What to do? Stay or go?

Question

I am 28 years old and I have been dating a man for 2.5 years and really love him. We have known each other for about six years and our mothers are friends. I moved in with him after two months of dating. I now would like a greater committment from him as I want to get married and have a family, however it is always me who brings up "long-term" conversations, plans vacations together etc. He will happily plan trips with his friends but not anything alone with me (we've gone on many trips with family and/or friends). I bring up these two issues because they are beginning to really bother me and I am thinking that he's not that serious about our relationship and I'm considering moving out. I don't want to break up, just get some space and reassess. My question is a) is this a good idea and b) will it work? I do not want to do this as an ultimatum, I'm just very confused about his strong need to be with friends and not plan anything, let alone a future, with me.

Answer 1

Maybe the talk of marriage is what is scaring him. Maybe it would do you good to move out and go from there.

Answer 2

Consider yourself lucky to be noticing this and asking questions BEFORE you get married. There are some important red flags here and think about this:

Even if you persuaded him to think about making a commitment and he then asked you to marry him, will it be the kind of marriage you hoped for? What is the likelihood that he will just go back to hanging out with his friends all the time after you get married?

Marriage doesn't fundamentally change people. It's pretty much what you see now is what you get. I know what I'm talking about!

Now, when he realizes that you are seriously considering breaking from this relationship, if he really cares for you it might inject him with some reality and he may try really hard to change for you. That would be a good thing. You're just going to have to read what he's telling you as you go along and take it for what it's worth.

This isn't an ultimatum--this is you planning your life and you only get this one life, sweetie. Make the best decisions for yourself!

Answer 3

If you've been with him for over 2 years and nothings happened yet that may be a sign. The right guy will want to be with you and make that commitment.

It's kind of like your living the married life already, so I don't know if getting married is going to magically solve your problem. He should want to be with you alone sometimes and also go out in groups. I would probally move out if I were you, this is hard because you love him, but do you want to waste the next 2+ years with no change?

He just may not want the same things you do. I hope you get him to talk to you and you can make the decision, even if it's not easy. Good Luck

Answer 4

Given your age and the situation, I can't imagine how he wouldn't expect for you to start thinking long term and I can't imagine how you could possibly not be bothered with his lack of mutual feeling there. However, some guys just tend to feel like "I'm not going anywhere. Just don't lock me in." So while I can understand that it may seem unfair to you for him to not make that commitment, chances are, he's not going anywhere, even if he doesn't make that commitment and if you pressure him into it, he'll likely resent you for it. My experiences have also taught me that if you were to move on, it wouldn't take long for him to feel a lot like people do on Deal or No Deal when they open a big case and that offer goes way down and that last offer looks real good. You know what I mean?

Also, I am a firm believer that once a relationship starts to move backwards (in your case, from moving in to moving back out) that is the direction it goes in until it is gone, so I wouldn't recommend doing it until you are ready to face the possibility of your relationship ending.

The course I would advise you take is to stick it out with him and let him know that his lack of willingness to commit is making you think that maybe you're wasting your time and sooner or later he's gonna have to make a decision. Even though he might resent you for it, if you aren't happy with the relationship, it doesn't really matter. It will come to an end if things don't change. He deserves to know that he can stop that.

Answer 5

First of all ... my wife and I have been married for 18 years and we still do not plan trips alone. Its more fun with a group.

Second .. getting space is a good idea. Don't make any ultimatums just tell him that is bothers you that he has not made a commitment with you and that you need some space to think, but be prepared for him to not come after you.

Third .. why are you so hung up on marriage? Why can't you just have fun with life and enjoy it. Where is it written that we have to get married to enjoy life?

Answer 6

a) it is a good idea.
b) work in what way? it could go either way, i suppose. with you gone, he may realize that he does like his friends more, or he might miss you.
it should be a good move for you, tho'. if you're at the point in your life that you require a real commitment, then it may be best to consider finding someone new. not to cast aspersions, but some people will never make a commitment, and 2 and 1/2 years is more than enough time to decide.

Answer 7

I think you are right by moving out and reassessing this situation.
My heart goes out to you. Do what is right for you. He will follow or not. You can't control that. Two months was too soon, The lessons we learn the hard way aren't fun. I'd really like to know how this turns out. We can all learn from you. Good luck lady!

Answer 8

your first mistake was to move in with him. it might work for some people, but not all. You sound like a convenience to him, not necessarily bad, but not exactly good and we want you to have the best. So, just make a decision on your own to move out but continue dating. You not being readily accessible to him may trigger thoughts of wanting to or having to make plans to be in your presence and to have that quality time with you that he can't get at a drop of a hat like he did while living with you. You may even find that you like living apart and find new interests. You might not want to hear that but it's true. Just try it. You are certainly mature in not wanting to make it an ultimatum issue, that's why I suggested you move out without waiting on him to comment, bu do so nicely and just let him know you need time to think abotu what you want and that you would still like to continue to date. email me if you want any more advice on this. I see your situation turning out favorable if you take my advice. Best wishes and be blessed!

Answer 9

stay. i love you to stay, CareBears have a very high-quality azzes. do not understand if i'm a perv or not. yet i love CareBear butts. yet you're also a good questioner and answerer, humorous and performance attractive avatar. besides the actual incontrovertible fact that you would possibly want to educate to be a guy contained in the basement. or a lady in an place of work cubicle. Edit: "The an" is a ideal grammar, yet I wronged it.

Answer 10

Let me start off by saying that it sound's like you clearly know what you want out of this relationship.I don't think that moving out is the answer if what you ultimately want to achieve with this man is marriage.Marriage is all about trust,respect,honesty and committment.You need to sit down and have a serious adult conversation with him explain to him your feeling's and your goals if the two of you are not willing to compromise then I would say that he is not the one for you.Good luck to you.

Answer 11

Take a break.

If you love something then let it go. If it returns to you then it's yours forever. If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

The time when you're away from him will either make him realise he needs you and that he needs to commit to you in order to keep you, or make him realise that it isn't meant to be. It'll be hard to take if thats the case but do you really want to spend the next few years waiting for commitment that may never come?