Can a 30 yr marriage be saved after infidelity?

Question

My husband (known since age 15) and I are married 30yr-he lost his job just before his 50th b'day...and while unemployed met an affluent younger woman who is well known for 'toying' with married men,,,a new man each season. My spouse became smitten, while I worked OT; thought his behavior was depression vs guilt. 6wks later the woman demanded he leave or he'd she'd tell all---I got the call.He left. He lived w/her...but romanced me claiming it to be a disaster-but I had fallen apart. He did leave (but she assures she threw him out) and return home-I found out for 3 months he was still trying 2 contact her. She now has a new husband, BUT let the air out of my husbands tires 1 nite just 2 have a talk with him. Now I have loved him forever-he does not act like himself since meeting her...he is more toxic 2 me...AND she has pressed Criminal Charges against me 4 harassing her-I was driving home from work-she pulled in front of me & I just continued-& yes I was arrested,he won't come 2 court

Answer 1

Hi there,

You have had so many answers to your question already but I think the answers that people are giving you aren't really that helpful.

My opinion is that yes, I do think that after 30 years of marriage you can salvage this marriage but only if your husband is wanting to do that with you. If he doesn't then there is nothing you can do but to accept that he now wants a different future and one without you as painful as that is.

After losing his job, it is possible that he feels totally dejected and worthless because no longer does he feel that his skills and abilities are worth anything to anyone else and explains why he went chasing after the young woman perhaps?. We will not know why he did what he did and although she did wrong knowing that he was married, your husband still made the decision to have the affair with her even if it were a mistake.

This kind of woman does not sound a very happy kind of person and is someone that will end up very lonely if she continues to behave in the way she does around men and she will get a reputation the longer she chooses to live her life like this. I would say that it is cry for help when people have affairs and have sex with different people and because they are hiding behind other things going on inside of them. In a way, it is liking trying to get power when we feel powerless to change something and it sounds like this woman does what she does because of this.

Anyway, let's forget about her for the moment and focus upon the condition of your marriage that is more important right now. I am pretty sure that your husband has hit what they call a mid-life crisis and this can happen from 40 plus onwards and more so when something comes along to make that happen such as the loss of a job. His confidence will be shattered by this and as he is still fairly young at 50 and still in his working age years, that loss of his job must have been the worst kind of experience he has yet had to ever face.

This does not mean that this excuses his decision to have an affair with the woman he went after nor does it make it acceptable that he goes off to have a love affair. He is a married man and knows right from wrong and the marriage vows he took with you and the importance of them. This will inevitabley cause you to feel betrayed and extremely cheated upon when you have given to him a faithful and committed marriage all throughout. He may or may not want to admit to causing you the kind of pain you feel, but if he does want what is left of the marriage then he will have to make ammends by being very open with you about why he did what he did and if this means that he values and or respects you more?.

If he is being 'toxic' with you then that would indicate to me that he does not feel sorry for what he has done to you and the marriage and also says a lot about the way he does not value nor respect you more. I would say that he is not happy with you and wants to live an independent and seperate life from what you have written and you cannot force him to stay with you if he is going to leave you either to be alone or to be with this woman or another one. This is awful for you and very sad to read, but it sounds like to me that if he does stay in this marriage, he will resent you and treat you badly because he will only be staying out of gratitude and nothing more.

He does not sound like someone you could trust and rely on to provide you with the security and happiness you need and deserve and the fact that even after discovering he was having an affair, he did not stop it and contiuned to lie and cheat just to keep the peace. This man is not deserving of a wife if he isn't prepared to be a husband and a faithful one at that and if you are going to be sympathetic to his cause and not be angry with him or try and leave him, he will continue to treat you in the ways he has already even though he doesn't seem to have a history of cheating on you. There is always a first time!

