I have a unique situation...what do you think?

Question

Well...I'm a Christian...and I am engaged to a WONDERFUL man. He's from another country and he's coming here for school. We intend to get married but it will take a litle time due to some paperwork issues we have to overcome. He doesn't have a lot of money...and so we're going to have a little "wedding ceremony" - but no paperwork...and then he's going to live with me. What do you think? Please be nice...no need to call me names or anything. I know God still loves me and sees my heart. The Bible also says in one of the gospels that if a man sleeps with his betrothed before they're married it's ok as long as they actually GET married and I know we will... I just want to hear your input so I can get the general climate of how we'll be accepted once he's here...thanks!

Answer 1

I must say, I am under the impression that you have never even met the fellow - right? Internet and all that! And you are working to secure a visa for him so he can shack up with you? Odd that with all that you would preface your remarks by saying that you are a Christian, as though that allows you a special dispensation. I am guessing your fellow is not a Christian, and is probably just fishing in the Internet waters for a likely fish to give him papers for your country. He is probably already married!

Answer 2

Is he a Christian? If he is not than you shouldn't be getting married. Who is going to perform the "little wedding"? Living together outside of marriage is called fornication in the Bible and will be judged by God. If you are going to have a little ceremony, just have a person licensed to marry do the little ceremony and it will be legal. If one of you does not want that, the big question is "why don't they want it to be legal?" I think your Bible knowledge is off, and it doesn't say that you can sleep with someone you are engaged to. In fact it says the opposite. (See the story of Mary and Joseph). What is so difficult about just refraining until you get all this "paperwork" done. If you are genuine and trusting God, He will work out the details if you just commit yourself to doing it His way. Somehow I sense that there is something here that you are not telling us. I have never known anyone who was better off by disobeying God's commands than they would be if they obeyed. God bless you and I hope things work out God's way and you have a great relationship together.

Answer 3

First question - Where is HERE?

Second Question - Not even a civil wedding?

IF you did it legally and had a civil wedding - that is legitimately recognized, and you can have a big church blessing/wedding later on.
If you do NOT have any civil ceremony, then you'll just be common-law. There is nothing wrong with that.

Assuming you are sponsoring him under the fiance category in USA, I beleive you have to be married for real within 90 days. But you said he will be here on a student visa. Does that mean the visa identifies him as single, and he does not want to void the visa by getting married?

In which case you need to be very sure that he is NOT just using you to get a green card.

Also if you are common-law, you usually have to live together for 12 months with proof before you can even apply for permanent resident (green card) status. If you are legally married, you can apply immediately. Obviously a wedding certificate will be required as proof.

IF you are sponsoring him to Canada, then you cannot begin the sponsorship process until, AFTER you are legally married as Canada no longer has any fiance category.

Answer 4

No, its not alright, you may live as brother and sister, but not as man and wife. Being legally married is the only way to fulfill the requirements of marriage. Ask your pastor, and if you don't it will be because you know his answer in your heart. If your faith is important to you see if he can bunk in with a church family until your real wedding. Doing things right, from the beginning will make it easy for you to hold up your head later, when the kids ask you if you had sex before marriage. And some little wedding ceremony won't mean more than the old hippie rainbow weddings that used to happen and had no more lasting effect then the rainbows they were named after.

Answer 5

My sweetheart and I did that. (He was American, we were just country-city.) It caused a Lot of Confusion, for example, hurting people's feelings who fell in love not realizing we were "married. Ultimately it undermined our respect for each other. When we finally Did get married, welll...

You'll have friends and "be accepted" no matter what you do. God will love you no matter what you do. But your highest joy will come from the discipline of being really honest.

How do you plan to celebrate the day when he's actually ready to take his place at the head of your home? Do your think your current plans will make that easier or harder? How will he treat you (and you, him) in the meantime? Once you've gotten in the habit of looking at someone as a toy, and your life as some little charade while you put the real thing on hold, how will you two break into reality? Will this endear you to his family? Him to yours? Will you be bringing greater respect into their little world? (Maybe yes. I'm just asking. It didn't work for us. They always hated and despised me, until he finally gave me up for someone, a lesser person, that they liked, who they thought was honest [they were wrong].)

I don't get the impression you feel comfortable about this. And, no, it isn't a unique situation! Throughout your life you'll have many reasons as good as the ones you've thought up now for doing just about anything. He'll know that, and so will you. Don't do this, Baby. If you love him, or anybody, don't sell short! You don't have to.

Answer 6

Hannah, thanks to the anonymity of this site I feel free in commenting otherwise it would be very hard for me to confess and try to help you.

First, many posts are very good and I hope you read them all, but I want to address the heart of your question and not speculate on your intent or his.

Now, I met my wife at a christian school. It was a rocky start, but we fell in love and it was as sure as a heart attack. Much later we started spending a lot of time alone and unsupervised. You guessed it, we had sex. Our reason was simple. Time. We were going to get married and it was "just a formality." The truth is we let our emotions and hormones get the better of us.

Fallout:

First, we can never tell our kids that we waited, as they should. Even though we have never known another and we were both in our mid 20's.

Second, the honeymoon was not all that great or something to look forward to.

Third, my wife once confessed to me that had we not made love she might not have married me after all.

Finally, I think it has affected our sex life to this day, but not in the degree it had early on.

You my dear are worth the wait and so is he, so do not rush it. Get to know the man and take your time. Marriage should be forever and you will only have one first time for sure.

Answer 7

Since you make a point of defining yourself as a Christian, then it would seem best if he is a Christian as well. And if you are both Christians, you would both feel better if you waited. But you are a realist and recognize the physical needs of yourself and him. Personally, I don't have a problem with your line of reasoning, but I am sure you will find some critics if you look for them. I admire your honesty and willingness to stand up for your decision. You are not planning to sneak around and then pretend to be morally perfect. As well, here's an idea: There is a minister out there who will marry you in a church even though the state will not recognize the validity of the marriage. This route might feel best for both of you. Marriage is primarily about the couple and the church, not the couple and the state.

Answer 8

My Pastor has married couples in his office for free, why don't you check with your church and do the same thing? Then you could have a wedding ceremony at a later date and not have to worry about circumventing what you know is God's express will for a couple. Your Pastor can perform a ceremony without any paper work and you two would be married in God's and the Christian communities eyes even if you still had to go through legal formalities to get the state to recognize the union.

Answer 9

Well I hope he gets caught and deported. Myself and my wife and our kids had to go through hell to get immigration into the states and its mainly because of people like you who use fake excuses for getting into the country and then marrying illegally. As far as the christian part A christian wouldnt lie about bringing another man into the country saying he is here for school but is really here for you! Besides depending on where the person is from thats probally his only objective anyway to marry and get citizenship then leave you for a better person.
Your neither a christian or a good person.
Love is a great thing but if you want to do things the right way and not mess things up for everyone else then you will get married the legal way. File a K-1 Fiance visa and get it done. Otherwise I hope he gets deported and never allowed here again!!!!

Answer 10

In the US, if you and your intended hold yourselves out as being married, that is, you both tell others you are married, then you are indeed married ... it's called a common-law marriage.

If you can find a minister willing to perform a ceremony without the paperwork being done (which, btw, is less than $50 in most states) and he performs the ceremony, then you are indeed married.

My thought is that if he is unwilling to even put forth a few bucks to keep you honorable in the eyes of society, then perhaps he's not ready to make such a deep commitment as marriage.