What is your funniest joke? Best/funniest joke gets you 10 points!?

Question

You can use any topic and don't worry I am very hard to offend.

Answer 1

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt off and bra off, and throws herself on him.

"Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy b*tch, iron this."


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One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.

The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks.

So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."


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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."



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Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said
"Help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis!". The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! "There has got to be another way!", said the man and the doctor sighed. "No I am so sorry!" The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in a lot of pain! The man on the floor cried,"What did the doctor say?". The friend said,"He said you're going to die."

Answer 2

I little boy comes in and asks his dad what is the difference between hypothetically and realistically. His dad said,"Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with mail man for a million dollars. The little boy says ok and walks in and ask his mother and she of course says yes. The boy tells his dad and his dad says go ask your sister the same question the boy does and she of course says yes. The boy tells his dad what his sister said and he said go ask your older brother if he would sleep with the mail man for a million dollars. The boy asks his brother and the brother says yes he goes back to his dad and tells him what his brother said. The dad says," ok, Now hypothetically we have 3 million dollars but realistically we have two whores and a queer

Answer 3

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Answer 4

working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back. what have I done ? he wondered. how can I bting back my family? Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. he explained the situation abd his family was whisked off to surgery. Hours later the surgeon emerged." how are they?" the magician asked . "comfortable"

Answer 5

there was a little jewish boy who was failing maths. His parents tried everything but there was no improvement. Finally they sent him to a private Catholic school. After his first day at school he went straight into his room to study, only coming out to eat. He did this every day until his first report card came. His parents were shocked to see a red A next to the subject maths.
"Was it the nuns that did it?' asked his father
"No"
"The tutoring?The textbooks?"asked his mother.
"No"
"The curriculum?"
"No" he said." On the first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant bussiness."

Answer 6

ok there was this couple who had 6 kids and they were waiting at the bus stop waiting for the public bus. While they were waiting a blind mans come and waits for the bus too. So when the bus comes the wife says to her husband "theres only room enough for 7 people" so the husband let his wife and kids go while he waited with the bilnd man. While they were waiting the blind man starts tapping his blind stick. Well the man gets anoyed by that and he tells him, "why dont u put something plastic or rubber on ur stick so it doesnt make so much noise?" well the blind man says, "well maybe if u put some "rubber or plastic" at the end of your stick maybe we would both be on the bus!"

Answer 7

There was this old couple, and the wife was driving her husband down the street one day at about 40 mph. Out of the blue, he told her, "I'm having an affair and I want a divorce." His wife said nothing, but increased her speed to 60 mph. Then he added, "I want the house, and our pets." Again she said nothing but increased her speed, this time to 80 mph. Her husband also added, "And I want the credit cards and our cars." For the 3rd time, the wife said nothing but increased her speed again. Now, they were going 100 mph.. The man asked, "Why are you so calm about this? I'm taking everything, and you have nothing." Finally the wife replied with a smile on her face, just as they were about to crash..

"I have the airbag." :)

Answer 8

"Definitely"
A Nursery school teacher says to her class,"Who can use the word 'Definitely" in a sentence?"
First a little girl says,"The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says,"Sorry,Amy,but the sky can be gray, or blue, or orange."
The second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"Okay. Then I DEFINITELY **** my pants."

Answer 9

one day a little native kid goes up to his mom and asks:
Boy: Mom, why was my sister named cornfeild?
Mom: well..because she was conceived in a cornfeild
Boy: Oh.. okay...why was my brother named moonchild
Mom: because he was conceived during a full moon
Boy: okay..
Mom: Now tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious??

Answer 10

SON=MOMMY CAN I TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU
MOM=SURE BUT DONT LOOK UP AND DONT LOOK DOWN\
the little boy looks up
SON=MOM WHAT ARE THOSE?
MOM=THOSE ARE MY HEADLIGHTS
son looks down
SON=MOM WHAT IS THAT
MOM=THAT IS MY GRASS
afterwards...
SON=DADDY CAN I TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU?
DAD=SURE BUT DONT LOOK DOWN
son looks down
SON=DADDY WHAT IS THAT
DAD= THAT IS MY SNAKE
later that night the little boy wakes up in alarm...
SON= MOMMY TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.... THERE'S A SNAKE IN YOUR GRASS!