Suicide...?

Question

I once was a proud husband and father, as well as a leader in my community. My wife divorced me and when I got custody of our child she made it her life's mission to smear my name and take our child back. It took her years but she finally did it with a hundred lies and deceptions. I have lost my daughter, my job, and my self respect. I am seriously thinking about killing myself. She has poisoned my child's mind and everyone else's I knew against me. The few friends I have left are being treated badly for still being my friends. Their lives would be better without me too. My life is worthless...

Answer 1

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.



Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.


Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.


1 You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

2 Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

3 People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

4 Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

5 Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.


Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.


Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

Now: I’d like you to call someone.

And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.

Additional things to read at this site:

How serious is our condition? ...“he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really serious...” if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get attention... read this.

Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.

The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.

Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.

Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse.

Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer.

What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide, includes Suicide Warning Signs.

Other online sources of help:
The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.

Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.

Depression support group online: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.

Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide and other mental health needs.

Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.

If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.

Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.

Please do not do this.......get counseling.....your daughter will see the truth eventually...she probably is too young right now and has been put in the middle.....please get help...best wishes....do not give up....you are a stronger person...

Answer 2

I know life seems hopeless right now but suicide is not the answer. My grandfather and father both committed suicide. First my grandfather did it and it tore the family apart. My grandmother was never eally the same. Almost 3 years ago my dad committed suicide, no warning or anything. I never got along with my father, we argued all the time. But I cannot tell you how devistated I was when I found out. I was at work and I just started screaming. It was something that changes you inside and you can never get it back. It may seem like everyone is against you right now, but it does get better.Your daughter may be confused right now but you never know what time will do. She may turn completely around and if you're gone, you don't know what she will do. There are so many things that I wish I could have said to my dad. Please call a suicide hotline for help.Suicide is not the option.It just causes a whole lot of pain. Call 1-800-273-TALK(8255). Remember there are other ways to deal with your pain. Please call the hotline

Answer 3

Nonsense!!!! If you give up now, you're letting her win!!! Do you really want to leave this life knowing that you gave her that satisfaction??? Your life is worth more than you realize!!! You need to gain the strength to change things because you can!!! It's going to take much effort and time, but you owe it to yourself. Do you want your daughter to be "fatherless" when one day she discovers the truth about what a loving and caring Dad she has?? Do you want to put the few friends that have stood by you, regardless of the outcome to endure such agony from losing you?? They don't deserve that at all. You're wrong if you think their lives would be better without you. The pain that you will cause them is 30 times more than what you perceive it to be now. Stand back up and fight for yourself. Don't let anyone have such power over you like that..........to drive you to end your own precious life. You don't deserve to go like that anyhow.........So have faith in yourself. Be determined to get your life back! You worked hard to be that proud husband/father and leader, then you can do it all again!!! Time is nothing when you've finally reached your goals and achieved what you had set out to do. This will only make you a stronger and wiser human being. You have people that love you, so don't let them down!

Answer 4

Who hasn't seen this scenario played out before... I'm sure that everybody here has felt this way at one time or another. It passes with time, that's all you can say. You want to see her miserable? Live life to the fullest. Move out of there. You don't need to be seeing everything that reminds you of how miserable your life is. I don't care if you just lost your job either. There's plenty of jobs out there. McDonalds is always hiring. You don't need to put yourself into these high standards that society has set for you. Just leave. Just pack up your car, fill it up with gas, drive one direction and wherever you stop, live there. You have a world of options open to you now that you are a "free man", and taking your life seems like a waste of those options. You have what we call "opportunity", the chance to change your life and become a better person. Don't let this chance slip away. Good luck, and I hope you take me seriously. Peace.

Answer 5

There are many challenges in this existence and some are very difficult, but you can not win if you do not run the race. I know men who have been estranged from their children by a vicious ex only to find new love and a new relationship with their children when the kids are old enough to think for themselves.

Rely upon your faith to bolster you through the difficult times and persevere - there are brighter days ahead. You are being asked to make a new start - I know you can do it. We all have tests, and I have heard far worse (with special needs children and abuse, etc.) and seen people come back from it to live their happiest and most wonderful days. Know that things will get better - and here's a great book that helped me:

http://www.hayhouse.com/details.php?id=267

Peace!

Answer 6

You should'nt think of your life as a misreble waste of time..... I dont know if you belive in god or not.... but if so.... put it in his hands and pray. Ifnot.... I'll pray for you.Every day you wake up is a blessing..... you get to see your loved ones and family.... you have an opportunity to make a new friend..... To show your ex-wife and the people she blinded with lies that you are not as she says and that you are.
Let me tellyou a story...
my dearest and best frind thought the same thing as you this past augest. She took her life at 25. She left beheind two adorable little girls who were only 5 and 1. Her girls were the ones who found her and came to thier grsndmother saying, "mommy wont wake up."
I had to watch my best friend be carried lifelessly out of her home, with her older sister and younger brother not knowing what happend untill they saw she wasnt breathing.
Her oldest now is almost 6 and will never forget it..... she told me in deatail what happend that day when they went to go wake up mommy.
Her mother is now depressed and wont even come to her own home now.... she just put it up for sale.
Every ones life was inpacted by it..... and every one in your life will be inpacted by it too.
I cried when I read your question/statement, and had to answer before it is too late. If you were gone the friends that are still with you, your true friends, wouldnt have the same life without seeing your face.....
Oh what more can I say....I dont even know you and i care a bout you...... please dont do it....... e-mail me further if you want anymore help at [e-mail]
much love..... ill be praying 4 u.
jordan m d

Answer 7

Sorry to hear about that, but lol if you give up and died what will your daughter will feel, can't you let your child live without a father. Stop felt sorry start over again!! Go out there found a new job and stay alive start over, hey you can give up and die or Be there for your daughter, start over, if you died all the lies your ex wife is tell will hurt your daughter, Don't died it won't help you, you have to face this, not for you, your friend and daughter they are the one you care about so don't die it my advice but if you can't found answer ask god or move alway in a new town, new place and start over I HOPE THIS HELP I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TO BE ALRIGHT.

Answer 8

Don't contemplate suicide. That is never the answer. It is difficult to move on after you have lived through such hard time, you would only be taking the easy way out. Show the world that you can overcome these and many more obstacles. In the end you will have new found admiration for yourself and in doing so you will show the world that it was your ex-wife that poisoned them. They will come around, and you can once again thrive!

Answer 9

SUICIDE PREVENTION

Suicide & Crisis Hotline [phone] Help for Troubled Teens

National Hope Line Network 1-800-784-2433 Suicide Prevention

http://usminc.org/links.html

Answer 10

I know it's bleak right now. What you need is a new begining, not an end. You would be selfish to take your daughters daddy away from her. Sooner or Later things will come to light and they will know the truth. You may think your daughter is against you but she loves you. If her mom is lying to her, your very smart daughter will figure it out for herself. You have how many years that you have to deal with the mother? After that it will be smooth sailing and your daughter is going to want you to walk her down the aisle. Don't rob her of that.

Answer 11

Okay - you need to get yourself some support resources.

Heres one: http://www.recovery-inc.org/

They have free support groups all over the country for people suffering from emotional illnesses like depression and anxiety.

Call the national suicide hotline to talk to someone if you need to. A national hotline number is 1-800- SUICIDE.

And call 911 if it gets uncontrollable.

Things get better - but you need to be around other people who know how you are feeling and have been in a similar place.

Get some human support - at least once a week.

It will get better.

.