i feel i have tried to please my husband in bed for several years and have got to the point that i'm just not

Question

interested in sex, we have 3 children and we are always arguing. its got to the point that if it weren't for the children I think I'd leave. Should I stay? i live away from my home town and miss my family, and the thoughts of divorce keep entering my mind, but I'm scared to make the break and upsetting my children. What do I do?

Answer 1

Talk to him,
and if he is a caring guy he will not only listen,
but also understand

but if he is a jerk, the try a trial separation.

Answer 2

How old are your children? If the arguing is terrible then you should think about leaving as kids hate arguments just as much as you do. Maybe as a compromise you should go back to your home town for a few weeks and see how you feel. I know that would be hard when the kids are at school but maybe you can do it during the school holidays. Talk to your family and seek their advice. I was married for 20 years and have 3 kids. I knew I wanted to leave for about 12 of those years but only left when the kids were teenagers. What a relief and a burden off my shoulders. The kids are just fine and I have remarried to a wonderful man and am very happy. Do what you feel but dont spend too many years being unhappy. Good luck!

Answer 3

I think this occurs with many married people. You'd have to be more specific about what you are fighting/arguing about. A woman does not please her husband in bed both parties please eachother. Sex is not for the plesaure of 1 person it is a sharing experience for both. Sex is a wanting to express your love for your spouse. Having 3 children is a full time 24/7 job. I am sure this takes alot out of you and when you hit the sheets your only thought is "sleep". It sounds to me like you and your husband could use some private time together. Get a babysitter for the day. Go get your hair done, get a manicure and pedicure and buy a new outfit (and a pretty nightgown or teddy) . Have your babysitter stay as well for the evening and go out to dinner with your husband. Spend some time with him discussing topics that don't pertain to the children, bills, responsibilities or sex. This will do wonders for you and your husband. Make it a regular weekly thing. Date! Get back to enjoying eachother. Fool around in the car, kiss & hold hands. Also, every week take some time for yourself. Utilize the babysitter. It doesn't matter if you go to the library or sit and have a cup of coffee somewhere or better yet meet your hsuband for lunch. Remember, besides being a wife and mother you are also a woman and you need to pay some female attention to yourself to get you feeling good about yourself. You sound tired to me. Mom's do get tired. Mom's put everyone elses needs before theirs. We are happy to do it but every now and again you need to take some time out to pamper yourself a little, clear your mind, refocus and regroup. Do some marriage maintenance. Your children will have fun with the idea mommy and daddy are going out on a date. Good luck!

Answer 4

Being sexually mismatched is very common.

This is usually the history of it:

[a] When dating, the couple is highly sexual. Everything goes and it goes frequently. In this respect, women tend to misrepresent what they are sexually. They do things they wouldn't normally to "keep him", they have sex more frequently than perhaps they would like to ideally, and many tend to send the message "this is what you'll get all the time when we get married." And the guy is stupid enough to believe it.

[b] They get married. There's a brief honeymoon period, but then the woman stops doing what she was doing before that she didn't really want to do, and frequency dies down dramatically due to running the house, cleaning the house, children, just not interested, whatever. There's always SOMETHING, as Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say.

[c] The guy meanwhile has been gearing up for sex on demand 24/7/365, and is completed frustrated when it becomes less frequent with fewer activities - no more bjs, no more back door, less intercourse, whatever.

[d] He complains, being the one-track mind blockhead that he is, and given that sex is extremely important to men.

[e] She shrivels up when she hears complaints about sex.

[f] Things get worse.

[g] Repeat steps [d] - [f] until he cheats, goes insane, she has a nervous breakdown, gains 200 pounds, he becomes an internet porn addict, and they either live in the same house but aren't close, or they split up.

Your other issues of close-by family, etc. just intensify the separation feelings. But don't go running to them. Work it out or end it completely with him first.

Answer 5

If that is all there is to the problem, then no. It seems like a normal valley in the relationship. I would suggest counselling if you are unable to communicate with your husband on your own without arguing. Sometimes, communcation is a skill that people just haven't mastered---especially in relationships.

Marriage isn't always on the peaks. If you think that way, you will be on husband # 6 by the time you are 50. There are highs and lows. You have to learn how to bring those lows back up. It's called committment to your marriage and it takes work. I'm not saying divorce is never an option, but people are too quick to just give up without learning how to relate again to someone that they have loved for years. If sex is the only problem, you may find that he has an underlying physical (or mental) block that is causing problems. Men find that embarrassing and may not want to talk about it. That can cause anger (and arguing). Give him and your marriage a REAL chance. Counselling.

Answer 6

You have to weigh up the whole situation. Is it just the sex that you are not interested in? Do you like him as a person? Do you all get on as a family, in general?

If you leave him, dont imagine the kids will be easy - they won't! There will be all sorts of traumas that arise that you are not aware of - tears, tantrums, long discussions about why etc, possibly bedwetting or bad behaviour, eating problems.... the list goes on. So think very carefully before you decide.

Wouldnt it be easier to talk to him about the whole thing? What do you want out of life, what does he?

If you go back to your home town, things wont be the same as when you left. Your kids will have to change school etc. It wont be easy.

Having said all that, only YOU know the true situation. I left my husband just over 4 years ago - had problems with my daughters because of it - moved in with new man and now married to him and MUCH happier! So a new life is possible.

But dont just switch seats on the Titanic.

If you love your husband and its just about sex, then you need to see what you can work out between you.

Try counselling. One couple i know - its transformed them, truly!

Good luck!

Faith x

Answer 7

not sure what you do for a living or if this is an option but I think you should try to save your marriage.Perhaps a councilor or therapist or some help from the church. All that depends upon your lifestyle and finances but try something. There are 3 children involved here and the thing that most forget is they almost certainly do not want a broken home, and whatever the outcome, in the end they will be the ones who "pay for it." He may not want to go or try. You should do it anyway. At some point in this relationship both of you thought and said "it's us till the end." The both of you should TRY to get back to there. You may have to start without him. Best to you and yours

Answer 8

You just have to do whatever makes you happy in life. Sometimes this means accepting short term unhappiness, but to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children means denying yourself happiness. If you really feel like you've reached the end, then maybe it is a good idea to leave, but only you know, I would hate to give advice that means 3 children grow up without their mother or father around, so you really can only answer that yourself .... but it's not the end of the world. And you might meet someone that makes you a lot happier

Answer 9

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Answer 10

Many people are telling you to leave, but you are a parent. And you want the best for your children. Your kids only have one childhood and they deserve the best childhood you can give them. So ask them what they want. And they'll tell you - they want Mummy and Daddy together, with no arguing.
So go and get counselling. There is help out there. Stop fighting - it's that simple. Get a sense of humour, don't take life so seriously and look for enjoyment in your marriage.
If there were serious problems in your marriage, then I would say get a divorce. But you need to put some real effort in trying to work your life out, for your children's sake.

Answer 11

Is sex the main problem? You have to ask yourself how
would you feel without him. Does he know how you feel?
You are homesick so perhaps moving back home for a
while with your husband and children might help the situation.
If you are arguing all of the time it is not good for the children.
Try and change your lifestyle which suits all of you. Also, is
there anyone back home that could take you in for a while?
without your husband. It is so hard trying to give advice. Only
you know you feel. When we have children we sacrifice our
lives for them really. But if they have two unhappy parents it is
time to do something about it. Good Luck.