Pagan Advice: Handfasting Heartbreak?

Question

My fiancé and I are to be handfasted this April, but we’ve decided to become a married couple this month on the 28th through the Justice of the Peace. It’s going to be a very, very simple ceremony, while the handfasting will be the big celebration. You know, park gazebo, the dress, fairy wings, bubble machines, handfasting cords, broom jump, cake … the whole shebang!

The heartbreak is that I don’t think my aunt or her family will be going. A little bit of background: My whole family is Christian, but they’re also open-minded and accepting. My aunt, however, is … to say it nicely, extremely Christian. Anytime she wants to know about the union of my fiancé and I, she only mentions the civil ceremony. If I, or my mother, mentions the handfasting my aunt completely ignores it. She’ll either find an excuse to hang-up the phone, or sit there idly with the occasional “Uh-huh”, “Sure”, “That’s nice”.

Now, I’ve taken into consideration that she might not be comfortable with my religion or what I do. As a matter of fact, I know she’s not. But that’s never stopped her from asking questions about it, or kept her from being an aunt to me. However, she and her husband have recently adopted two girls. One is four and the other is fourteen. Maybe that might have something to do with it? Maybe she thinks I’m going to “brainwash” her kids into what she believes to be Satan-worship.

Anyhow, the other day, I was visiting my aunt and mentioning the handfasting for the first time. I told her it was going to be fairy-themed. The youngest daughter ran up to her now-mother and said “Can we go, please?!” and my aunt responded with “Well, we’ll see what we’re doing that day.” I had to excuse myself and leave the house before I cried. It was heartbreaking to feel so rejected. Should I confront her about this, or should I just let it be?

Answer 1

I really don't know how to advise you in this.

I will say, however, that I think you are being extremely tolerant, patient, and loving. Yours is behavior that should be aspired to, not condemned and while your aunt may never realize this, the rest of your family will.

I will also say that your aunt is being extremely shortsighted and vicious. While she may not want her children to be Pagan, they WILL be exposed to it eventually and, having been denied access to your special day, they may be resentful that your aunt tried to force her views on them.

Since your mother seems to be supportive, maybe she can talk to her sister about this? If nothing else, she can remind her that if Christianity is so strong, a simple Handfasting shouldn't devastate anyone's immortal soul.

Good luck and my dearest sympathies.

Answer 2

If you are that upset that she won't attend, make a point of asking her to have a serious conversation with you (without the kids around) and just ASK her why. You may not like the answer, but it WOULD be an opportunity to dispel any myths she might believe about your religious beliefs. She probably won't change her mind, though.

I would consider, if having her be a part of your "marriage" is important, but she won't budge on the handfasting, inviting her family along to the courthouse to witness it. Then, maybe you can have a little dinner afterwards to celebrate, and she'll be able to celebrate with you in a way that feels comfortable to HER.

And don't worry about her kids. They may not ever see any other way of religion other than what your Aunt sees, or they may be more open-minded. You never know, but it is not your duty to teach them religion. You just show them, by your actions, the best example of being a PERSON that you can, and the rest will tend to itself.

Answer 3

Hooboy. Ok, this is from a Catholic, ex-Wiccan POV. You're never going to change your aunt's mind. She is scared you'll "ruin" the two girls and that's just how she is. Try to compromise. I know a wiccan couple who had the same problem. They had two ceremonies. One was a Justice of the Peace with the religious family, and the next day was teh whole shebang handfasting. Some family showed up, others didn't. They had a priestess friend marry them (handfast them, whatever). If possible, try that.

Or maybe, throw a little family party with a fairy theme without religion for the little girls. Talk to your aunt and let her know that you respect her religion and, as respecting, won't talk about your religion to the girls. There will have to be compromise or you'll lose your family for good over this.

Answer 4

As a used-to-be-Xian, I know she really believes that stuff and was probably mad that you brought it up in front of her younger daughter, making her look like the 'bad guy'. Remember, she thinks she 'knows' that you're being 'tempted' by Satan and he's working through you on her daughter. I used to feel the same way about a friend. I'm assuming she feels emotional about this, too. Could she attend the justice of the peace ceremony? Or, you could try to explain to her that the hand-fasting could be explained as a party to her kids and, in the hand-fasting part, I hear it's similar to a wedding speech-just no mention of God. Reassure her that the words 'Stan, Beelzebub', etc aren't used at all and that it actually could be a teaching experience.
It sounds like she has the problem and, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it.

Answer 5

Okay, first off--don't burst into tears. Guilt won't touch this one.

It's a real shame that your aunt can't accept your religion, though I'm glad she is at least in the minority in your family. However, you can't force her to change. She knows the invitation is open; leave it at that.

It's like my mother continuing to ask me to go back to church; every time she mentions it it just makes me less likely to go because I don't like feeling pressured. I occasionally like to attend a Mass just for the beauty of the ceremony and to bring back good childhood memories, but I do so at my own pace.

Put yourself in her place; think if the roles were reversed, and you had a family memeber trying to get you to go to something where you'd feel very uncomfortable. Reminders would probably just make you turn away even more.

As I said--the invitation is out there. The ball's in her court now.

Answer 6

Go to the link below. I think it's a perfect gift for a handfasting. Due it being a candle obviously, but also the representation of the sky-clad couple, and it's a beautiful piece. I know the site is based in Greece, but they are actually very popular and you should be able to find somewhere local to you that sells them.

Answer 7

Confront her. She may never get past her ignorance as a christian, but tell her how it makes you feel.
She may not attend the ceremony but that will be her loss in the end and hopefully one day she will realize it. Just get everything off of your chest, this way you cannot have any regrets going into the ceremony.

I wish you and your spouse all the best in your joining of souls.

Mote it be.

Answer 8

well, those girls are your aunt's responsibility and she'll do what she sees fit to do. it's sad that she's creating a barrier between you and your new cousins but in the event they aren't allowed to attend your handfasting it would be cool if you mitigated the contrived distancing by giving them trinkets from the celebration ... some fairy wings, flower garlands, bubble making thingies etc.

bummer about your aunt's closed mindedness. forgive her and love her anyway. i mean ... what else can ya do?

PS. congratulations BTW! may your joyous Love and Loving joy
transcend all obstacles and increase in grace and passion.

Answer 9

I think that you should confront her about it. It is your decision to get married that way and that's how you and your mate want it to be. simply just tell her how you feel and explain that it is your special day you would love to have her there but if she cant support you and your future husbands design on how you want to be married then she dose not have to go but she simply dose not have to punish the little girls over her being close minded. I went threw the same thing with my family when me and my husband went threw this. i sat them down and explained everything in detail about what it was what it symbolized and i even gave them reading material about how hand fasting was the first way that people got married and how the Wicca religion was the first religion ever even before Christianity and they soon came to terms with it. don't keep your feelings in because you don't want to hurt hers. it's your special day and that is how it should be. blessed be

Answer 10

You are not your religion, and it seems that she has rejected your religion. Are you willing to accept what appears to be her religious conviction not to participate? If not, are you being reasonable expecting her to accept your conviction to handfast? I just wonder why the JP ceremony is acceptable, since it is a state function, so by definition cannot be her religion either.