How do I tell my parents I know I have siblings they've kept from me?

Question

I haven't spoken to my bio dad in 7yrs. Thanx to the internet I found an adult brother (20) I knew I had all along. Keep in mind, I too am an adult. He,nor his sis knew they had other siblings. After contacting him via e-mail and we talked on the phone, he told our dad (our dad didn't raise me, but did him) that he knew. Then, my bro told our 14yr old sister that he grew up with! She called me and e-mailed, now we talk on a daily basis (it's been 2wks). They still have not told our dad, nor their mom that she now knows and on top of that there are 4 more siblings! He is an adult, so when we meet it is not their business. But her and I have really bonded the last couple of weeks, she's taken it very well and is excited to have a big sis she always wished for! How do we tell our bio dad and her mom so we can meet and talk without hiding it? Her mom has always been very bitter about our dads past and has hid everything trying to pretend it didn't exist. Why do they insist on punishing us?

Thanks to all of your quick responsed. I am already feeling better. I have to get up the nerve to call him for my sis. She is just too scared to do it herself and our brother, well he just hasn't. I told them I would never speak ill of our dad b/c what's important is our sibling relationship and whatever he does is his cross to bear, not ours. Bitterness helps no one, so I don't hold that at all. It's just not me.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry to hear about this, but count your blessings that you have discovered your siblings sooner than later in life. I'll never understand the reasoning of parent's who want to hide the past.

As for your half-sis's Mom knowing about her talking to you, tread very carefully there. That is her Mother and she is still under 18 and she can choose to prevent you from having any contact with her at all. The fact she's bitter about your Dad's past and that you haven't spoken with your biological father in 7 years screams volumes at the control she has.

My advice, don't push the issue with her Mom. I would leave this to your half-brother and half-sister if you had to bring it out in the open which leaves to my main advice. While I don't agree with secrecy, it may be less grief if you all just kept in touch without bringing it into the open yet. Since your relationship with them is still relatively new/fresh I would spend some time getting to know them and getting comfortable before putting this out in the open and bringing tons of drama/stress on your new relational ties..

Their Mom and your bio Dad could be very angry that you are involving yourself in that family and may take it as interference. Your biological father made his choice by allowing the lies and secrecy to perpetuate and he hasn't bothered to keep in touch with his own daughter. You say your half-bro already told your bio dad about it, well what did your bio dad have to say about it?

My father had 2 sons with a woman he never married. I lived for several years with my father, this woman and my two little half-brothers. There is a 12 & 14 year age gap between us and so I was basically another mother figure in their lives and was extremely close with them. A few years down the road this woman separated from my father and started dating this new man who did not allow me to have any contact with my brothers. For 5 years I was not allowed to have any contact with my half-brothers and it broke my heart and I was so afraid that they would move out of state and they'd be lost to me forever.

Finally the older one got in touch with me when he turned 16 and for a long time we had to go through great lengths to keep it secret. But we did that for his sake because he still lived at home and he would be the one to deal with crap in the event his parents found out. Eventually they did and a big blow up happened and they tried harder to keep us from each other, but being a 16 year old he really stood his ground and they eventually backed off.

These hiding biological family type parents will always do what they want and hide behind that it is what's "best" for their children. The problem with these types of parents? They need to stop thinking about themselves first.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I think you should tell your mom, because it's the right thing to do. If you don't, your mother's bound to find out sooner or later, and not only will your sister will get in trouble, but you'll get in trouble too for keeping it from her. She'll be even more hurt if finds out that you didn't tell her. I suggest you sit down with your mom in a quiet place where you both won't get interuppted, and explain the whole situation to her. Yeah, you'll be ratting your sister out, but you can't always cover for her, can you? This way, she'll be able to realize what she's done is wrong, learn from her mistakes and maybe even grow up.

Answer 3

You already know how negatively secrets can affect you and your family. Perhaps now is the time for you and your siblings to introduce honesty into your family relationships.

