I'm a widower(age 32) with a 3-year-old daughter(N).My colleague (J. - woman,age 29) isn't married and lives with that girl - L.(age 16,her parents have lived in another country for the last year and are going to spend a year more but they weren't able to take her) who often comes to work and sometimes helps.L. knows N since N was born and N looks at L as she is something like her mother(L often babisits N,disciplines her,feeds her,buys her clothes when needed,etc.).Recently N has started to ask questions about her mother.I can't tell her the truth now(her mother was murdered) and don't know how to explain that.N's mom was a very close friend to L(just as J is a friend to L) and when N asks L about her mom,L answers but after that gets upset,sometimes cries(L has been there when my wife was murdered).N and L are very close too and I can't make N not to ask L about her mom.One sentence - What should I and L do???Pls help(L doesn't know I've asked that question)
2007-01-17 02:48:01 · 13 answers · asked by michael 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
When your daughter asks you a question be very careful to answer ONLY the question she has asked - you will be surprised at how little information she wants. As she gets older she will ask more because she can handle more information.
2007-01-17 02:56:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask at the public library if there is any material that deals with those situations that is meant for a younger reader. I know I saw a book on t.v. about a daddy that was incarcerated and the book was written to help moms explain to their children why daddy isn't around. There may be a book that deals with your circumstance. Good luck. Sorry I don't know what you would say, I've never been in that situation before. But I think at 3, you dont need to tell your daughter a whole lot about the situation, shes too young to comprehend anyway. You can tell her that she does have a mommy and that her mommy loves her very much but cant be with her but she can see her and that when your daughter needs someone to talk to, mommy is listening, even though she cant be seen, she is always around. As for this other young lady in your daughters life, she may be the best possible role model for your daughter, if the two have a close relationship, let that blossom, your baby will need a woman she trusts to talk to later on in life.
Im very sorry for your loss. I couldnt imagine losing the father of my daughter and being a single parent. I wish you the best.
2007-01-17 10:56:53 · answer #2 · answered by Candy C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a widow since my children were 2 and 5 yrs old, I can understand your confusion about how to handle this. Your young daughter needs to understand about death and be able to talk about her mom and even cry and be sad about her mom. And it is ok for her to see you and other friends sad sometimes too. I agree, however, that she is too young to be told about the murder of her mother. This is just too upsetting and she will not understand. But get ready because in the next year or two you will have to start being honest about this. Keep it simple but true and appropriate to her age.
Your daughter needs to know that feeling sad and angry about losing her mom is ok. But that she still has you and friends and is loved and protected. Your daughter will be dealing with this terrible loss for the rest of her life, and at every stage the loss will feel different. Please, even though you are hurting terribly, let your girl know that she can talk to you about her mom. Good Luck and take care.
2007-01-17 11:03:31 · answer #3 · answered by bugged to death 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think children are really capable of understanding death completely, regardless of how it happens. NEVER tell her that her mommy is just "sleeping", since that could make her afraid of going to sleep! I would just say that her mom had to go away for good (to heaven, or some other place you believe in; just keep it pleasant and simple). I would also tell her that this is just how life is: some people only stay for a short while, just like some pets. I would also not tell her that "god wanted her back" or something like that, since it could create resentment in her toward a god, if that's what you want to teach her.
The most important thing is to make her feel that her mom loved her and still does, wherever she is, and is watching over her. When my dad died, though I was in my 30's, it made me feel good to imagine him watching out for his family, though I'm an agnostic. I still believe the spirit/thought can live on. Just don't use the word "ghost", since for kids, it's usually associated with fear.
You could also add that someday, she will see her mom again, in another life (don't say, yet anyway, "after you die").
Maybe some short family grief counseling would help, and include L., since she's affected too. Good luck to all of you!
2007-01-17 11:03:25 · answer #4 · answered by SieglindeDieNibelunge 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Has L told N that mommy was murdered? If so, tell the truth. You are the one struggling with this. If L told N that mommy is gone to heaven or something like that, just go along with it. You don't have to give gory details to a 3 year old, but you do need to tell the truth. She, N, will be closer to you later if you open up now. Let her know you hurt about mommy's death. She needs to see that part of you. You will be surprised how much better you'll feel when you tell her. She will comfort you as much as you comfort her. Use this time to bond with her. God Bless
2007-01-17 10:58:45 · answer #5 · answered by gigglings 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You (and other friends) can remember mommy with the daughter in any fashion that is positive and age appropriate. There may be local grieving assistance available for the child and/or parents. There is no need to discuss the method of mommy's death at this age, and it won't make a lot of sense anyway.
It takes time to deal with the loss of another person, and tears are one way of coping. If there were favorite activites (like making cookies, or visiting a particular park or zoo), these might be healthy ways to remember mommy.
I would suggest asking the local police force for grief counseling resources.
Good luck!
2007-01-17 13:08:55 · answer #6 · answered by ajgeiger38 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really sorry to hear that, what a difficult situation. At 3 though shes not old enough too be told the truth, tell her that her mother had too go away but she didnt want too and then when she gets older tell her then. The truth is always best because if you lie to her now she'll find out when shes older .
2007-01-17 10:56:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
gosh, this is a really tough situation for you, i'm sorry you're having to go through this. i suppose that the best thing you could tell your daughter about her mother is that there was an accident, and she didn't make it, and tell that story to all parties involved, so your daughter won't get confused. then once your daughter is old enough, you can explain the whole story to her. bless you and your family.
2007-01-17 10:59:44 · answer #8 · answered by LoriBeth 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to sit down with your daughter and explain it to her u dont have to say she was murdered but explain to her that her mother is in heaven with the angels or something along those lines a little girl is going to be curious about her mother it's only natural and it's not fair to leave her confused maybe once u explain to your daughter about her mother she wont bring it up as much
2007-01-17 10:56:08 · answer #9 · answered by bellababi44 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her the truth....you don't keep something like this from a child no matter what their age is and if their friends (if anything) it'll make them even closer. First ask L about how she feels about telling N what happened. GL and sorry for L's loss
2007-01-17 11:03:02 · answer #10 · answered by dragonlady042 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