Please tell me how to get my 1 yr old to go to sleep by himself?

Question

Ok, I am a COWARD!!!! I have nursed and co-slept with my wonderful son for a YEAR now! However, he is a very restless sleeper now and it is time to move him to his crib--at night as well as for naps--so I can get some sleep. I have weaned him almost all the way--he just nurses a little in the morning and at night, but I don't need to nurse him to get him to sleep. In fact, it seems like I don't have to do much but be close by to get him to sleep. Still, since I have started this determined effort to get him to self-soothe and go to sleep on his own, it has been a never-ending storm of heartbreaking sobbing that I just can't take--and since his father and my older teenager must get up really early, I had to be considerate and stop the madness after 4-5 straight crying hours.

I have read all the current books about it and have tried the 3-days cry-to-sleep method with NO success twice already. It is painful.
There has got to be another method. I will try anything. Please help

Yes, I also think 4-5 hrs is a long time--but the books AND my pediatrician said to. I go in about every 5 to 10 minutes max and sing, pat, or otherwise soothe him--but I don't pick him up until I'm ready to throw in the towel for the night. I don't want anyone to think I'm a monster or anything. He just won't lay down again once he's up, and if I put him to sleep rocking him lately and try to lie him down, he wakes up crying and sobbing---like he's anticipating me putting him down in his sleep. It's unnerving. This is my first baby, too--I have older stepsons, only.

Thanks everyone for the great advice and references. It is so nice to get honest help and not be judged for your parenting choices. God Bless!

I definitly have a very regimented bedtime routine for him too--we rarely deviate from it and I've been doing the same things in the same order at bedtime since he was 2-3 months old--though I read more to him now, of course 'cause he likes it so much.

Answer 1

You sound like you've tried all the recommended methods already. But every child is different. My daughter was a tough cookie too! Luckily its just her and I so I didn't have to worry about disturbing anyone.

Basically, I did all the recommeded things too. Bedtime routine, telling her when its almost bedtime, putting her to bed and then going in after 3 minutes, standing by her crib and saying "this is your room. this is your bed. you are safe here. good night." then wait 5 minutes and repeat. 7 minutes and repeat each time getting further and further away from her crib. It was tiring but eventually (after a couple of weeks) she finally got the picture.

She's now 2 1/2 years old and we rarely have trouble at bedtime. I think it just takes time and patience.

Answer 2

Start by letting him fall asleep with you, then move him to his crib. When he wakes up, only go to him if he cries uncontrollably and won't stop. All babies have the abilty to get themselves back to sleep, you just have to give them the opportunity. When he and you become comfortable with that, then try sitting with him in his bedroom while you rock and read a story together. This will help you establish a bedtime routine. Also it might help to do this after a nice soothing bedtime bath, like the bedtime bath products you can get from Johnsons and Johnsons. When he is calm and serene, lay him in his crib and dim the lights. Stay with him for 5-10 min. Sing him a song or stroke his cheek, do something comforting. Make sure he feels comfortable. If you keep it up and don't give up. It might be difficult at first, but if you stick to a routine, he will get used to it eventually. Thats the key, is routine. If you've been nursing, then you know all about routine!

Answer 3

Why not use the gradual withdraw method. Place him in his bed and sit as far from the bed as he is comfortable with even if you need to be right next to the bed. You have to sit on the floor. each night you gradually get closer to the door until you are sitting outside the door. Make sure before bed you are reading a story and tucking in. So he feels secure. Sometimes getting a new blanket and or stuffed animal that the child has picked out is a good way to start the plan off! Please let me know if it works for you:)
Good Luck & Blessings
Megan

Answer 4

The co-sleeping is what he knows as normal. Trying to change that will take time. A 3 day cry to sleep is not going to work, it take LONGER than that.

As for your husband and other child having their sleep disrupted, this worked for us: buy a couple of cheap white noise machines and small fans. Run the fans and the white noise machines in their bedrooms and they're less likely to hear Mr. Yelling Baby.

You can read about the Ferber method, which works when done properly. Babycenter.com has a great deal of it online so you can start reading right now:

http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/7755.html

Good luck to you, it's going to work out. You will get him to sleep on his own, everyone will sleep at the same time, it'll happen. In the meantime have another cup of coffee and read the babycenter articles.