I would say that the elaborate story he has told you and what you have come to learn about their affair, I would try not to read into the details of what he did and what she did but the fact that they both chose to have the affair regardless. They knew you were married to him and knew the consequences if found out. This did not stop either of them and the affair even after discovering what was taking place. It sounds to me as if your husband does not respect you at all and he cannot blame the loss of his job for what he has done to you and is now being horrid to you for it.

I would be very tempted to divorce him if it were me and because I would want him to respect and value me and to see that I am not going to be treated in this way. If he cares anything about you, he will either want a divorce from you so that he does not hurt you again or to go to heaven and back to make this marriage work and he is doing neither but to blame you and treat you as if you are the problem. If you tolerate your husband's behaviour like you are now, he will abuse your trust again and because he is capable and able of doing that and shows no signs of regret.

If you like yourself enough, I would either get a divorce or make him choose between that or that he works on the marriage and works through his personal issues so that he is dealing with the problems underneath the behaviour. This is not just about infidelity, it is also about your husband who is unhappy with some aspect of himself or his life and he needs to start to look at what those issues are that have caused the infidelity to happen. He has done the affair thing for a reason and that reason is because he wanted to run away from things going on inside of himself and until he stops and faces it head on, he will continue to be unhappy and possibly abuse you and the relationship further.

As for the woman, I would let her do what she wants and what damage she creates to you or your property, she will be the one paying for it not you. Do nothing to react to this woman and get yourself some outside support by joining a victim support group and get some help and advice and support for yourself because no one should have to go through what you are alone. Your husband should be the one having her prosecuted and if she is the one guilty for all that he has accussed her of then he would have no problems getting her arressted or taken to court for her behaviour. Whose side is he on?.

Your husband is meant to be your best friend, ally and everything you would expect him to be in times of crisis and if he is not supporting you but her, then there is something very wrong and he is allowing this woman to frighten you and terrorize you and your home. He has to report her and get her arressted if he has no feelings for her and respects and loves you more. If he is allowing her to do what she is doing by not doing anything about it , then he is not much of a friend let alone a husband and yes, I would get a divorce from this kind of man.

You do not deserve to go through this and if anything is going to work, it will be your strength in getting out of this marriage as soon as you possibly can. I truly feel very awful for you and want to give you pipe-dreams but that would be wrong of me because I have to tell you the truth from the way you have told it. This is no marriage to be proud of and to feel happy and secure in and you cannot make him work at it if he is punishing you for the things he has done wrong to you. He will make you very unhappy over time to come and leave you once again if he has already done it once.

Start to re-build your life again and do the things you would like to have done but haven't because the marriage has taken up so much of your life. Invest in yourself for once and get some self-esteem and confidnce back again. It is never too late to change anything in your life and if your husband sees that you are not going to sit around letting this situation affect you the way it is then the more inclined he will be to want to work at the relationship with you. But bear in mind that once trust has been broken, the harder it will be to restore that no matter what happens from now on.

Just look out for you and leave your husband to figure out what he is going to do and get on with your life and your buisness and if he does want to be with you and is serious enough about it, he will come running once he sees that you are not going to allow it to affect you in the ways it has done. Of course this is painful, but share the tears with someone you know who can listen to you and comfort you or with someone outside of your circle of friends who is neutral. Your husband will start to value you the more absent you become from him and make him work harder at being your friend.

He has to get to know you again and as someone he did when you first met for instance if he is going to see you in the light you want him to. This just means having your own time for yourself and getting to know you again where the marriage has always taken over who you are. You have to want to be an individual in this marriage if it is going to last and he has to see that there are aspects of you that are not all reliable and if he knows that you get upset when he does something bad, do something different to that but make sure it is what you want to do. He has to start treating you with more respect if he wants you and th emarriage to work and he can only do this if you do not allow him to hurt you in the ways he has already.

Sorry this is so long but this is the advice you need and hopefully you will at least find some comfort in what someone has to say. It can work but only if he wants it to and you.

