Joint Custody - Pros and Cons?

Question

PLEASE! Need some info from those in this situation. My son's father wants joint custody (He has NEVER seen him on a regular basis - HIS CHOICE, and now, 6 1/2 years later?) I realize I'm selfish to want to keep my son with me, but I think he's selfish as well. My son likes security - he likes his routine - getting up an hour earlier for school, getting home an hour later, sleeping in different beds, all that good stuff - how is that good for a child? We had a parenting schedule (which he followed for about two months) 2 years ago (we never married), and he is consistently late paying child support and still owes arrears. If it's about the money, he can KEEP it, but he says my son doesn't know much about his "other" family. I'm pretty sure he'll throw in the cultural thing, too. I do what I can and my son and I talk about differences a lot.

Seriously, if you have good things to say about it, let me know, but I definitely want to hear about any issues. THANK YOU!

THANKS so far for the info. I do have an attorney. The funny thing is I started the child support case just to get him responsible for SOMETHING that was on a schedule, because he was rarely seeing his son. I have NEVER kept our son from him. He took him to the doctor for the first time over Christmas, when I had agreed to let him have him for the holiday. He was diagnosed with strep, and his father brought him back to me rather than take him to IL so he wouldn't infect anyone else. You're right, I haven't been writing everything down, and I should. He is married, but he still gets to do what he wants when he wants for the most part. He was supposed to take my son to visit his parents one weekend - his wife took him and he didn't even go, but not a word to me - this was Mother's Day weekend. He just makes me furious. I don't know where the man went that I once knew.

P.S. I don't bad mouth his father, just so you know. He is late all the time and rarely follows through. I just don't get it.

Answer 1

I have joint custody with my ex for are daughter, but he has always been a responsible parent for the most part. He has always seen her very regularly, and even when he lived 2 hours away he would come and get her every friday and keep her till sunday. She was in school and he could not get her through the week then. He moved back to town after about six months away, because he wanted to be able to have her for his whole week. I have had problems with him bring her home if she get sick, because a mother knows how to handle these things mind you his wife has 3 children of her own. She should know how to handle them as well. They brought her home at 2 am one time so I could take her to the hospital( she was extremely ill), because they did not know where the children's hospital was in our area. It is 5 minutes from where we both live, and he grew up here. How do you have 4 kids between you the oldest 8 at the time, and not know where the only children's hospital in the area is. The other hospitals in the area will not even see kids. I also have had trouble getting him to pay for his half of her needs, but that has changed. I don't want you to think my daughters father is a bad guy. He is a good father, but he has his issues, and who doesn't. I am sure he could tell a couple not so shining stories on me too. If they are a good parent who loves their kids and tries to take care of them to the best of their abilities, I think joint custody is awesome. Though you do need to communicate with your ex for this situation to work out. So that the child has a similiar routine at both homes, and the same things are expected of them and the punishment is the same for bad behavior at both homes. If the father is not good with visitation and child support they have now. There is no way I would agree to joint custody. I would tell the father after they show that they can be responsible enough to carry out the previous orders of the court then I would consider it. I would not put my child through that. A father who is in and out of a child's life can be very damaging to their self esteem any ways, by promising things and not carrying through with them. The child wonders what they did to make dad not want to get them or whatever the broken promise was. The child somehow thinks they did something and that is why dad didn't keep their word. When they are older they start to question why other things seem to be more important to their dad than them. It can be very harmful to the child, and by allowing this type of father joint custody you would just open your child up to have their father dissapoint them more often, and make his life very unsettled. I do not think I would be worried about the money, but if he will not pay a court ordered support. Then I doudt he will help you to buy half of all the things a child needs. You can keep track of what they help you purchase or buy themselves, but it is not as easy to track as child support. So yes I think joint custody can be a beautiful thing between 2 responsible parents who are able to communicate with each other for the sake of their child. In your case I would not consider it till the father becomes much more responsible, or I think your child will become very hurt and have a very unstable life. You must have a strick schedule that is followed so as not to interrupte the childs life with joint custody. I have my daughter from one friday after school to the net friday when I send her to school. She then goes to her dad's after school on friday. When the school is closed on a friday she stays with the parent she is with till when school would let out then the other parent picks her up. We have the same bedtimes at both houses and the same meal times and bath times. We have exactly the same schedules at both house. Which we had to discuss at length so that everyone would be happy and able to manage our schedules. It is not easy, but we felt it best for our daughter. Unless you think your ex is responsible enough to handle this, and he clearly does not sound this responsible. Then I would say no for the reasons I already explained. Good Luck and you sound like a wonderful mother who is willing to put your child first.

