Am I wrong for keeping a personal journal from my boyfriend?

Question

I have a boyfriend whom I've been dating for about 1 1/2 years. In this amount of time, due to other issues, I have alienated myself from most of my friends and people I would confide in. My BF is kind of hard to talk to as well. SO, in July, I began keeping a diary of things going on in my life (be it our relationship, my family, friends, work, etc.) I do this to get out frustrations and thoughts that would otherwise stew inside of me, and put them on paper, so I can later reflect while in a different mood! People tell me this is good for me. My BF on the other hand feels I should not have this journal and thinks I'm keeping secrets from him. I told him if he HAS to read then go ahead. But he won't. He assumes its all bad stuff about him & he'll just give me crap about it when he notices I've had it out and written in it. Keep in mind we're not married, engaged. or co-habitating, so I have 2 questions. 1) Am I wrong for keeping this diary? 2) Am I obligated to share it with him?

Keep in mind that I have offered to let him read it. But he refuses. I have offered to stop and throw it away and he says "don't do that". Instead he says "if you feel you gotta hide things and keep secrets, go ahead!!" I'll make him mad either way it seems!

Ok, 4 those who answered "yes". Please expain your answers. I'm very curious as to why you feel this way. At what point in the relationship does a man gain ownership and right to ALL of my property, thought, and feelings. Because the next time I reach that point in this or another relationship, I'm gonna ruuuuuuunnnnn!!!!

Thanks to all who answered! Everyone had very valid points and i noticed the "yes" people kinda slunked away...lol! My BF saw the question and STRONGLY suggest I elaborate on HIS reasoning for feeling insecure about my diary. Becuz of the communication issue, I have had the tendency to keep things from him that are going on in my life, little things like some other guy hitting on me (which i refused), running into old BFs or talking to them. I'm not (nor have I ever) cheated on him. He just has a tendency to get upset and angry and puts ME on the receiving end, even over things that are out of my control. So I just shut up and started writing instead. I'm not trying to be malicious or dishonest, I just don't need the extra stress of fighting w/ him over stupid crap! Some of U are right, I should be able to communicate w/ my partner. But its easier to write it down in an object that will not judge me or argue back!

Answer 1

Not in anyway are you wrong for keeping a personal journal from your boyfriend. You are entitled as a person to your privacy! You shouldn't feel obligated to go against your gut and your own wishes and share whatever it is you want to write down just because someone else is pressuring you. You wrote in the journal for a reason correct - to get out frustration - not to think bad things about people around you and keep secrets from them. Your personal journal is YOUR personal journal and no one should have the right to tell you whether or not you should have one.

As for your boyfriend, it isn't fair of him to choose what he thinks is best for you (to journal or not to journal). I'm pretty sure he hasn't gone through the issues you mentioned himself and most certainly - he isn't you, so how can he possibly be so sure that this isn't right for you. To me, it sounds like he's a little insecure of himself, the things he's done, and is kind of unsure of the relationship between the two of you. Maybe you should try to approach him and explain that your personal journal is your own personal journal and if you had an issue that dealt with him personally, you would bring it to his attention so it wouldn't create unnecessary tension (if you're not doing this, try this - honesty is MUCH better, trust me). Tell him that you don't think it's fair that he should tell you what HE thinks is best for YOU. Tell him that you understand he's concerned, but you are you and maybe writing it down on paper and gathering and collecting your thoughts will help you if you ever do want to tell other people. After all, he has been with you for 1 1/2 years - he should understand.

But, even though I'm saying all of this - it probably isn't a good idea to alienate yourself from those you would confide in. I mean, writing down and venting is a good idea, in fact - it's a great idea, but wouldn't you feel better not having to ostracize yourself to write. You could simply say, "I'm not really feeling too well about xyz, well - you get the gist of what's going on - I don't really feel like talking about it so much right now." And move on. The people you confide in should understand that - including your boyfriend.

I guess the bottomline is is that you are entitled to your privacy and your own personal being. You aren't wrong for doing what you think is best for you and you don't have to share your journal with him if you don't feel like it. Your decisions should be respected and taken into consideration - as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else.

Answer 2

No you are not wrong. Everyone has the right, if they choose, to keep a journal and not have it read by anyone. If you wanted to voice your feelings you would. It is safer to put your innermost stuff in a journal than in someone's ear that could then blab it around. Your BF is just insecure with the relationship for some reason. That is the point I would communicate with him about. Even if you were married, engaged or co-habitating, it is none of his business what you write. You gave him the chance to read it and he chose not to. I am concerned that you are alienating yourself from your friends and that he doesn't communicate with you. He sounds controlling and manipulative...possibly passive aggressive. I think the two of you need to get into some sort of counseling - private or group - if your relationship is going to survive. Honesty, trust, communication - all are important for a foundation in a relationship. I think you really need to take a good look at yourself, your needs and goals and see if he fits into your life-long plans. So far, I would say not...

