Step daughter?

Question

Boy do I have a problem with my stepchild. She lives with her mother and my husband sees her every other weekend {drives 7 hours one way to spend one day with her} we get her for summers, spring/easter,thanksgiving,and xmas. The problem stems with the fact she ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME! She whines about everything, will be 7 in May and will not do things most 7 yr olds do.She can not open the toothpaste cap, can not open a soda bottle, can not wash her hair, run her own bath water, brush her own hair, when she brushes her teeth the toothpaste is spit out the way it went in, she will piss her pants instead of going to the bathroom then hide them from me, she will not wipe her rear end so will have poop stained undies she'll hide in her room leaving me to attempt to locate the smell.When she eats I'd say 30% of what was on her plate ends up on the floor. Her father can not leave her site or she's running after him and this includes attempting to follow him to the bathroom. We have a

8 month old who my stepdaughter seems to feel like she can do whatever she wants to with him.When he was less then a month old she picked him up and out of the playpen and was walking through the house with him! She tells me when he needs to go in his walker, jumper and so forth and it pisses me of. Yes there are times I get onto her because I can not tollerate any child questioning an adult when they are told to do something or told they can not do something.During xmas my father was going to take my husband, brother in law and two nephews ages 15 and 16 ice fishing. She started to cry saying she wanted to go and I told her she could not go because she'd get out there complain it was cold or she wanted to go home and they didnt want to hear it.She then told me she had "a choice" if she went or not. In a few months she will be with us again and I honestly dont know how much more I can deal w without leaving. I love my husband but he does NOT see she does anything wrong and makes

excuses for her like she is 3yrs old! Anytime I say something to her she blows me off and he's told her she needs to listen to me.If I tell her she has to do something or she cant go outside, she'll sit around until he comes home and try to sneak outside with him.When I am sitting near my husband she'll come sit on his lap, she will walk around in her underpants, will attempt to sleep in her underpants without other clothing on even though she has breasts buds.Her eating habits disgust me she is 80 pounds when she was 6yrs old! Ive tried to teach her to make better food choices however during the day all she thinks about is snacks and I wont give them to her telling her if she ate lunch she wouldnt be hungry an hour later.I care about my step daughter but I do NOT like her and I know that is wrong.when our son is around and she is too its like he doesnt exsist or he is a second class citizen to his father {though his dad denies this} she's always been like this even prior to our baby.

Please help me I dont want my marriage to end nor do I want my son growing up learning her bad ways or feeling as if he's not as important as his half sister.

Furthermore after reading some of the posts I have told her I would never try to take the place of her mother and she was NOT like this when her father and I were dating. It has only been since we married and its gotten worse since we had the baby. I am never mean to her I treat her the same way I treat my 13yr old and the nephews I raised. I dont expect them to question me, talk back to me or expect me to explain myself to them.I know she has issues and Ive told him she needs to be psychologically evaluated because I dont think she's developing mentally like a "normal" 7 yr old is but he doesnt see it

Oh and just so y'all know I do spend alone time with just her. I take her to do "girl" things like we go and get our hair done, or go shopping or do crafts. While my husband watchs the other 2. But even when we have company people will comment to me in private about her actions. I do try to be understanding and most of it I just roll off my back but anytime I try to talk to my husband about her he gets defensive and says he'd pick his daughter over his son any day.

dthsmx5 I will NOT allow my house to be trashed, the two other children to be pushed aside, or for shitty pants to be left laying around. I have told her "honey if you have an accident let me know so we can take care of it" but she hides it. I dont know what goes on in her home or if this is normal behaivor in her house but its not accpetable in my house, I wouldnt let my 13yr old hide shitty pants why would I let a 7 yr old?!

And when she comes to stay with us we sit down at the table and tell her the rules and what will happen if she doesnt follow the rules. Then she tells us "now I get to make some rules too". I am 35yrs old I grew up in a home with rules my parents made I didnt make rules and dont feel a child should be able to

And one final thing. I do try to teach her and show her how to do things and when she tells me "I cant" i tell her "try first" but he'll run to her aid

I would like for you all to know I have never lost my temper with her, yelled at her or even raised my voice to her. I have twice in 18 months sent her to her room once for talking back and the other because she was whining about something that happened at her moms house 2 months earlier. As for the person saying a near 7 yr old should have to run her own bath water, I was and I was cleaning myself at 7 as well as making my bed and I turned out fine. The reason she is not in my "about me" blurb is because I didnt spend much time typing it however she has several pictures and is mentioned often on my web page and nothing negative is said of her. I do not know what her life is like at her moms which is one of the excuses her father gives for her acting out here "you dont know what her mom is like" he and her mother were in an off and on relationship for many years she never lived in the same home wtih them both either with dad or with mom. But like I said in my home our kids have rules

and regardless of how much time she spends here she will not be treated any different. I expect from her what I expected from my nephews that I raised, the godchild I raised and my own daughter. The person who wants to know why her dad lives so far away is because he owns his own sucessful business here her mom decided to move to be closer to her family which is 7 hrs away but he still goes every other weekend {per court ordered visitation} to visit her and never misses a school concert or play that she is in. I have suggested we get counseling or her evaluated to see whats going on in her life but he seriously does not see what she is doing.And YES it is very hard to bond with her when she is here I feel uncomfortable in my own home because of her acts and running to daddy over everything and this includes xmas when I told him to stop putting her socks on for her she could do it herself.

