavior. I often reflect on these "incidents" to see how they could have been prevented.

Answer 10

I can totally have empathy...our youngest is our most strong willed child, and we have 6 =) It is very difficult but in the same regards we can honestly say the child is highly intelligent and highly active at the same time. We have found it best to offer choices. Rather than making something work with arguments, we allow our youngest to choose between two options we have pre-picked. Works well, and everyone is happy =)