why dont my children listen to me?

Question

I am constantly repeating myself to my 15 and 10 yr old sons I have sat them down an spoken to them about this told them Im fed up repeating myself asked them what its going to take to get through to them even asked if the have hearing or memory problems to which they say no so is it just disrespect for me then I asked like oh here she goes again yeh ok you finished we will just do as we please now they say no to this also... Im a widow and do my best with them they are good well mannered and disciplined boys how do I get my point across Ive told them Im not saying things just to get on their backs all I ask is when your asked to do something do it dont say in a minute or I will then 3 days later its still not done how would they like it if I did it to them any suggestions

Answer 1

There are obviously many dynamics going on here & I hope that with your spouses passing on there has been some professional support services that you have tapped.

For the immediate scenerio of having them accomplish your request without delay, I would suggest the following. Make sure that with boys you are not stringing a number of requests together.

Example : If their bathroom is what needs immediate attention, Do Not make other requests to take out the trash, and feed the dog.

Focus on just the bathroom.

When you ask for them to attend to the bathroom. Stand in there presence for a moment. If they do not respond, let them know it is something you want done now. If needed then you turn off the television / video game ( don't tell them, just do it) and then supervise.

It will be difficult at first, but as you develop a pattern of indicating how you want things done, they will actually enjoy being able to follow the standard.

for continued results I suggest showing them an example of how the bathroom is to be.... & if they keep it to that example there will not be a need for you to have to interupt the video games for them to correct it.

Answer 2

They don't listen because they are children and they don't want to be told what to do. I feel like I repeat myself to my kids all the time. They are 9 and 17. I am going to start something new shortly. I've bought them both monthly planners and I'm going to write what chore I want accomplished on each date. I will ask to see the calendar daily and if things aren't completed I will make them do it before they are allowed to do anything else. I will sign off on it when the chore is completed. I don't know if this will work but it's worth a try...being that I've tried so many things. And I am divorced and have my kids 3/4 of the time so I do understand how hard it can be raising kids with little to no help.

Answer 3

They hear you the first time, but they have learned that there are no consequences to ignoring you! They then tune you out, because you have asked them to do something they don't feel like doing at the moment.
But they heard you the first time; don't believe the bull that they didn't.
You must STOP, immediately, repeating yourself. NOW, no more! Decide on a consequence for disobedience; something that will hurt immediately. Tell them in advance what those consequences will be ( don't be surprised if they snikker- they know you all too well!), and next time, come down hard and swiftly. DO NOT WAVER!

These kids would be diagnosed as having Adult Oppositional Behavior Disorder. But it's not them who have the problem. They are normal kids. It's YOUR inability to punish disobedience that is the problem.
Your kids will NOT hate you for this. Trust me. ( Just don't go overboard and get cruel, which I don't think will be a problem with you.)

Answer 4

Please keep in mind that they are trying to gather their own identities. At 10 and 15, they are trying to find out who they are, and these are very rebellious ages (all the way up to about 16-17. At least I was!)

If they don't do the things you ask them right away, tell them if they don't do it now, that you are going to ground them, then if they still don't, make sure you follow through. Don't say you'll do something and then not do it. Be sure to always follow through.

I was the same way they were when I was younger also, so I definitely understand both sides. They also have a lot of things on their minds. Being that age is always hard.. If you are not, try and be more involved in their lives.

Answer 5

Rewards and/or Allowances... can you motivate them this way.
Alternate chores on a calender t/b check off by end of day. Same chores for each boy just different days and they will get on each other to be responsible.
eg. 10yr old dishes M, T, Trash, W, Thr make beds Sun-Mon
15yr old trash M, T, Dish W, Thr make beds Sun-Mon
Wash car, Carry-in groceries etc. Team effort for extra reward. (( reward tokens/tickets collect rewards then cash in for something special. 5 reward tick, video rental,10 reward ticks Movie out Mom pays. )) Reward tickets may also be defaulted if chores not done.