If you wish to think that I am mean to her that is your choice but if I was so mean then why when we were fighting for custody of her for 18 months and 30 thousand dollards did she tell the judge she wishes I was her mom? As for the "anger" you claim that I have towards her its called frustration and yes I vented it all here in hopes someone else on Y!answers has been through what I am going through and could understand. But I guess some people want to assume its okay for a 7 even 8 yr old to act like a baby.

Answer 1

Wow!! I, too, have 2 step-daughters. When my husband and I got together they were 9 & 11. It was not easy let me tell you!! They didn't do the pooping and peeing thing, but they were older than your step-daughter. I totally understand your frustration. They had my husband jumping through hoops for them. Anytime they would call he would drop what he was doing and go to their house and see what was up, everytime his ex had an issue with them she would call him and he would drop everything and run to their house to deal with them. When we had our son, things went from bad to worse--very jealous of him, felt that daddy was replacing them with a new baby and a boy at that. Try to involve your step-daughter in as much as you can with the new baby. Have her "help" you when it is time to give the baby a bath or change his diaper. Don't have her change it, but have her get you the wipes, etc. Make her more involved with the baby. Believe it or not, my son who is 6 now, carries around his 1 yr old nephew and is very careful doing so. Concerning the pooping and peeing, I'm sorry but did this happen before or after the baby? If it was after, she may be going backwards to get attention from you. If she said that she wishes you were her mom, she probably does. Remember, negative attention is better than no attention. I'm not saying you don't give her attention, but maybe her mom isn't and she knows that if she does these bad things at your house you will give her the attention she doesn't get at home. I know it is difficult dealing with a step-child; believe me I know. To this day, I still have issues with mine. One is married, the other lives with us--there are still days that she expects dad to jump through hoops for her (and she's 18) You do seriously have to sit down with your husband and explain this situation to him. Show him this question on YA and then discuss it with him and THEN let him see the answers you got. Don't threaten to leave, that won't get you anywhere but putting him on the defensive. I did a lot of tooth gritting and smiling when the girls were younger, but I love their dad and wouldn't let them decide whether or not I was leaving him. I applaud your husband for making the long trip to see his daughter; not all of them are like that. I don't believe that you hate this child, just that you are very, very frustrated. I wish you all the luck in the world, hang in there, things will get better!!

Answer 2

I really think you should sit down with your husband and tell him all of the things you just wrote here. He needs to be on your side in this. He is your husband and he needs to suport you 100%. If he "doesn't see" the way she is acting and always running to her rescue everytime you try to disipline her all that he is doing is letting her know she can continue this behavior. If he feels that she is "above" the other children in the house and can do no wrong, make HIM do everything for her for a while. Make him clean up the crappy underpants, wipe her butt, clean the food off the floor and all of the other things he is taking for granted that you do. He will see really fast what her behavior is really like. Look at it from his point of view. He isn't doing all that cleaning up after her so he doesn't really know how bad it is. Let him live in your shoes and take care of his daughter for a while. If that doesn't get to him, tell him you want to go to couples counseling and that is the only option or you leave. Some men won't accept reality untell it is told to them by someone else. You will be able to tell him what is going on and the councoler will be there to listen too. So he won't be able to just jump in and defend his daughter. He will actually have to THINK about it and provide a good reason why she is able to act that way and get away with it. He will soon see that it isn't ok for her to leave poopy underware hidden all over the house or throw food or talk back. He will have to face up to what is really going on.

Answer 3

This is a very hard and big decision. In a sense I agree with what some have said about letting her go live with her Mother and she will get a taste of what that life is really like. It may be she has this fantasy built up in her head about what it would be like and will discover it's far from reality. On the other hand, I can also to relate to what others have said about it being a supervision issue. So...I would ask around and get a referral to a highly recommended therapist. Take your step daughter to counseling as well as yourself and husband. Get some ideas to what is going on in her head and why it is she hates it at your house. Find out from the therapist if you are being to strict on her. Get a recommendation from the therapist on what her opinion the best place for the child will be.

Answer 4

Wow, seems like you are totally frustrated and out of your wits so to speak! I do understand. I am a mother, stepmother and a foster parent.

First you need to idenify the behavior that you want to be extint. Start small...pick only one. This is a start. Approach this behavior with all the inensity that you would if she was starting a fire. Be consistant! You do not have to beat a child or yell at them to get them to do what you want.

