What can I say to this friend?

Question

Here is the situation. My husband has been friends with his best friend since elementary school and he is a great guy, he is my friend also. I will call him Jim. Jim hasn't had good luck with females his entire life but fortunately met "the one" about a year ago and they are getting married this summer. This is wonderful and we are happy for him but his behavior has changed ever since he began seeing this girl and not for the better. He has always been a great friend to us and would never say a hurtful word to anyone but now he blows all his friends off for his fiance and has become very self-absorbed. My husband and I moved about 4 hours away last summer into a pretty big house and we have had another friend tell us that Jim says my husband is snotty now and we are over our heads with this house, we don't need that much house etc. We are not strapped and are able to put money away even with our new house. My husbans is hurt and we are both fed up. I really want to tell Jim he

is being a jerk. My husband is best man in his wedding and we don't want to cause trouble but he is not being a good friend right now. I think my husband should talk to him but he says it doesn't matter. I am finding it a challenge to hold my tounge. When he calls my husband and I he will go on and on about him and his fiance and then will not even ask how we are. This and the talking behind our backs is getting really annoying. Our other friend is also fed up. Any ideas of what I can say to him?

Answer 1

Speaking from personal experience, I know it's very hard not be self-absorbed in a new relationship, especially when you haven't had good luck in the past. Love is a strangely selfish thing -- it's all about you, you, you! Kind of like new parents who only ever talk about their baby. Gets kind of dull after a while from a friend's POV, but the new parent eventually gets over it and things go back to normal.

Saying hurtful things, though, is a whole different story, and that could very well be the influence of the fiancee. If she's the jealous or gossipy type, that could be the problem right there. If "Jim" is as enamoured of her as his behaviour would indicate, he could be listening to her and thinking that she is seeing things that he never noticed before.

Or, perhaps "Jim" has developed a problem with how the friendship with you and your husband has changed since you moved, and it's showing up as pouty rudeness. Maybe he feels left out, or, even worse, left behind.

Regardless of the cause, the best course of action is to confront "Jim" about his behaviour and what he's been saying. Stuff like this that's left to fester will ruin an otherwise solid friendship, and needs to be resolved quickly. Tell him that you've heard what he's been saying (give examples, and name names!), and you want to know what's going on, and why he felt he couldn't talk to you guys directly (not that your finances are any of his business!). Be upfront. Be tactful. Don't attack him. Do your best to save the friendship, but don't be a doormat.

Just my advice!

Answer 2

tell him the truth, tell him that you guys think that he's changed so much and not for the better, and you guys don't really want a friend like him, but if he's willing to change you guys will really appreciate it and hope this friendship lasts.

Answer 3

This sounds like it is the work of his fiancee - "they have a big house so why can't we" and so on. the best thing you can do is to give him room and when she divorces him be there for support!!

Answer 4

tell him how you feel and he has been such a jerk...but don't be harsh on him or else you are acting the same as he did to you...tell him nicely that he changed a lot and you don't really like it!