please help, what you you do, i feel totally out my depth?

Question

i married when i was 19, im now 21.me and my husband have a 4 month old baby boy. in our marraige he has being controlling, possesive,has a terrible temper.he made it hell for me throughout my pregnancy,i have felt crushed and trapped.i know i made a mistake.i feel i have changed since i was 19 and this is not the sort of man i would go for now. 'bad boys'.i married too soon and ive tried everything to make it work,gave him chance after chance.he read my diary and goes through all my personal things.even though i have not cheated he accuses me.he does things then throws it back in my face to drill it onto me how 'lucky' i am to have him.im so unhappy.when we argue it has started getting violent on both our parts,i have built up bitterness and pain.he is a great dad and the child never hears any of this.he is fine when things are going his way. the problem,i have met someone else. he is kind, makes me laugh,its a diffrent life when i'm with him.please has someone else been through this

Answer 1

Get out right now while your baby is still young enough not to be hurt by the situation, if you have nowhere to go, get to a safety house for women fleeing domestic violence, get a restraining order and be with someone safe at all times, go now and never look back. Do not accept apologies or promises of a better future, if he abused you once he will never stop. Don't end up like me, get out NOW!!! Go to a friends or family, pack your bags and go when he is not at home. I mean it, truly. Because you do not want to stay with this man being beaten and disrespected. And whatever you do, do not let him find out that there is someone else. My thoughts are with you, praying for your safety.

Answer 2

Here you go. You feel crushed and trapped. He is SO controlling.
He accuses you of cheating but you have not.
Oh and by the way there IS this other guy though.

Darlin', truth of the matter is that you bailed out mentally a long time ago. Don't you think he konws this. One of the big problems with marrying young is not knowing how to deal with life at an adult level. It sounds like husband is reacting at a high school level because that is all he knows. You are most definately acting that way. The problem here is you have a kid together. You are forever tie to this guy. There is no escape from that now as you've had his child.
It is long since past time for you to figure out how to make this marriage work. From this post it seems you have not done any thing to help that. You have a 4 month old. That tells me your life and body have been in a year long termoil. Do not make life choices based upon pregnancy feelings because they are not real. If you think you are all back to normal now you are mistaken.
Ever heard of postpartum depression? It can last for a while afterward.
You have not had sex with this guy but the signs are there. Thus the accusations.
Get this guy out of your haed and get to work on your marriage.
If you do not your divorce and all of the bad crap that comes with that will be on you. If you are spending private time with some guy already with a 4 month old you might as well have sex with him because it has not stopped you from infidelity, mentally at least.
Its not sex, its the time you should be spending reestablishing a relationship with a guy who just dealt with you at your worst, pregnant.
Pregnancy is not some mystical joyous occasion it is stressful to all concerned. Get over this and get back to married for a while.

If not you are cheating yourself your child and your husband. Do the work first and find out where it goes.

All the leave him advice here is also crap.Get your head back in your house and away from this "nice guy". There is a lot of immaturity going on here. The concept that leaving with a small child will not affect the kid that much is ridiculous.


What is violent? Loud? Has he ever laid a finger on you? If not do not claim abuse. Black eye, bruises, broken arm now that's abuse.

Answer 3

hi chiki, it must've been tough yes? hope i can give a few words bout it.

1st. the "other guy" factor. it is extremely easy for you to fall to someone who helps you in your situation. so the first question is why do you lik this other guy, is it because you simply look at him as the guy in the right time (when you're having this trouble) where it really helps?, or is it just the same reason why you fell in love with your husband two years ago? bottom line don't use this other guy factor if you want to leave your husband. because if you do, you might ended up in the same situation in a few years.