We have a special needs 11 year old foster son who threw tantrums and was destructive, mean and just plain horriable to be around. We took him to a behaviorlist where we received great advice in that we do not yell, we lower our voice when disclipining him and that makes him listen and we are consistant in our consiquences. Your husband will need to be on the same page with you.

I know this is frustrating, and you may be trying too hard. Raise your child the way you are, he will not pick up the bad habits in fact he will probably shake his head at them if you are consistant!

Good luck to you...you have a lot on your plate

Answer 5

Okay she is indeed 6, a six year old should not be fixxing their own bath, her going to the bathroom in her pants, is usually a sign of being abused, I think she may feel out of place at your house, and is proably very jealous of the relationship you have with her father and your kids, and she is just competing for your attention. I am not saying what she is doing is right, its not, but trying to understand her situation. How are things at her house? How is she doing at school? Is there a way you can find out, maybe you guys can maybe do family thereaphy for her. I feel bad for the both of you but try not to let the little things get in the way, her not brushing her hair right, needing help with the toothpaste, it really sounds like she is looking for attention. I would definately see how she is at home not with you guys and find out about school.

Answer 6

I had a stepson like that, he acted EXACTLY the same way!
Yikes!
We showed him how to do all those things, and wouldnt "help him" once we knew he had the hang of it...trying to get your attention, really, that's all it boils down to~! I used to send his poopy underwear home to his mommy in a ziplock bag--she said "he only does that at your house" (same with wetting himself)--so I said "well enjoy, I'm not washing them here". For some reason, the poop and pee ended REALLY quick after that!

It's hard, you gotta act loving towards her, even if you cant stand the sight of her--been there, done that, he's 20 now and on his own, still wont take a shower or brush his teeth unless someone says something, but hey, that's his girlfriends problem now.

Answer 7

This may take far more patience then you would like to give. She wants attention from her father and from you. He needs to be her friend of course, but it sounds like there is not enough dicipline going on. You are unfortunatley stuck between that rock and the hard place. Maybe you can try to get on her good side. She may look up to you. You need to forget that she is your husband's, ex's, child. And maybe she feels like she needs to compete with her daddy's new wife and child. Have some sympathy because it may be very hard for her and at that age she doesn't know how to express herself. But she needs dicipline now or you will have a problem on your hands. She may need and want your approval and love. She is only seven. Good luck!

Answer 8

Most, but not all, of the things you described are normal 7 year old things. You must really hate her mother, I bet you do even though you'd never admit it to anyone here. Sounds like you don't like the girl either. My son is 8 and I run his water, you see, I prefer that he NOT get burned. I wash his hair too, I don't want a bunch of soap left there. He washes himself though. From all the things you kept adding on it really sounds like you don't like this little girl. Frankly, you don't have to. You claim that you are civil to her but from reading all the things you wrote about her I doubt it. I'm sorry to be so "mean" but I seriously doubt you care for this child at all.

As for the potty issues I'd bet you anything if you started being nicer to her she wouldn't do that. Kids act out in that way, one day they seem "normal" and use the toilet and wipe properly. Then if they start to feel unloved they will not do it any more. Think of it as her way of punishing you.

Of course things changed after the baby! She's worried that she's not so important to her dad. I'm not saying she's being treated differently but that is a common fear of children.

I think you may benefit from a parents group because you have a lot of issues with this child and you seem very angry. I went to one and it really changed my life. There is no shame in trying to improve yourself.

Good luck to you all, you need it!

Answer 9

sounds like my fiancee's 4 year-old. gets no discipline at home so thinks he can run wild at our house.

first, sit down with your husband and discuss how you are going to deal with bad behavior. you must both agree on what to do (ie 3 verbal warnings, then a time out). then if one punishes, the other one must back up the punishing parent. (in the beginning our son would run to daddy every time he got into trouble and daddy would say oh its ok....not anymore ;) )

then make teaching her things, like running the bath into a game. when she does it on her own reward her in some way. this can be giving her special attention like getting to do something fun with you or getting to stay up 15 minutes later, something like that.

most of it she is doing for attention, so when she does stuff like that just ignore her, when she doesn't get the response that she wants, she will quit doing it.

but remember, it won't work unless you and your husband are both on the same page, doing things in the same way.

good luck!!!

Answer 10

I think you'd get more useful answers if you broke your question down a little. You've got a serious issue with your step-daughter, but you can't possibly expect the YA community to deal with all of it at once.

I notice that you don't even mention her in your 'who am I' blurb, so I'd suggest that maybe you need to think seriously about how you feel about her. Do you regard her as part of your family or as part of your husband's past? I'd also suggest that you ask your husband to clear up her messes and care for her until she feels more comfortable with you.

Don't bother trying to be friends with her or mothering her until she's settled down.