what do you feel is a good age to tell a child that the man they think is their father is not?

Question

p.s the child is five... but VERY smart. he is half black. we are all white so he knows there is a difference. I want to be sure he is mature enough. His bio dad wants nothing to do with him at all. denies he is even his.

Answer 1

When they start asking questions, if they start asking questions. If your boyfriend/husband has been a father to him/her, and the child regards the man as a father, why step up and create unnecessary conflict? I am assuming that the biological father is no longer in the picture.

Answer 2

The sooner the better. You should speak to the school psychologist first and get some help in how to approach this. Kids are very perceptive and this child may already have sensed something. You don't say if you're a single parent right now or if you're married or living with someone. If the latter and you're not married why tell him/her at all as there'll be someone new sooner or later. This is a tough one, alright. Depending on the maturity level of the child you should be ready for some acting out. Good luck.

Answer 3

Let me ask if the real father is in their lives? If he isn't then why ruin the relationship they have. If the man treats him as his own and loves him, what good would come of saying anything? I think it would be better to let sleeping dogs lie. If at some point you think they should know, wait until they are teenagers so they can be mentally and emotionally mature enough to understand.

Answer 4

I would tell them as soon as possible......yes it would be traumatic......but the other option is to lie to them forever......Then you are faced with the question of who else knows this secret.....could they ever find out if you decide to never tell them.....Three months ago my mother called me and told me that the man I thought was my father was not.....I will be 36 in 4 weeks....This has been devastating to me.....The man I was told was my father did not meet me until I was 19 months old. Alot of my family was involved in the lie.....For me I lost alot more than a father.....Lies devastate and destroy......I do not know more about your situation, the age of your son, the real father, how the man who he thinks is his father treats your son. I do know though that if you are going to tell him....the sooner he knows the better.....don't wait so he can wonder why you lied to him and waited so long to tell him the truth.

Answer 5

That's tough because if you wait too long, the child might think that you lied to him or her for so long. I would tell him/her when you think they are mature enough to handle it. I would say as young as 10 because your child has the right to know who his or her real father is.

Answer 6

I started off telling my kids from day one. That my husband was not thier father(they were young when we met and wouldnt have remembered their real father). I just tell them that he loves them and is their dad but was not the one that got me pregnant. I dont think its a good idea to keep things from kids you just have to bring it down to a level they can understand and tell them

Answer 7

the sooner the better, it will be less of a shock to them. I found out when I was in my teens and it still bothers me today that my mother never told me sooner. Just find age appropriate words to explain it all.

Answer 8

That depends on how many other people know the secret. Be sure you're the first one to tell them.

Answer 9

after they're 18...why would you want to traumatize a kid for nothing?