Is my mother worth the mental pain...?

Question

I was sexually abused when I was 5 years old. I told my mother (I don't know my father) when I was 14 years of age. Her first response was ''what do you want me to do about it... you should of told me then!''. She then went on to tell me that her father (my granfather) tried to do it to her... and she 'got over it'! My sexual abuser was the brother of my babysitter. I'm now 27 years old. I'm just wondering... many times I have received a negative response from my mother... even when I questioned her as a child (and as an adult) about my father. Should I accept my mother for who she is and get along with her? Recently, I stopped contacting my mother because she insisted that I need breast implants and that she would come with me to the consultation... i told her that she was offensive and she refused to acknowledge or apologise...I feel that ending contact with her was petty in comparison to what has happened i to me in the past. Is my mother worth the mental pain?

Answer 1

SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS MIMICING THE RESPONSE SHE MAY HAVE RECEIVED WHEN SHE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED. I KNOW AT A CERTAIN AGE GROUP, THEY JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

BUT THIS BREAST IMPLANT THING HAS ME THROWN FOR A LOOP. JUST TRY TO KEEP IT CORDIAL AND AS LOVING AS YOU CAN. MAYBE HER ABUSE MADE HER THIS WAY. THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU CAN GO AND GET HELP FOR YOURS. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO COME FROM HER ALTHOUGH I AM SURE YOU WISH IT WOULD. I MOST CERTAINLY CAN RELATE AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE CONTACT ME VIA E-MAIL LET ME KNOW.

Answer 2

Were you worth the physical pain your mother knew when you were born? Perhaps your mother is doing the best she knows how. Many people never learn to have a positive approach to life. Shall we sever relationships with them because they have problems? Perhaps they need positive people in their lives more than other people. As you mature and think back on all the parts of your past that weren't perfect do you plan to worry over that the rest of your life or do you intend to accept it for what it was and make a determination to build a good life in spite of what's in the past? At some point, each of us has something in our past we simply must "get over." You didn't tell your mother about your abuse for nine years. You are an adult now and you know who your abuser was so if you want to confront them, do so. It might make you feel better. I don't know why your mother refused to tell you who your father is. Perhaps she has some shame about that. Your mother's imperfect but she is your mother. Ending contact with her is immature and hurtful.

Answer 3

You have no other choice but to accept her the way she is. You cannot change that fact. You can, however, change how you react to the situation. It appears that you feel some guilt or responsibility in this emotionally abusive relationship. Your mother is not who she is because of you, rather because she chooses to be. She is without question in denial ("there is nothing wrong with me, it's you"). For your own sanity, confront her with how you feel and advise that if she refuses to get help (or help herself if she has that ability) that you cannot and will not subject yourself to her insults and negativity. Some mothers are truly mothers, some are just "birth bodies". It hurts to severe a relationship with family, but relationships that make you feel bad or guilty are not healthy. If she wants to continue the relationship, she will get help. If she doesn't, then you are not important enough in her life. Good luck, and take heed. Your mother's contribution to this relationship is just as important as your own. When your mother learned of your abuse at age 5, she should have been there to comfort you and seek professional help for you. She did neither. It would be wise for you to do so now. Good luck and learn to love yourself.

Answer 4

One reason people get away with sexual abuse is that the culprit can see the victims personality has been greatly suppressed. You couldn't complain at age 5 but evidently had enough self esteem at 14 to do something about it. Well done.

Something your mum never did.

The fact that she thinks she can make you have implants is a reflection of the mindset of the person that abused her (and the person that abused you). She reinforces his behavior by copying the attitude. It could almost be an attempt to 'justify' it.

Sexual abuse in childhood affects the ability of a person to enjoy normal day-to-day relationships. (Not just sexual relationships).

No one is going to tell you to stop seeing your mum. You might find it helpful to associate with people that make you feel good about yourself and can heighten your self esteem. Then you wont feel threatened when/if your mum suggests something like this.

Good luck.

Answer 5

maybe there is more to your mothers past about the abuse then she is willing to talk about and that is why she is giving you a negative answer when you ask her or tell her about things.

Not that that is right but sometime it is what happens.

Are you trying to find your father.? Is he on your birth certificate.? Do you have a relative that you can ask.?

Try at least not hate your mother. You may not have all the facts, You dont have to have her in your life full time but what until you know everything to make a decision.

Answer 6

First of all, one does not have to love the family, in some cases it just doesn't work. You need to realize this first, and accept it. When you do, I think you have a better chance/ability to deal with those issues.
A mother who tells her daughter that she need breast implants is not really sane! So she need consulting.
There are more to it than this, but I think that you should start with you acceptance of the fact that it is OK to dislike your mother.
And I do also think that it would be a good idea for you to se a therapist as well.

Answer 7

What a sad situation and I can tell you want to have a relationship with your mother. Unfortunately, it is probably not going to change. From experience (and a great psychologist), I learned that the relationship I have with my mother is not going to be the relationship I want to have with my mother. I had to decide if I wanted to have the relationship the way it is or not deal with her. I chose to have the relationship. But, there is a lot of emotional bs you have to deal with that you have to ignore and sort out by continuing in the relationship. I cannot tell you what will work for you. There was a period of about a year in my life that was a very happy year for me because my family stopped communicating with me. It was so wonderful not to deal with the guilt, the nastiness and the meanness; but they started talking to me again.

You should definitely get counseling to deal with the sexual abuse as well as defining your relationship with your mom. It helps to have a person who doesn't know you or your family to discuss issues with. I know it helped me to have a non-judgmental person to tell my feelings too.

Good luck to you.

Answer 8

hi
friends or family, sometimes ya gotta ask yourself if it is worth the pain to continue on with the relationship. i just can't believe~no, i am just appalled at the responce your mother had from her child seeking help. and the saga continues with her continued neglect. i think it would be a wise thing to do, to get counseling for yourself. nothing like fighting off pain when you have the right tools to do it! good luck and hold your head up high dear, you've made it thru hell.

Answer 9

I think you mom needs help and by you ignoring her or refusing to stay in contact with her is only going to make matters worse. Your mom needs help, guidance, counseling, therapy. One if not all of these. BUT I think just sitting down and talking with her will be a start. An answer to her question, "What do you want me to do about it?" Well we can start by addressing it. If this person did this to you, you best believe he will do it to other children family as well as neighbors kids, and or strangers kids. He MUST be STOPPED NOW.

Answer 10

No don't even give her the time of day what happen to you is very serious...
the meaning of mom in my books is to be with your kids 100% even if she knows you did wrong ( look at some of the moms that sick with there kids in jail and they killed people)

and in your case you didn't even do anything wrong so she should be with you 120% and she isn't ....so she is no mom

so don't contacted her and one day when you have a child make sure you learn from all your moms parenting cause if you do all the OPPOSITE of what your mom has done when it comes to parenting you would be a great parent......