Answer 3

You are so not wrong, its a perosnal journal for you to reflect your thoughts and feelings. If you cant share them with him you need some other outlet. Honestly Im your same position and I keep a journal, but my bf doesnt even know about it. And I dont think he should. Its the only think I have thats personal and some things should be private. And its called a personal journal for a reason. On the other hand, you should have never offered to share that with him. Have some respect for yourself. A jounral is an awesome way to keep feelings intact and in control. He shouldnt assume that its all bad, and honestly even if it was, its your private thoughts. Keep em that way

Answer 4

Your boyfriend does NOT have any sort of ownership over you or your possessions. A relationship is a mutual affair, not a sort of master/slave deal. You have every right to keep your own friends (even the male ones - especially the male ones), to keep your own time, to keep your own private thoughts private, and to keep your own journal.

Hun, it doesn't matter whether he gets angry, you need to remain yourself and remain in touch with your core by any means, even if it requires writing in a diary often. You are not in the wrong for keeping the journal and you're certainly not wrong for not sharing it with him (I would not have even offered).

Believe me, it's good to vent - we all need to do it. And if nobody is around who'll listen the journal can be a great way to do it. It is very healthy for your own state of mind and your emotions - you don't want to foster hurtful frustrations!

It sounds like he has some insecurities and your journal is becoming a symbol for them. Rather than bending to his wishes there might be some way to draw his own fears out of him so that he can face his demons. Best of luck.

Answer 5

Its most deff not wrong for you to keep it from him. I myself have been with my man for a year now and I do the same thing, I have my own personal journal and mine knows about it. I can't talk to my best friend ether and i have seperated myself from everyone else besides him and no one understands anyways, so the only place i can go is to my journal. My journal doesn't judge me like other people and it's great for releaving the stress. I think that it's okay to share it with him but I wouldn't. He could later judge the things that you wrote in it. It's not his feelings it's yours and no one can change the way that you feel about it. If he wants to read it then fine but he can't be mad for something that offends him. Your not keeping any secrets if your willing to share it. Tell him that he needs to grow up and respect the things that you do. I hope this helps you!

Answer 6

I think its an absolute GREAT idea you have your own private journal. The key word in that phrase is PRIVATE. I hate when people say that when you have a boyfriend or husband you have to share everything with them. I fact is, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do nomatter if your singe,married, dating or whatever. Always remember, you are your own person. When you said that either way he gets mad, I say he isn't meeting you half way. It's not keeping secrets from him. It's you having some privacy and doing what you want to do. If he gets mad at your decision, then let him, thats his problem, not yours. If he is comfortable with you and trusts you, then their shouldn't be a problem what so ever. Sounds like he has issues and he just needs to resolve them within himself. I don't know why your best friend isn't backing you up, that is quite bizzare to me. Good Luck, please keep up that private journal. It's good for you mentally and physically.

Answer 7

NO u are definitely now wrong for keeping this from him.
1- every once in awhile your gonna need someone to talk to and since you've given up all of your friends (which i don't know why??), and he is hard to talk to , you most definitely need to be able to vent some how.
2- if u can't talk to him is this really a healthy relationship... remember communication, along with trust and love are all cornerstones on HEaltHY Relationships.
3- besides it's not as if u have anything to hide u gave him the opportunity to read it on several different occasions he didn't wanna read it ... not your problem...

Answer 8

No, you are not wrong to keep your journal from your bf. Every person must maintain their integrity and have a life of their own.
BTW, it very much sounds as though he's in the process of isolating you from friends and that's NOT a good sign at all. It is one way manipulators "control" their SO with their consent. You have a right and a duty to have and keep your private thoughts.

Answer 9

First of all i highly suggest you KEEP the diary. don't ever stop doing something that you enjoy just because it bothers a man. you keeping this diary is not cheating on him, it is not hurting him in any way and really it is none of his businesses what you write about.
this is a very big personality flaw on his part. first of all he is trying to make you stop doing something that is not at all disrupting his life. second, now that you offered to stop writing in the diary and or let him read it he is making you feel guilty about it by tuning everything you do or say against him. (example: when he says no i don't want to read it because you just wrote a bunch of bad stuff about me, that is manipulative and wrong) when men do this to there partners it makes them feel like they are suffocating. its like no matter what you do, you are the bad guy. and all of this just for a DIARY?????

Answer 10

I think you are perfectly within your right to have a place to put your own thoughts and feelings. I think your boyfriend is showing that he is a very self absorbed person when he thinks that you are talking solely about him.

I think you should tell him that this belongs to you and you feel that it is perfectly okay for you to be keeping a journal. Tell him that you are your own person and not just his girlfriend and you deserve a place that is just yours. Let him know that he is being a jerk for making a big deal about it and that you deserve an apology. Also be clear that if he wants to have his own journal, he is perfectly able to.