Contracts! I recall reading something once about an agreement made between teens and parents. You may want to see if these might work for your guys.

Search the web: Contracts or Allowances for children.

Answer 6

Well you should just start grouding them or taking things away from them..
those are the worst punishments for me, i am
a teen so i know.. You should step up even
if they get mad at you, or say that they hate you..
Being a widow is one of the hardest jobs, and
i respect you for that. You probably have to work,
and on top of that boys are alot of work! What
my mom did/does is she will tell me to clean my
room, and if i dont she goes in it and takes away my
stereo or my t.v. then she says as soon as your room
is clean, you will get it back .. If you kids dont care about
theyre radio or tv, pick something that they really like alot,
because that will motivate them. If they do this again take
something out of theyre room (again) and tell them that this
time you will keep it an extra week after theryre done cleaining theyre room, and if they decide not to clean it for a month, dont cave in and give it to them. Make sure when you are talking to them you make them look you in the eyes, you can say something like "I am your mom, look me in the eyes. I deserve respect". If they laugh at things you tell them to do, tell them that they are grounded for a week, mabey more or less (depeding on how important that chore/behavior issue was to you.

rewards*- and if you tell them to clean theyre room, and they go up and clean it with no problem offer them something, it could be as little as 10 dollars or a movie with there friends. Mabey you can even establish a chore chart and pay them per week, mabey 10 dollars. The 15 year old you should be able to tell him that sometimes you get over whelmed or sometimes you need him to help you out by cleaning up after himself. Also tell him that in a while he is going to want a car, then hes going to college, or moving out, tell him that you are just tying to prepare him for the real world. He isnt going to have you be able to follow him around and picking up his trash, and he needs to understand your authority.. Now the 10 year old may be a little easie since he is not in the adolcesnece(forgive my spelling) stage of life..
Good Luck! =)

Answer 7

Quit letting them say "in a minute" tell them do it now. If you ask for something to be done and they dont do it then punish them -gorunding works good. My Father had a way of punishing that worked and no one got hurt. He once asked my brother to take the garbage out before he went to school, well he forgot and didnt do it, when he came home he saw the garbage can was empty and thought someone else had done it for him. Then he went to his room to find the garbage sitting on his bed waiting for him.
Sometimes you have to get creative to get thru to them!!!

Answer 8

Is this all one sentence or what........
Please use the proper grammar and sentence structure.
From what I understand, it appears your problem has been going on for some time now. The problem is - you aren't stern enough and you back down from them. They know you won't go thru with your threats so they so do what ever they want. You need to learn to be the parent, be stern, be strict and don't back down from them.
Start by taking privileges away from them until they know you mean business and you finally get their attention.

Answer 9

you're attempting to get by using to her all she hears is whining after a on an identical time as.You sound abit over protective 'newborn'..ok i understand shes your infant yet shes a youngster now dont attempt & end her from doing what she needs she would be able to revolt,and you need to in all risk permit her circulate to social gathering's yet instruct her approximately secure intercourse and everyting and positioned a functional curfew of approximately 11:00. How previous is she?why might she get harm?tell her you need to understand precisely have been she's going & who with.

Answer 10

Well I will give you my g.f's boys.
Then you will have the same problem and not so well mannered.
Okay, at that age KIDS NEED TO BE REMINDED ALOT.
But ya know it sounds like HOME...
Exception...When my G.F. asks her 14 year old to do something, he either says, in a minute, or I will later, or F you You F---ing B*tch...Go to H*LL, F*ck You...Go AWAy...YOUR BOTHERING Me...Shut up!!! Shut the F up...etc, etc..
So give them constant reminders, take away priveleges if they do not do it...Our Counselor says it is okay if THEY DO WHAT YOU ASK even if it ia at like 12am.
As long as they do it.
Which I am not so sure I agree with
Be happy your boys are not telling you to "F" off when these situations occur.
We just had "one of these rounds", within the last hour...
Dear God, Help us all...
DJH