2nd. find a legal assistance. i dont know where you live, but i hope your country regulates domestic issues, if it does, just file a report bout your husband. this is the simplest way, and yet the hardest way. you have to understand that marriage is indeed a personal issue, but when it involves violences, than there should be a legal interference.
if you still think on how sacred marriage is, and that exposing it is a taboo, then it will be hard to solve this problem. but if you understand how serious this is, then report immediately.

ask your friend to accompany you. or ask your friend to report it for you.

for your sake and your baby

Answer 4

That interview with Jeremy Hunt was a farce played out in full with the answers practised and rehearsed that David Cameron had given him. This guy was smiling and laughing because he either got it right, so was going to get a pat on the head, or because he just doesn't care. He is ok as far as he is concerned. The Kingmaker, Murdoch, will ensure that he and all the rest of the Tories, as long as they toe the line, are ok. To all of them it is a game played called shaft the public. They appear to honestly feel that no matter what they do or who they get into bed with, that anything can be done to stop their runaway train of incompetence, greed and superiority. Seems they are right doesn't it?

Answer 5

Sounds like a pretty rough situation to get out of, but you have to remember that it's easier to do it sooner than later. I was in a similar relationship (about the same length and age as you) - I wasn't married though. He could make me so grateful for the few moments when he wouldn't be edgy or violent. Those few moments were fantastic, but the rest of the time I felt like hell.

You know what you need to do; you just need to be able to do it. Considering that you said both of you have started getting violent, when you do break the news to him make sure your baby is not around and you have told someone that you are about to break it off with him. They need to be on hand if he gets uncontrollable.

As for the relationship that you're starting with another man - you should watch out for that too. You're not exactly in the best mindset to be getting into a relationship at all. It's not really fair to this other man or to yourself. Considering you've been treated pretty horribly by your husband, you need to be careful that you are not using this guy to escape reality and to avoid dealing with the situation at hand. That being said, if you do decide to pursue this other man, make sure you do it slowly and have an honest think about why you want to be with him. I wouldn't advise going any further with that relationship until you've broken things off with your husband.

Answer 6

uv made ur mind up to who u want to b with, the nice kind man ur seeing behind ur husbands back.if ur brave enough to take all the trouble that ur gonna b in if ur husband finds out about this man then u should b brave enough to walk away from ur controlling husband. ur son may not b affected at the moment as he is still young, but if u stay how long will it b b4 ur husband loses it in front of him, dont let this happen it could mar him 4 life. good luck in whatever u decide to do. hope u make the right choice 4 ur sake if not 4 urs think of ur sons.

Answer 7

Say bye get the hell out of there now please if not for you for your son your too young sweety i am 23 and wish i had done so much more with my life you still have time even with a child...
i don want to scare but i have a personal account with a friend who was in the same situation and she a has a child now without a mother cause it only gets worst...you need to take control over your life you cant take account for other peoples demons they are dealing with he obviously has his own issue that are not your problem we all have bad and good sides its part of human nature but we dont deserve to take abuse he is lucky to have you move on get out...i was in a controling relationship i got the hell out once i notice, I love myself way too much..

Answer 8

I was married to my ex for nearly 10 years-he was controlling, bullying,and abusive. My self esteem plummeted-and I completely believed his insults. What jolted me into realizing I didn't have to accept this anymore was when a guy I knew kissed me and confessed he had feelings for me. I was totally shocked,as I had fully come to believe my husband when he said I was fat,ugly,stupid,and nobody would want me. I didn't pursue a relationship with the guy that kissed me-but it did push me to do what I had been wanting to for years. I left my husband. That was 3 1/2 years ago-and my confidence and self respect has returned. I've also been involved in the happiest,most loving relationship I've ever known for the past 2 1/2 years.
So my advice is-Don't accept this abuse. You are clearly unhappy with the situation. It's completely your decision whether or not you leave him-but I'm sure you already know what you want to do. Good luck in your new life!

Answer 9

He feels trapped as well that you have a baby to care for. don't return his violence with violence of your own but instead make a police report, move out and file for divorce. Don't be in a hurry to get into this new relationship too fast though because he looks good now because he is not abusive but once you are free again you may find others as well that make you happy, not to say that this new guy is not right for you, but don't jump too fast from one relationship to another.

Answer 10

Wow your husband sounds like my ex-husband.
Scary......you know deep down what is right, no-one can tell you what to do in this situation but a word of warning.....its scary for men when a woman has a child & they act weird for a while plus us girls have hormonies in us that make us super sensitive, mix them both together you get a bad relationship.


This may sound like a stupid question but...have you told him how you feel, that your scared & had enough...it might just be the shock he needs to get him to turn around his bad boy ways...:o)