Answer 2

If you have issues with this man who is your Sons Father and you don't like the situation he wants to put you in, than I suggest you get an Attorney. Discuss with him all the issues you have a problem with, like the back child support, the not really following a schedule or the problems that could occur if things were changed. How does your Son feel about visiting with his Father more? You really need to let your Son speak about this matter without putting in your fears. At some point and time you will have to let go a little bit. Maybe you can have him during the school year and he can have him in the summer an or every other Christmas and Thanksgiving. Your Son does have a right to know about his other side of the family. If you hold this back from your Son....he will only later on rebel against you. Talk to an Attorney and figure out a plan that will work for everyone. Good luck.

Answer 3

Geez, I know what you are going threw, the kid sitting waiting for Dad and he does not show up. Or you make plans and all of a sudden, they have to be changed.

I am sure you have not been keeping a record of his visitations, but it is time to start. If you can remember any major events he missed entirely - holidays, birthday, Christmas - where he said he would be there or just blew off entirely, these should be noted.

If he shows a pattern of not being there when he should, then a judge will not be that willing to give him joint custody.

What is his life style - alcohol, drugs, partying wild women - these are all against him if you can adequately demonstrate that this is his life style.

You do not say how well you son knows him or what interaction he currently haves. You may want to suggest easing into this gradually - a few months of get to know you trips to McDonalds, then some afternoon things. This gives you time to build up your documentation and it appears that you are working with him so he may not be as likely to rush into the court thing.

Suggest he pick your son up for dinner at 6 PM, twice a week for a month, stipulate you want him back at 8 PM for a month, see how he does. If you can have a sitter or friend there for these transactions, you have a witness as to what happened each time.

If this goes well for a month, suggest a Saturday or Sunday 10 AM to 6 PM for a month or two.

If this goes well then suggest and overnight. Make sure, you document when he is late or does not show up. Also how your son acts on his return.

My son would come back from his fathers crying and ornery, then I found out that my ex- was telling him to hide things from me and he could not deal with the stress of it all.

Good Luck.

Also, note is your son is sick or has a doctor appointment what he does, my ex- would not take him if he was sick, would return him if he got sick on a visit and refused to take him to the doctor. Since those were the privileges I got for getting child support.


Good Luck and write it all down

Answer 4

I agree that if he cannot meet his visitation and financial responsibilities he is not well suited to take care of the physical side of visitation. What would happen in the case of an emergency? This can be expensive.

On the other hand, once the child gets older, the more flexible with routines they should get. Even if visitation is enforced legally, the best that you can do is to calmly maintain the routines that you have established in your home.

I would suggest that you never lie to your child regarding the father, regardless of your personal feelings. Eventually the truth will come out. Find a neutral way to state issues to avoid making the child feel responsible for things they cannot control.

To me, what is the bottom line best for the child? Are the physical needs met (roof over head, food on the table, clothes, medical coverage)?

Good luck.

Answer 5

Check with a lawyer in your area, since I don't know the law in your area I can only comment from a legal stand point that I know.
Do you currently have a legal arrangement for custody? Who has full custody? Tell him you will consider it, when he no longer is in arrears.
Since your ex isn't consistent, make him sign an agreement, which CLEARLY sets out custody arrangements, money, holidays, etc.. Put everything in writing, I mean everything! Think about how you want to handle Christmas, Thanksgiving, summer holidays, etc..
Think out what arrangement suits YOU best. One week on, one week off, or two weeks on, etc..
Let him know that if he wants joint custody that when the child is in his care that he is required to provide for the child on his own. He must have a room for him, provide food, clothes, etc..
Also, put in a clause that says if he breaks the custody arrangement, then this agreement becomes null and void. You may find that with someone like your ex, that the novelty wears off (I am not trying to rude) and that he starts calling and saying that he can't take the child that week. Let him know that if he signs the agreement, it is a legal binding document that he must follow and if he doesn't, then it is a breech of that agreement and then the agreement becomes null & void.

Answer 6

Pros's the child gets to spend equal time with both parents. Con's the constantly changing schedule and rules. He might be trying to get out of paying child support. I know in Vermont joint custody will only happen if both parents agree. Since your son is still kind of young I would go for full physical and legal custody. It would be easier to change that to joint later then get full custody after having joint.

Answer 7

He should prove his commitment to your son by paying his child support on time and by following a limited visitation schedule prepared by you in the best interest of your child for whatever time period will make you feel comfortable. This man should understand that it's not all your son about knowing his other family -- although I would have thought he would be more concerned with your son knowing him -- it's really all about what is best for your son.

You really ought to think about giving this the best shot you can for your child. He'll be older before you know it and he'll need to know that you did your very best to help him build a relationship with his father.

Answer 8

I think that if he wants joint custody he should meet his child support obligations and his visitation schedule EVERY time for a year first to prove he is ready for the responsibility of the child.

Answer 9

my nephew shane lives with his mother and visits my brother every other weekend and every weds. shane seems to love it. he is always saying he is lucky he has two rooms and two of everything. Its good for a boy to be around a man. it teaches them good things about life. Good luck.