he won't talk things out.?

Question

We have been married a little over two years, and have had a few
disagreements, mostly over his quick temper.
I have tried repeatedly to get him to tell me why he is so imaptient with me, and all I get is either insults or 'nothing'.
I don't understand why he 'never' talks things out!
I have even suggested going to a councelor but that suggestion was 'quickly refused.
We have both been married before, my second, his forth.
I'm beginning to think he's always had this problem and thats why his marriages don't work.
All I know is, I cannot live in such a hostile atmosphere.
Thing is, he wasn't like this while we were dating, so why now..
Anyone have any suggestions please!!
The biggest problem we have is, he is so quick tempered and
snaps at me if i ask him a simple question like, the other day I
asked him if he had fed the dogs ( we both feed them) but i was
sick all day, and he snapped at me "well what the $%^# do you think". He does this a lot.

Answer 1

Hello,
In my experience I learned that the best way to deal with delicate issues or problems in a relationship is to write a letter. It really works because you don't get into arguments in between, meaning that he/she doesn't interrupt when you are talking. When you write a letter expressing how you feel and what you want you get all of his/her attention.
Give him the letter when he is quiet, not when he's obfuscated.
Because of his temper, I suggest you to give him the letter when he goes to work, that way he won’t react aggressive toward you.
Make sure not to focus only in his downfalls or negative things, tell him what you like and what you don't like about him when you write that letter. Be positive. Let him think about it for a day or two and if he doesn't get back at you after those two days, approach him and ask him to talk to you and give you an answer regarding that letter.
Ask him to put himself in your situation and tell him to treat you, as he wants to be treated.
May be your marriage is lacking of affection, attention, romance or sex and that’s why he is treating you differently than before. Go back in time and think what has changed in your marriage and try to regain what you were doing back then.
You probably don’t have excitement in your life as a couple any more. That's why he doesn't see you as he used to.
Little details make a relationship grow. You probably don't have details anymore with each other.
I will recommend that you take the initiative and try to change your habits.
I suggest that you change your ways and dress sexier for him, or different so he can notice your change especially when he comes from work. Have a bubble bath ready for him, cook something different and have a sensual dessert, fix his favorite drink. Teas him in a good way so he can regain interest in you. Leave a note on his windshield saying that you love him, tell him in that note that he would have a surprise if he gets home earlier.
Have a personal picnic in the middle of your living room with some cheese, fruits and whipped cream chocolate or caramel, some wine or champagne etc.
Any little detail that you think is not important for you might be important for him.
People think that little details are not important but in reality little details are what makes the difference in a relationship.
Even if you are upset or mad at him tell him that you love him, just tell him that you are mad but you love him still.

I'm a man and my best advice is that you should never let any man hit or snap you. If he continues to do it after you tell him in an assertive way, not to do it any more, I suggest you to get away from him because snapping at you is just the beginning of a severe physical abuse.
For more support you are welcome to e-mail me if you wish.
Best Wishes.

Answer 2

You're prob. right about the reason why his previous marriages didn't work. I'm also married to someone who can't talk things out and believe me he will never change. Communication was not encouraged in his family. Many people are on their good behavior while dating but, change once they're married. I doubt if this man can sustain a good relationship with any woman so, I'd divorce him if I were you. And next time, don't marry someone who's a 3 time loser.

Answer 3

Hi

I have the same prob with my hubby..we have been married for just a year and we fight almost everyday... this is our first... but we don't know what normal is...

You and your hubby should know how to solve probs and talk as you have both been married before.... he seems arrogant with a no care attitude... give him an ultimatum..if he doesn't change then leave him.,.u will be better off without him..


Good luck

Answer 4

"writers whose words are barbed fish hooks that catch your soul, that pull you through the rancid acid of your own hells," Probably the coolest thing I've read today. I have only been up for an hour though ;-)

Answer 5

i am a quick tempered too. so if i like a person i am extremely patient and i like everything about this person. if i start getting disappointed in the person i liked before this person starts to annoy me with even little things. and to some extent i can suppress myself, but then i can't any more. so i guess he just got somehow disappointed in u, probably he expected something more from your relationships and now he is disappointed and u only annoy him. the only solution is either fix this reason why he got disappointed or for u to leave (or kick him out)

Answer 6

No wonder he has been married 4 times...If it were me, i would leave him. And I NEVER say that lightly. But I have and am where you are and I wish I had left 21 years ago when his true colors came shining through.. Don't let ANY man treat you that way..

Mine never lets up, he gets ranting and he doesn't quit.. I have to leave the room and put ear plugs in..LOL..seriously!

Answer 7

Maybe your husband is a very smart person in terms of scientific or whatever knowledge he has. Smart people has this quick temper thing going on. And the only way to get around it is proving yourself worthy or even smarter than him and he will following you around, but if you don't, I'm afraid this will never stop.

Answer 8

He's suffering from an incurable mental disease or defect.

Although it grieves me sorely that you've already suffered one divorce, apart from divorce (and a permanent restraining order against him) I can imagine no safe resolution to this problem.

Please get free from this abusive man.

Answer 9

Their is a breakdown in communication...you can go to counseling yourself...and learn how to deal with him when he is like that. Usually that means their is something wrong in your marriage. But don't give up..never give up always keep your head up. You are stronger than you think.

Answer 10

A closet verbal abuser, just what every woman wants in their lives. NOT!!!

You need to tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable. That you will not tolerate such abuse in your life. There is and IMPLIED ultimatum in that, but nothing direct.