Answer 5

he's definitely developed some strong habits here, so it will be tough to break them...

i'd suggest setting up a bed in his room, not a crib, since he's already used to beds. make sure it has a guard rail so he won't fall out. start off in his room with him in his bed and fall asleep with him. then each night, you can start getting up after he's down. eventually, you can sit in a chair by his bed until he falls asleep. then, you can move the chair by the door until he falls asleep. eventually moving further and further away, each time until you are out the door. this lets him know you are always near if he needs you, but you don't have to be right next to him.

this is tough! but good luck! persistence will pay off.

Answer 6

My main advice would be to do it slowly! Start off moving him to a cot by your bed so he's nearby and gets that comfort and then slowly move it further away until you can move him into his own room. You might want to start off with one of those cots that has a side you can get all the way down so that he's practically in bed with you and move him over in the night...

Answer 7

If he's wide awake, and alert, it would simply be nightmares. If he's up and his eyes are open however he's unresponsive, that's a night time terror that are extraordinary, in case you wake him up, it'll disorient him and scare him. Either means, you would desire to speak to his pediatrician to peer what matters you perhaps in a position to do to subside those midnight episodes. Good Luck

Answer 8

gradually working through it is easier but slower than cold turkey. 4-5hours is a long time to let him cry. have you tried putting him in the crib and holding his hand and stroking his face and singing and talking calmly even if he cries...

Answer 9

You say all you need ot do is be near him. So BE NEAR HIM!

Seriously. Self-soothing doesn't start until around 24 months in over half of babies. It isn't something you can force a baby to learn.

Goodlin-Jones BL, et al. Night waking, sleep-wake organization, and self-soothing in the first year of life.
J Dev Behav Pediatr 2001 Aug;22(4):226-33


Abstract: Few objective data are available regarding infants' night waking behaviors and the development of self-soothing during the first year of life. This cross-sectional study examined 80 infants in one of four age groups (3, 6, 9, or 12 mo) for four nights by using videosomnography to code nighttime awakenings and parent-child interactions. A large degree of variability was observed in parents' putting the infant to bed awake or asleep and in responding to vocalizations after nighttime awakenings. Most infants woke during the night at all ages observed. Younger infants tended to require parental intervention at night to return to sleep, whereas older infants exhibited a greater proportion of self-soothing after nighttime awakenings. However, even in the 12-month-old group, 50% of infants typically required parental intervention to get back to sleep after waking. Results emphasize the individual and contextual factors that effect the development of self-soothing behavior during the first year of life.


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Armstrong KL, Quinn RA & Dadds MR. The sleep patterns of normal children.
Medical Journal of Australia 1994 Aug 1;161(3):202-6.

The above study is the definitive work on sleeping habits of (Australian) children to 38 months. The researchers surveyed 3269 parents, with a 96.5% response rate, over a one week period. The parents had to report on their child's sleeping habits over the past 24 hours, plus answer a few questions related to their perceptions of their child's sleep behavior.

What did they find?

There is a wide range of normal childhood sleep behavior.
Circadian rhythm is not well established until four months of age.
Daytime sleep becomes less regular with increasing age, the most marked reduction in length occurs around 3 months of age. However, a surprising 11% under 3 months of age don't have a daytime sleep every day.
Frequent night waking that disturbs parents is common from 4-12 months (12.7% disturb their parents 3 or more times every night).
Night time settling requires more parental input from 18 months.
Nearly a third of parents have a significant problem with their child's sleep behavior.
Sleeping through the night: 71.4% did this on at least one occasion by 3 months of age, but many of these relapse into more frequent waking in the 4 to 12 month period. It is not until after 24 months that regular night waking (requiring attention) becomes much less common.


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Scher A. A longitudinal study of night waking in the first year.
Child Care Health Dev 1991 Sep-Oct;17(5):295-302.

Abstract: A longitudinal study of the development of sleep patterns addressed the issue of continuity and change in night waking in the course of the first year. Mothers of 118 infants, who took part in a follow-up study of normal babies, completed a sleep questionnaire at 3, 6, 9 and 12 months. Regular night waking was a common characteristic throughout the first year:

Baby's age % babies waking at night
3 months 46%
6 months 39%
9 months 58%
12 months 55%

The number of awakenings per night was a function of age. Following a decline in the number of interruptions from 3 to 6 months, an increase in night waking at age 9 months was recorded. Although the methodology does not lend itself to an objective validation of the changes in sleep-wake states, nor is it suitable for causal explanations, it is, nevertheless, important to note this profile. The increase in night waking towards the end of the first year coincides with significant socio-emotional advances which characterize this developmental stage.


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http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleepstudies.html

Answer 10

Keep on letting him cry. EVERY TIME YOU GO IN THERE HE WINS. You will not get past this till you leave the room and DON'T GO BACK TILL MORNING.