Answer 2

There comes a time in life when people go through transitions of change and life becomes confusing and senseless.
Smitten is the word that seems to fit and it is a very powerful catalyst to destroy the fibres of memory that bind our values and morals and responsibilities with those around us.
Yes! If you are prepared to wait patiently you will be able to eventually determine wether your 30yr investment can be salvaged or not.
His guilt and rejection may well be his greatest obstacle towards reconciliation. He will need to own his deeds.
You have known this man 30yrs...
Only you know the real inner nature of this man.
As a person who loves someone you should go with love and what feels right even if it hurts you.
But be careful.
You also have needs and are under no moral obligation to suffer needlessly.
Treat yourself to lifes pleasures...a hair do, nights out, anything new just for you.
Sometimes it is the wandering that strengthens the bonds of marriage after the moment has passed.

Answer 3

The drama and the dynamics in what you've written are unbelievable! The dog made his bed now he should go somewhere else and sleep in it. He tried the grass on the other side and found out it wasn't greener and came back to the comfortable old shoe that he was familar with. You are playing the game too by reacting to his foolishness ---mid-life crisis hits us all and we all do stupid things, but stooping to criminal actions because of someones' mid-life crisis is absolutly insane.

You did the crime so you'll pay the price for that crime. Now for the husband---while you're visiting the court room have your attorney draw up the papers for a divorce.

Your marriage of 30 years is doomed and in the toilet. To many trusts have been broken and even if he comes tail between his legs you'll never be able to trust him again!

Have some self-respect and self-worth for your self. Life is to short to just settle -----you did that when you were 15------you're in your late 40's now----think for yourself and do something positive in your life. Co-dependency is a hard cycle to break!

Answer 4

Sometimes I feel like a fling would save my sanity. Never had any illusions about it saving my marriage though, I think the guilt would get to me. But if I did it, I wouldn't be telling my husband beforehand so it's not really the same. I think, if you want to play around, just do it, don't try to justify it with all the psychiatric rubbish. Which is what it is, rubbish. NOT having an affair is not going to force someone to commit suicide, that's just crap. And insulting to those who have dealt with suicide and all it's fallout. That's what I think.

Answer 5

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It is a typical enough story: one partner leaves, the other stays. One remains 'in love', the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage' alone.

Answer 6

you know, infidelity is danger.The trust is never there or will be.i am all for being the foundation in a relationship but i also believe what is goos for the goose is good for the gander.find a man on the side for yourself.it helps take the pain away and you never know what might transpire out of it.if you r still at home 2gether, that is what i would do.......in fact that is why i am on this site-looking 4 the same thing u are.

Answer 7

wow. It sounds like a lost cause. It sounds like she is trying to sabotage the relationship that you guys had built for the last 30 years and it isn't working because he isn't willing to give her up (his girlfriend).
Counseling is pretty much the only answer, but if he can so easily run around behind your back like this, maybe you shouldn't waste the time or money on it.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. Good luck..

Answer 8

you need to get some counselling to see if that helps but you also need to tell himn to get out and come back only if he intends to save the marriage. He may be feeling lost since he lost his job but he has to move on and decide what he wants and not let that influence the relationship between the two of you.

Answer 9

OUCH!!! The betrayal of trust is a major issue and you're husband is possibly reacting to stress and depression from the loss of his job, not to mention a mid-life/male menopause crisis. It sounds like all of you are acting like children with no adults left in the room. I highly recommend a good marriage counselor for all four of you. One for his girlfriend and her husband and one for you guys. At least you don't sound as if you need him financially if your life. No, don't go get yourself a boyfriend.

Answer 10

Seek a support system, you need to worry about yourself. Accept his behavior is something you cannot change. While normally I would encourage attempts at reconciliation I do not think that your circumstances permit it by your description.

Answer 11

Wow you've been threw a bit hey.If you want to be with him then you two need serious couple counselling but i think you would benefit moving ahead with your own life.you don't deserve to be treated like this