i feel like laughting got any good jokes?

Answer 1

heres a bunch that i love!
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I was just loading my favorite mule, Bessie, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now WTF would you say?
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me ElmoS. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. I'm sorry," he
says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. "He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW, Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
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how did PINOCCHIO find out he was made of wood? when his hand caught on fire.
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what do you call a woman with ONE LEG? Eileen (I lean)
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YO MOMMAS
yo mommas so fat she jumped into the ocean and the whales started singing “we are family, even though your fatter than me!”
yo mommas so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application!
yo mommas so fat she laid on the beach and people ran around yelling Free Willy!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please".
yo mommas so dumb she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
yo mama is so old that when she walked into an antique store they kept her.
yo mommas so ugly she scared a blind man.
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what do you tell a one-legged hitchhiker? hop in.
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
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what do you call a man with NO ARMS OR LEGS in the ocean? bob
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LEARN CHINESE
that’s not right – sum ting wong
stupid man – dum gai
small horse – ti ni po ni
i think you need a face lift – chin tu fat
did u go to the beach? – wai yu so tan
its very dark in here – wai so dim
cleaning car – wa shin ka
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Three men were out in the middle of the ocean. One was American, one was, Mexican, and one was Chinese. The Chinese man said, "I have too much of this in my country." And threw down some grains of rice in the ocean. The Spanish man said, "I have too many of these in my country!" and threw down some tamales. The American man didn't have anything but said, "I have too much of these in MY country." and threw down the Mexican man!!

Answer 2

1.-There was a blonde woman that needed some money so she went to the park where she saw a little boy. She then wrote a note saying "I have kidnapped your child. Tomorrow put $5000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the bench that’s next to the pine tree at the park." She taped the note to the kid and told him to go home to his mom and show her the note. Sure enough, the next day there was the brown paper bag under the bench, with all the money in it. Also in the bag was a note that said "HOW could you do this to a fellow blonde!?"


2.-Two blonds where in Oklahoma. One says, which is closer: the moon or Florida? The other says: heeeeellloooo? Can you SEE Florida?


3.-A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde get lost in the forest. They start walking around, and suddenly, they find a mirror. It has a reading on the top: say a lie in front of this mirror and you’ll disappear to a better world. So the brunette goes first. She says: “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on the Earth”, and she disappears. The redhead goes next: “I think I’m the most intelligent person on Earth”, and she vanishes. The blonde walks forward, and steps in front of the mirror. She starts talking: “I think…” and she vanishes.


4.-A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For best results, put on two coats".


5.- A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine, she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this until a guy standing behind her said, "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not when I am winning!!"


9.- What did the blonde say when she looked in the Cheerio box?
Ah!, Look! Donut seeds!


7.- What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
The last years hide-n-seek winner


8.- Why did the blonde get kicked out of the M&M factory?
She threw all of the W's away.


7.- What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
The last years hide-n-seek winner

Hope you liked them!!!

Answer 3

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat.The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.The nun,surprised by the question,politely declines and gets off at the next stop.When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie,"If you want I can tell you how you can get the nun to have sex with you." The hippie, of course, says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetary to pray to the Lord."If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver (male)"you could tell her you are God and command her to have sex with you." Well, the hippie decides to try this out.So that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding,in robes and glowing with a mask of God."I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out "Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" The nun replies by whipping off his mask and shouting "Ha!Ha! I'm the bus driver!!!"

Answer 4

Here is one you can personalize and use on a good friend.
Say you and your friend (Bill Smith) are at a party.

"Did I tell you about the first time I saw Bill? This ad appeared in the paper for a seminar on the paranormal. I had nothing going on so I decided it might be fun. This lady got up front and talked about different instances of people connecting with folks from the afterlife and other unusual situations. At the end of her lecture, she asked the audience 'How many in here have ever felt like they were in the presence of ghosts?' About 50 people raised their hands. 'How many in here have ever seen ghosts?' About 20 raised their hands. 'How many have ever communicated with ghosts?' 5 hands were raised. 'Okay, how many in here have ever had sex with ghosts?' This guy raised his hand. She asked 'would you please stand and state your name?' The man stood and said 'My name is Bill Smith.' She asked 'Bill, you have actually had sex with ghosts?' He replied, 'Oh, I thought you said goats!'"

Answer 5

Great, I pictured myself trying to get into a leotard and laughed out loud. Not a pretty picture.

Answer 6

what goes in long and hard and comes out wet?

answer: a piece of bubble gum

Answer 7

sure

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
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i hope u liked them!