To women who are survivors of rape and violence?

Question

I asked this question before, but I am looking for as many answers as I can get...thanks!

I'm really struggling with moving on. I am in therapy, individual, and group. I also take medication, but I'm still having a hard time. How do you or did you get past the feelings of being inferior and unloveable? It's been 2 years, and I have come a long way. I guess my biggest problem is that I met someone, and fell in love. I really messed things up because I couldn't trust his love for me, and I pushed him away. He is the first man since this happened that I am not scared of physically. We are going to try being friends and see what happens, but I'm not sure how that will work.

Answer 1

I am 47 and suffered through abuse and violence from my mother. I was beat and abused in ways unspeakable,belittled made to feel inferior, so there was verbal abuse too. Then at the age of 16 I was raped by a young man who I thought was my friend,he actually beat my head aside a boulder because I was fighting back so for fear of being killed I submitted. I never reported any of this because I felt I deserved it somehow. I have been married going on 29 years to a wonderful man who has suffered a great deal. I tried for years to sabatoge our relationship because I felt unworthy of his love but inspite of it all and through the Grace of God we're still together. But it all finally came out 2 yrs ago, I finally confided everything that had happened to me in him. I had to, I had hurt him so bad through the years ,over others hurting me I felt I finally owed him the truth and someone had finally loved me all this time inspite of myself. I still have nightmares and I have forgiven those that had abused me. The young man who had raped me end up getting shot to death. Believe it or not I really felt bad that he died that way at the age of 40 leaving a wife and children alone and of course they never knew what he did to me. His wife and I were actually friends in high school. My Dad passed in 2005 and my mother now lives with me, lifes really strange and of course I've finally forgiven her and she has apologized to me for all that she had done to me but the scars are still there and some days they still ache. So now I pray often and I let my husband love me and of course I love him more then he'll ever know because I'm still not capable of really showing my feelings too much for the great fear of feeling pain because in my mind it is the ones that proclaim they love you that really hurt you bad. I think you are on the right track. I should of come forward sooner and got some help. As far as this man you have met, you're doing the right thing be his friend first till you can trust yourself to fully let go and love again the right way and you are capable of being loved yourself. HERE'S TO LIFE'S JOURNEY, MAY THE SKIES BE BLUE AND THE SUN SHINE DOWN ON YOU FOR THE REST OF THE JOURNEY!!!

Answer 2

I have been raped and know what you are going through. It is very hard to deal with and meeting someone new makes it even more difficult. I hope that you have been honest with this person. I know it isn't easy. All you can do is keep in therapy until you are able to deal with all the issues that go along with it. It took me almost 20 years to get over the feelings of inadequacy that I had. However, I also didn't get help for almost 10 years. I am just now starting to get my confidence back and start anew. As for pushing him away, it is okay, take it slowly and you WILL get through this. Maybe his friendship will be just what you need. He cares for you alot or he wouldn't be there. I wish I could give you a hug and let you know it will be okay. It is hard to get over, but you will do it. The trust issue will take some time just remember that there are good people out there and I think you have found one.None of it is your fault, stay with the therapy because it does help. Take care of you and God Bless.

Answer 3

Its not you that's inferior and unlovable, its your assailant. All you did was exist. I intended to exist then and now no matter what happened. I could never give my life over to fear, but I was more careful of who I let in. I suppose at heart I was a tough old bird even when I was young. Trusting someone is done if you love them, I wouldn't let anyone take that away from me. I didn't want friendship, if that's where you are right now, then you need more time to heal, but its possible you need to heal by jumping in the pool rather than by dipping in your toe. Loving, consensual sex and rape aren't the same thing by any standards, so maybe its time to stop pushing and start letting life back in.
Especially if there is a nice guy already there.

