hi y'all. my brother recently wrote an essay on planes and the significance of the airfoil angle.
his teacher says this first sentence is awkward. Can you edit it for me to make it sound better?
Flight: What is one of mankind’s greatest achievements has had many changes, including cosmetic and internal modifications. It has transformed from the Wright brother’s plane at Kitty Hawk to today’s modern jet fighters and massive commercial airliners. These days, many engineers strive to increase the overall efficiency of planes in numerous ways, such as aerodynamics or.....................
2007-01-16 03:38:14 · 5 answers · asked by legendaryfrog 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
Get rid of the colon and the word what. Then add the word 'and' so you don't have two verbs in the same simple sentence. I also like using 'seen' or 'undergone' instead of had.
Flight is one of mankind's greates achievements, and has seen many changes. . .
Also consider breaking into two sentences--greatest acheivements. Since man took to the skies, flight has seen many changes . . .
2007-01-16 03:44:13 · answer #1 · answered by wayfaroutthere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One of mankind’s greatest achievements, the airfoil, has had many changes, including those both cosmetic and structural. It has been transformed from the simple curve of the Wright brother’s plane at Kitty Hawk to today’s sleek modern jet fighter wings and the complexities of modern commercial airliner surfaces. These days, many engineers strive to increase the overall efficiency of planes in numerous ways, through aerodynamics or...............
2007-01-16 11:48:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree it's a run-on sentence as well as paragraph.
It should say something like: One of mankind's greatest achievements that has affected the way we fly, is.....
From the maiden flight of Kitty Hawk to today's modern jet fighters, and commerical airliners, modifications to these planes have included ......
These days engineers strive to increase the overall efficiency of planes in numerous ways. Some of these ways include aerodynamics, ............, and ..............
And then just elaborate from there. Good Luck !
2007-01-16 11:51:43 · answer #3 · answered by Big Bear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Flight, one of mankind's greatest achievements, has undergone many changes, which include.........I'm not sure about the next bit as I don't know anything about the subject so not sure if "cosmetic and internal modifications" is potentially technical jargon which shouldn't be changed.
But that's all I'd change about the beginning of the sentence. I can see why the teacher thought it was awkard. A sentence shouldn't really start with "What is...." unless it ends with a question mark.
2007-01-16 11:47:45 · answer #4 · answered by emsr2d2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would just cahnge Flight: What is....
to
Flight is one of....
Its a creative introductory but it is confusing at first read the rest looks good to me
2007-01-16 11:43:22 · answer #5 · answered by Courtney C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