Last name and religion choices for single mom?

Question

Baby's dad and I are not together. He feels that in order to have any "validity" to baby, that baby should have his last name or that it should be hypenated. He states that no one will know it is his or if he dies there is no tie to baby if baby does not have his last name.

I feel that since I will be the primary caregiver and will be living with me 2 hours from him that having my last name is more appropriate. Not to mention, he has done nothing for baby during my pregnancy except my life more stressful by picking fights and not following through on anything he says he is going to do (i.e. help pay for baby necessities).

Additionally, he feels that baby should be baptised Catholic (his religion) and I feel Lutheran (mine) as will be primary caregiver.

What do you think? What would you do? Why?
Especailly want answers from guys...as I don't understand the male sex. Thanks!

Answer 1

Well a hyphenated last name seems like a fair compromise. The baby does deserve to have his fathers name. This way the child can take advantage of both of your family names and no one looses. As far as religion goes why not educate your child on both religions as he or she grows and then let he or she pick the religion they most believe in and when that happens whenever it is have he or she baptised then. If you go through this for the next 18 years throwing up your the primary care giver all the time you aren't doing anything but adding more stress to an already stressful situation. Plus with your child never say anything bad about their dad because the child is innocent its always best to try and compromise because you will be around each other a lot. Best of luck!

Answer 2

My husband and I gave our children my last name (which I kept when we married). We're not at all close to his family, and when we thought about things as personal as names, we realized that, tradition aside, we wanted them to carry the family name that would nurture and love them.

So I think it's very reasonable to want your baby to have your last name. A compromise might be to give the baby's father's last name as a middle name?

We worried, needlessly, that people might question our little girls' relationship with their father because they don't have the same last name, or that he might have problems, say, picking them up from school. But it's 2006 and people are familiar with the phenomenon. We've never had a problem.

As for the baptism...you make vows during a baptism that you will raise the child in the faith he/she's being baptised into. If you're a practicing Lutheran, and you have no interest in raising your child a Catholic, I think baptising him/her as one would be a mistake.

And if he's not shouldering any of the emotional, physical, or financial responsibilities, he shouldn't be able to call any of the shots.

You don't want to stand in the way of your child's relationship with his/her father. Obviously, they will have to figure that out for themselves, although you will facilitate as possible. But he doesn't get to push you around.

You want to be reasonable and flexible, but not a doormat. THAT'S a good example to set for your child!

Answer 3

You have to do what you feel is right. But I will say that my sister had a similar situation. Her baby's dad threw a fit and wanted the baby to have his last name etc until she agreed to do it. Then when it came time to sign the birth certificate my sister gave him her last name on an impulse and is SO glad she did since the daddy lost interest when the baby was a week old. She hasn't seen or heard from him since and my nephew has never met him (he is 4 1/2 years old now)

Answer 4

The baby's last name is up to you. By it's life alone the baby will have validity. If no one knows the father IS the father if he dies...that's life. The choice of religion is up to you as well. YOU are the one giving birth to the child. Tell him that when HE can get pregnant and gestate to term and give birth HE can make those decisions.

Answer 5

ok - i am a single-from conception mother of both of my children and they both have my last name. If he is worried about his posterity, he should have married you or whatever. YOU are bearing the child, not him. YOU are the primary caregiver, not him. THe child's last name has no bearing on the 'validity' of his paternity.

My second daughter's father brought up the same thing in his pathetic attempt to imprint himself however he could. It's BS. Who cares if no one knows it's his and there is absolutely a tie regardless of the baby's last name.

Why would you want answers from men? It doesn't matter if you understand why your baby's father wants it to have his name - you likely never will understand him. My children have MY name - they're MY family - shared names go along with marriage and all that. Baby should also follow YOUR religious traditions because YOU are raising the baby - not the sperm donor! How are you going to help the baby learn Catholocism if you're Lutheran? That makes no sense - This is all a pride thing to him - his EGO is talking. Just because your baby has your name doesn't negate his responsibility to his child. I sincerely hope you intend to get a support order established and enforced through your state's Child Support Enforcement agency (or Office of Recovery Services as it is in my state).

When I was married (after my first daughter was born) and had a different last name from her, it was horrendous getting things straightened out when she started school and all that - it's so much easier having the same last name as your children. If I ever marry again, I will have my children's last names changed to that of my husband's (without terminating their father's paternal rights - they would still be responsible for support and the like) so that we're all the same. Your child can still know its father and have a connection with him if the father pursues that opportunity - but it is important for your child to feel like it belongs to you and I never thought it mattered so much until my daughter came to me crying that she didn't share my name anymore - that she wanted to be known by that last name so we'd match - it does matter to them. If things change with his father and you marry, then all of y'all can get them changed together - but don't give into his ego-trip and give up your 'claim' to your baby. He may have helped make him, but you're doing the rest. It's your right and priviledge to name your baby after your family.

(my 2nd daughter's father said - when I asked him why he was so insistent that I give her his name - 'she's the fruit of my loins' and i answered in two parts 'a) she's the fruit of mine as well and b) it felt good to you when it was the fruit of YOUR loins - it's gonna be uncomfortable as hell when she's the fruit of mine! I win! :) )

Answer 6

The baby's father is out of line. If he wants to be part of the child's life, then he needs to be part of it in EVERY way - not just the areas that allow him control without having to actually put forth any effort. (Taking his last name and religion gives him control.)

If he wants to be part of the baby's life, it should be in every area. That means he attends all the doctor's appts, pays half the medical bills, does half the housework, supports you financially when you can't work, pays regular child support or has custody of the child 50% of the time, etc.

Unless the father takes an active, supportive role in your life, you have every right to choose the baby's last name and religion.

Answer 7

I think you should what is best for you and the baby. If you think that the father of the baby is not going to around much and may not support you in this time of need, than the baby should have you last name and your religion.

Answer 8

Get a lawyer. You are really stupid, you know that? This is why you do not have sex with some dude you are planning to marry. But the child needs a life. Get a lawyer to MAKE him do what is right by the child. And in the mean time, keep your damned panties up.
And make sure you file for sole custody of the child! It's daddy is a real jerk! But YOU are stuck with HIM for the life of the child! Unless he gives up ALL rights. What difference does it make which religion? You both tossed out your doctrine when you hopped into the bed with out a marriage certificate! (But, I would go with the Lutheran myself, I have not heard of them molesting little kids on a regular basis.) Good luck. I am sorry for chewing you out, but you do need for someone to give a damn about your baby. He sure does not!

Answer 9

I agree with Angel_Lips. Do not rely on the father, it will likely come down to you raising your sweet baby. Please make it easy on yourself, give the baby your last name and proudly raise it in your church! I am a devout Catholic, but I truly believe you will be able to sustain your faith and give your baby a religious upbringing if you have fewer conflicts with the name and religion. Do not let the father buffalo you! Stand firm with these issues. Good luck to you, and God bless all three of you.

Answer 10

My sister was in a similiar situation. She gave my niece her last name.

If I were you, being that you will be the primary care-taker and you're not married to the father... I would give your child your last name. I would also baptise him/her Lutheran.