You stated that your 20-year-old brother has already told your dad about you; he may also be able to tell him about all the siblings. You and your siblings need to come up with a plan so that everyone in this family knows what everyone else knows - but please make certain that the knowledge is based on truth, not rumor.

As for the mother of your younger sister, she will react however she reacts; you cannot control that. All you can control is your own reactions - and your strength may help everyone work through whatever comes.

As for the "punishing us" portion of your question, you'd have to agree to be "punished" in order for that to work.

You can accomplish these changes - and I wish you and your siblings all good things. How fortunate you are to have found each other!

Answer 4

I understand that this must be very tough for you, but I would talk to him. Just tell your dad that your brother told you about his sister and you want the opportunity to be a part of her life. Be honest about the other 4 siblings as well. If he knows that you know everything and are okay with it, maybe he will give you information to help you find your other siblings. It may take a bit for your brother and sister's mom to come around, but if your father is aware of your interest and intentions, well, honesty is the best policy. Having said that, it is important that regardless of how you feel or what he says, don't lose your temper with him, or their mother. It won't do much good for anyone and could cost you a relationship with your 14 year old sister. Good luck!

Answer 5

Somehow I don't believe that they are intentionally trying to punish you, rather they may be trying to protect their past. Your an adult so should be comfortable enough to sit down with these parents and inform them of your discovery and ask that they please be honest with you. I know of a good friend of mine who had a child at 16 years old and gave her up for adoption. Much like yourself her daughter found this girl by mistake and they put two and two together and found out they were related. These young ladies are now best friends and the younger daughter, age 25, is going to stand up as maid of honour at the her sister's wedding. Her, the natural mother and the step-parents have met and are quite friendly with each other. When my friend told my fiance and I this story their was not a dry eye around as we were all so very happy for all involved. This is only one happy ending and I'm certain there are millions of others nowadays and hopefully you too will be one of these stories yourself. But be brave enough to inform your folks that you have gained the knowledge of their past and are not being judgmental but merely want to know the truth and get to know these siblings. Best of luck to you and yours.

Answer 6

i think it's grat that you all are finding and getting to know one another. it's not your fault that the "parents" are behaving like the children. just be thankful it turned out well for you. my twin sister was presented with same situation at my uncles funeral where she met some younger siblings and guess what they didn't know a/b us and well they reacted badly to the whole situation and want nothing to do w/us which is cool. we did hook up w/ a sister whose just under us and we have a great relationship. so i wish you the best and hope both your dad and stepmonster growup.

Answer 7

I've found that it is usually just best to confront things head on. Call your bio dad and tell him exactly what is going on and how you feel.
He has no right to act like you don't exist. You have feelings and a right to express them.
God bless you and your family!

Answer 8

YOUR AN ADULT CAPABLE OF MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS. I would sit your family down & tell them what you have learned . Explain to them that you love them very much but, this is something you feel you need to look into further. And you have to do what makes you happy.

Answer 9

this is very hard. i found out something similar. my father always told me he was an orphan i found my fathers side of the family six years ago. he didnt like it but me and my brothers didnt care. we wanted that relationship. last febuary right after my dad b-day. his mom died. he came to funeral and reconected with his family and he then told us thank you for finding them. family is important. some people get mad and hold grudges for to long. i went six years without talking to my dad about it. but our relationship didnt change. now. he has made several trips to visit with his father. grandpa has called me several times and to thank me for finding the family. cause he got his grand kids and found his son. it will be chaos at first. hopefully it wont take a death like with mine to bring everything full circle. but it will happen. you just have to keep trying. make sure u tell them its not to hurt anyones feelings. they might have problems but you and your family dont. dont let things that happened that have nothing to do with you effect your relationship with your sibblings.

Answer 10

Gee what a sad affair, I don't think I have the insight or judgement to offer you help, sorry. Good luck.xx