soon to be stepmom(engaged) needs advice on spoiled 8yr old stepson "joe"?

Question

joe is my bf's son from his 1st marrage.the problem is joe wants consent one on one attention from my bf when he comes to our house,he even has to sleep with joe.joe is fine if he has a freind over to play with but if its just us he makes his dad feel guilty for spending any time with me.his dad can spend 9 hrs straight playing with him(which he does all the time) and then want to sit and talk to me for 15 mins and his son has a fit.he says things like "its my day to be with you i don't like this" i understand this is their "special time" but joe gets to be with dad every other day and weekend and 90% of the time he has his dads full attention. i also join in on games too.i believe the problem in part maybe my bf's exwife.she is very bitter and resentful of the divorce(even after 7yrs,he )and talks badly infront of joe about us.also she consently throws in my bfs face how he abandoned his family.my bf being a good dad feels guilty and gives into joes every wish thus spoiling joe badly.

i don't think its about the divorce. my bf has been divorced since joe was a baby and i met his dad 7 mons after he left his wife when joe was 18 mons.so this life is all joe has ever known

Answer 1

This is really your boyfriend's problem. No matter what Joe's mom has told him, the spoiling is dad's fault. You need to talk to your boyfriend about the way you feel, he can sit Joe down and talk to him about manners and about not being selfish; however, I have to warn you, he probably won't. It sounds like this is his way of dealing with Joe and it sounds like this is the way Joe likes it. Whether it's the best thing for the child or not... this is the way it is. You may have to either live with the idea that whenever Joe is visiting you come second to your boyfriend or you may have to move on to a different boyfriend with fewer guilt issues and better parenting skills.

Answer 2

The kid is an 8 year old, right? Obviously, the divorce affected the kid. Joe probably has abandonment issues esp. at a time when the same gender parent is very important to the psychological development of a child.

You can't compete with a 8 year old, you're the adult. Just try to be more understanding of the kid. You might want to make Joe, the kid, feel like he should not be threatened by you. Make him feel like you love his father and you love him just as much; it might change the boy's insecurity, the feelings of loss, the anxiety and abandonment, then he will stop acting up.

Also, you guys might want to take the 8 year old to a child psychologist because obviously he dealt with the divorce badly and has been coping inefficiently. Otherwise, you guys are looking at raising an adult who is going to have problems with adult relationships when he gets older.

Please don't be harsh on the kid, he's just a kid who feels insecure and has abandonment issues due to his parents' divorce. Once he stops viewing you as someone who is stealing his dad away from him; he'll stop acting up. Surely, you can't expect the kid to be the bigger person, you're the adult.

Also, you have no control over what your BF's ex says, just be civil and quit getting mixed into his bitter divorce squabbles. You might actually want to postpone the wedding.....One day just remember, you might be the ex-wife. Just monitor how he treats his ex. and decide if he's still the one for you.

Answer 3

Lady run as fast as you can from this relationship! If Joe 's daddy can't control him now what makes you think it's going to get any better after you marry him?

This kid will destroy any relationship his father and you or anyone else has with him. Could be he secretly hopes his father and mother will get back together again.

You and Joe's daddy better have a real strategy on parenting when and if you marry the man, because if not you won't be married to him long, the kid will see to that.

Answer 4

Joe is 8 years previous and speaks and comprehends, I say it's time to sit down down Joe down and have an grownup communication with him enable him know that's not his specific get which contain his dad yet his specific get which contain the the two one among you and that it makes you experience undesirable that he supplies his dad each and all of the attention and barley any to you in different words use slightly of opposite psychology on ole Joe ... make him think of he's on top of issues and then be his step mom. additionally you could desire to communicate to Joe's Dad he enables this habit and that may not sturdy. I understand that the genuine mom might have some administration over your project yet infants understand that they are allowed to act one way at one homestead and yet differently at yet another homestead sooo... you could desire to set the regulations to your place and be consistent. in case you have been around Joe because of the fact he replace into purely a toddler you may desire to have already got those issues popular.

Answer 5

8 yr old is a very difficult age. kids are stubborn at this age.
U both need to find the child activities to do while u and hubby sit and watch a movie or whatever.
Get him a mp3 player to listen to music on his ears or
Gameboy will keep him active.

Answer 6

Ease into the relationship with him, sit down, have some family time. If your b/f doesn't have sole custody, explain the custody agreement in simple terms ("You can see your real mom on the weekends, but during the school week, I'm going to be your mom")

Answer 7

Talk to ur lover and make him talk to your stepson abou u
and be good to the little kid