Is it easier to lose someone quickly, or from an illness?

Question

My Mother got breast cancer 11 years ago. She took chemo and radiation. She survived. But the treatments did a number on her. It accelerated her dimentia to alzhimers really fast with that. We have not put her in a home. All of her children have taken over her care. Now, just yesterday, we found out she has cancer in her lungs. They are testing today to see what kind, and what her chances are. She has to stay in the hospital to get stonger. She is too weak for any kind of treatments. If we even can or will do any. We all feel so bad. She is going to feel so lost in the hospital. She is lost enough without that. We are all already emotionally drained just having to to make the decision of treating or not. She would not understand why she is so sick. And to get foods down her is NOT going to be easy. And for some reason, she loves her hair. We don't want her to lose it if she dies. Let her keep her hair at least. How do you deal with this kind of thing? She is 72.

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear this. We lost our mother in '01 from cervical cancer and I have often asked myself the same question. You see, our mother was extremely loving and attentive, and an excellent friend to all who knew her. She was also a very independent person, and always stood up for what she believed in.

We were also emotionally drained during her illness (she fought it for 5 years), and in all honesty, we were glad to see her go-because this was no longer our mother-she was in misery, developed diabetes, could no longer eat due to cancer eventually blocking her intestines, and rarely knew what was going on due to the high doses of morphine. We, along with our aunts and several of my mother's friends, also took care of her.

I believe that whether a person goes without warning or goes after a lingering illness that it is all the same. We are never prepared-never. That being said, I hope that my death will be quick and unexpected.

I hate to even have an opinion on this subject, but I don't believe me or my sister would ok more cancer treatment, because we wanted our mother's nightmare to be over with-and so did she. I don't think my mom would have wanted more treatment either. Before her morphine dosages increased and she still knew what was going on, she was ready to go and had accepted it.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Stay strong.

Answer 2

What do her advance directives tell you to do? If she doesn't have any than you need to think this through. With her having dementia so badly I would seriously not do any super heroic treatments unless they can guarantee that it will be sucessfull and give her a better quality of life. You need to discuss this with her doctors once they find out for sure what she has and what treatments are recommended. Given that she already has dementia you are aware that she is already dying a slow death so keep that in mind when making your decisions.

Answer 3

It's better not to focus on losing them at all. The more time you spend contemplating death, the more you put out to the universe the possibility that that will become a reality and everything you fear will inevitably come to pass. Instead, don't give even an inkling of your energy towards her illness. In other words, focus on her life rather than her death. Once you truly start doing this, I guarantee that, no matter what state she's in, she will pick up on it. Then, the sooner her focus shifts, the sooner her body will begin looking for ways to heal itself. Fear and loathing only perpetuates illness.