I have been dating an older gentlemen for about 8 months now. There's a nine year difference in our ages. He has been married and divorced twice. He says that he loves me but he also love both of his ex-wives. I became upset when he told me that. He tried to reassure me that he is in love with me and does not love them the same way he loves me. He says I am overreacting and being insecure about the whole thing. I say love is love no way around it there is no difference in being in love and loving someone. If there is a difference I would like to know what the diffference is. I am beginning to think that perhaps he may decide to go back to one of them. I really don't know if I am blowing this out of apportion and overreacting. I need some solid advice from someone mature enough to understand where I am is coming from?
2007-01-16 21:55:48 · 18 answers · asked by Denese 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
HEY!!!! Take a deep breath! relax a little. I know what he said really hurt, and it is something that he maybe should not have said.... but yes, there are different levels of love. Let's look at some examples of love in a more innocent way.... you can love the following without being in love with it/them.... your best friend, your parents or family, pets, and in this case..... ex-wives. If he has any feeling at all, of course he will still care about them.... afterall, he felt strong enough to get married to them in the first place. However, somewhere along the way, they discovered that it wasn't right. That is why both women are ex's. You are the one he is "IN-LOVE" with now. That's important because we want to separate the two.... love and in-love. When you love something, you care about it more than just liking something. When you are in-love with someone, they are the world to you.
Without writing a whole novel here, I would say that you should tone it down a little... ask him to really think about what he is saying before saying anything about his ex-wives. But don't worry too much about this. Hope this helped.
2007-01-16 22:05:30 · answer #1 · answered by Paulyterp 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure how I'd feel about this. On one hand it's reassuring to know he still cares for them even though the marriages ended, it's much better than bitterness or residual resentment. I guess it comes down to how secure you feel in the current relationship. He obviously felt secure enough to be able to share his feelings with you, which is a good thing. I wonder if he means he loves the life he had with them whilst married, after all it can't have been all bad. There is definately a difference between loving someone and being in love. You can love someone and not want to be with them, but being in love is that more exciting wanting to be someone to share life and experiences, mixed with lust. I think what is of more concern is his relationship track record and why his two marriages failed. I think he just needs to reassure you that he's accepted those relationships are over and he wouldn't want to try to ressurect either of them, for what it's worth I don't think that's what he meant.
2007-01-17 06:10:05 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if he means he loves them as friends. He probably put alot of his heart and soul into the marriages. Because of that, even those negative things can happen to cause him to divorce, it's still hard not to say he loves them. Remember he's 9 years older than you, and has been around the block more than you. It sounds as if this situation may not be good for you because why did he get married both times? What caused their divorces? Those are questions you have to answer. Is he worthy of a third marriage with you? If I were a lady, I wouldn't have a relationship with him. You can be friends, but I'd be skeptical, too. I have a lady friend who is a very good friend of mine. She's been married 3 times. She has a wandering eye. She's very pretty, intelligent, has a good job, two great kids, but she knows we won't even discuss marriage. We're just friends and that's where it lies. Maybe you should think like that. Is it in your best interests to be his 3rd wife?
2007-01-17 06:07:20 · answer #3 · answered by gone 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This man has two previous marriages, he has shared a part of his life with his ex-wives. He can't change his past, it is a fact.
As for the chapter "love", i think there is a difference between how we love our boyfriend/ husband/ lover, how we love our friends or family. If he says he loves both of his ex-wives you should not worry. You should worry if he said that he loves ONE of his ex-wives.
On the other hand, you should be glad that he shares his thoughts and feelings with you ;) So that you can have a kind of control... Would it be better not knowing anything?! Think of that.
2007-01-17 06:29:32 · answer #4 · answered by Nicole 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i have been on the other side meaning i was the wife and lots of times men just like to hold on to the past and the girlfriend so take it slow and don't jump in to quick because he has to be extremely clear what he wants and needs to close the door on his past with the x (but not with his children) because he will bring you down with him i hope he does not love them the same way but wen you look at his past alreary 2x wives hum lot of baggage there and an older man be carefull he seems like he is running the show and always has at least with his girls in french there is a saying jamais 2 sans 3 means he did twice divorce he can do it 3 times ,he should go in for counseling to find out where the probleme is he seems to have a pattern good luck lorie
2007-01-17 06:18:22 · answer #5 · answered by lorie v 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
being IN love and loving someone are two completly different things. For example, I love a lot of people, but I'm not IN love with them, I'm seceretly IN love with the guy I'm dating, but that's a whole other story.
I understand where you're coming from, I can see how you would think that if he says that he "loves" his ex-wives then he would go back to one of them
I dont think that you have anything to worry about, you just need to realise that he's IN love with you, but cares about his ex-wives as he cares about his friends and family.
I think you need to take a deep breath and trust the man.
Good Luck
2007-01-17 06:04:13 · answer #6 · answered by vinyl_mad 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love comes in many different shapes and sizes... The love for a girlfriend/wife is not the same as the love for a child, friend or animal...
He loves you in a very intimate way... He probably loves his ex-wives as friends...
If you can't get your head round that, then you are very childish and need to tell him you are incapable of getting over your own insecurity...
2007-01-17 06:01:14 · answer #7 · answered by Forlorn Hope 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your spouse or ex spouse is not a child, and the love you have for a spouse is replaceable. The love of your child IS NOT!!!
The love he has for the ex's has changed from the passionate love to the common love that exists between people that have shared something.
You will however be ex No 3 if you dont curb that jealous streak that you have going on.
2007-01-17 06:03:42 · answer #8 · answered by poutanaki4u 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well as an expert i have an ex and my love has 3 of them
yes you are way out of line there will always be love between ex's if it was a mutual break up and they are still friends and there is no animosity between them
i love my ex we had almost 20 yrs together and we have a son together we had some very good times and he will always have a place in my life he is part of me and what makes me me we had life experiences together that has made me who i am right this second.
it sounds like you have not lived as many yrs and have experiences like he has and your age is comming out.
it all comes down to trust and who is he with now
2007-01-17 06:03:52 · answer #9 · answered by elite_women_rule_the_rock 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you know why the break ups happened?
It's a tricky one you have to be sure you want to take on THIS much baggage. If you can talk to the ex's it could help. I can understand why you would worry but be realistic. Is he always on the phone to them? Always going round more than you'd expect? How long since they split up? Trust your instinct but don't overreact.
2007-01-17 06:01:36 · answer #10 · answered by Basket-santa 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