Answer 4

As long as you are in therapy, whichever way, individual and group; as long as you take medication; as long as you feel inferior and unloveable; as long as you fall in love and then mess up things because you do not trust; as long as you keep living in the past:: you are fighting with only yourself. Now look at the bright side. You have about 1 lakh friends to talk to you over the net; at least 1% are inclined to answer each query of yours; give you a shoulder to cry on; give you a hug over the net if you choose; cry with you if you want: But why cry. The past has long gone. The future is only before you. (Omar Khayyam-I dont remember the exact words). So stop struggling and start moving on. But, But, But, just stop a moment and think. Plan your future in this singular moment and when you do step out, step out boldly. Dont look back. Dont expect miracles but miracles do happen. From today you are a new person. Take control of your life. Everything will work out henceforth;; take it for granted and work towards it. I know I am not directly answering your question but the past is always meaningless when there is a future ahead.

Answer 5

Probably I'm not the one who can give the best answer, cause Im still in the relation, ( in the bad one ).
one fear why I dont leave him is because I may will feel the way you feeling , then meet some and not be able to really enjoy the relation.
I think with this one or a new one I will feel the same so thats why I dont do anything.
This year it was like having a new man he changed complete he stop slaping my face, or squizzing my arms etc.
I was in medication for a couple months and I felt dizzy, not focussing, for a moment made me forget what my husband did to me, at the same time he stop too. it was a good start I got a job that I love, so it was great, I stop taking the medecine , do you know what I mean? the job and my new husband were my medecine, I stop taking slowly.Talk to your therapist about the option stop taking the medecine.
I took bible classes too , that helped me a lot.
Go to the gym enjoy your life, eat healthy, not focuss in your present relation, now you said you will try to be a friends sounds great to me , how sweet must be him to stay next to you on this moments that you are going to transition,
again enjoy your self , go out do shopping, buy for your self something pretty, you have to your self so keep it :)

Answer 6

Hi! I'm really sorry this happened to you :( Big hug!

It does take time to heal. It took courage to post this question for all to answer.

Just go with your instincts. Be comfortable with whatever you're doing in every way. Sometimes, it's really hard to see what you have without remembering the past.
Ask your friend to be there for you, and if it's right - you'll eventually know. Don't beat yourself for it if you're not sure, or not ready. There is no set time for when you 'should' be ok to be in a r'ship.

In the meantime, be good to yourself. Do something positive for yourself every day. Make each day a brand new day. Keep a journal. I'm so happy that you're talking to a group and are in therapy.

It's hard not to feel guilty (even though you shouldNOT), but do things that will make you proud of yourself. Channel your energy into something productive, and reflect on it.

Meditation and yoga are wonderful as well.

Just breathe my friend.. and email me if you want to talk.

Take care.

Answer 7

OK number one you are not inferior the one who done it to you is i went through 11 years (3-14) of the **** and I'm pretty good i mean s still have a few issues but all it takes is realizing that what happened happened and there's nothing you can do about it but get over it and don't dwell on it if you do it'll consume you get out with some friends and have fun don't let it bother you because if you do then he got what he wanted to **** you and your life up
don't let him win just know you are not alone u can email me if you want to talk anytime alright

Answer 8

I was not raped, but I was a victim of every other abuse/violence by the hands of a man.

I admire your courage, and for actively seeking help for yourself. For not letting this thing beat you down.

In a nutshell~ if this man is as kind and loving as you say, then he will be patient and give you the time you need. For you to trust will take longer than the average pampered princess, and that is ok.

Be friends, enjoy life and have wonderful experiences together. Observe him with his friends and family~ watch how he treats a waitress.

All the best to you, from one survivor to another.

Answer 9

Just pretend what happened before was exotic and you liked it. That will trick your mind even though you don't feel it. This might help aid you in moving on. BTW, hope the guy gets what he deserve.
Believe in yourself, not everyone are as bad as this rapist. This person maybe the greatest thing for you.
I know I am not a woman or anyone that was raped, maybe I wouldn't mind a pretty girl raping but, that's besides the point. But I do hope you can get past this.
Take care, hope you seek the answers you wish.

Answer 10

get lots of therapy. try couples' counseling. take a day to talk to him alone... and just spend time together with no one or anything else in the picture, just pouring your hearts out to eachother. you have to realize that bad things happen to good people sometimes. you just have to forget