My husband's and my comunication shot?

Question

My husband works 10 hrs a day and takes a 2 and a 1/2 hr bus ride to and from work 5 days out of the week. He is a customer service rep(on the phone all day) When he comes home I missed him all day and want to talk to him. He says I talk all day I don't want to come home and talk too. Am I being selfish to want him to talk then too? It has gotten to the point. I don't know when to talk cuz I don't think he cares what I say. He cuts me off of important things we need to both know, like a message left for me or when the bills are due or that he needs me to go pay it. We just don't talk anymore. Is there someone that can help?

Answer 1

I think the guys above have pretty much filled in all the answers towards resolving the situation so I thought maybe I could help with maybe helping you understand how it feels for him and maybe help you feel a little less alienated by knowing that your not alone

I spent about 2 years in a job where i would routinely work 12 hours a day with only 1 day off in every 14. I was working in a customer service role at an extremely busy train station. My partner was at university and as such was out of the house much less often than I was. This meant she had a lot of time sat at home alone waiting for me to come home from work.

I loved her very much but I was so fatigued mentally and physically when I got home that the last thing I felt like doing when I got home was talking. I did make the effort but I just didn't have it in me to bring myself to care about the day to day problems of her and her friends after spending all day with people making demands on my time and attention.

As time went by the situation was compounded by the fact that she started feeling very similar to the way your feeling now. I understood what was wrong and I knew something needed to change but my patience and temper had been tested so much during the long days that the slightest bit of annoyance or frustration in her tone would be enough to push me over the edge and make me either close up all together or completely loose my temper.

In time I came to understand that there are other ways to communicate other than verbally. She didn't necessarily want to talk to me about the stuff she was saying, she just wanted to interact with me. She simply needed to know that I loved her and that I was glad to see her. Eventually I realised that for us the best way of working through this was to talk to her about the way I felt when I got in from work, to try to explain how nine times out of ten I was running on the last fragments of my patience and that I just needed maybe an hour, sometimes two where I didn't have to deal with any problems big or small.

We agreed that she wouldn't make any demands on my time or attention for an hour after I got in and she especially wouldn't ask me to tell her about my day.

we ended up getting into a routine where I would come in, get myself changed, maybe stomp around a little for 10 or 15 minutes and then I would come over and lie with her on the settee whilst we watched rubbish on TV. This let me recharge a bit, showed her that I was glad to be back home with her and that I loved her and gave us a bit of quality time together every night where we didn't have to worry about anything, we could just hold each other for a while.

Usually I'd end up letting her know when I was feeling better by asking about her day or telling her about mine because the truth was I did love her and I really did want to know what was going on in her life whilst I was out at work, it just took me a long time to realise how to get myself recharged enough to give her the amount of attention she deserved when she shared that with me.

I hope that helps in some way hun, good luck.

Answer 2

If he is not able to fulfill his duties in the relationship because of the job, then he needs to learn how to juggle both of them so that the relationship doesnt suffer, or he needs to get another job. The relationship is most important. You should talk to him and let him know that choices should be made so that the relationship doesnt get destroyed. Dont let it go on another day. You are not being selfish. You need to talk and communicate to him and he needs to communicate to you. Thats one of the vital ingredients to a successful marriage.He is not ignoring you. It takes a lot for a guy to talk all day and then come home and talk. Thats why something must be done now. In the mean time, get your talking in with some of your women friends so that you dont go crazy. You can communicate with your husband without talking, but do something together. Write notes to each other. Have him call you on his lunch break and talk then. Buy him a small micro tape recorder so he can record a conversation during his 5 hours of traveling. You could do the same thing and he could listen to it on the way to and from work. What about cell phones? He's on the road for 5 hours a day. Surely there is some time there when you can talk to each other.These should be temporary solutions. "DONT'' let this go on or it may cost you your marriage. See a counselor together and get some other ideas. Maybe you can move closer to his work. Or, he can start looking for a job closer to home. Hope this helps. :)

Answer 3

I seriously suggest that the two of you agree that he have a decompression time when he first comes home. Hopefully, he can unwind and relax for say forty five minutes, and THEN be available to his FAMILY, YOU! If he is unwilling to try this, you have deeper problems. Yes, as another person suggested, he may need to find a different job, as the type of job he has, along with the tough commute would burn most people out in a short while. Meanwhile do your best to empathize with him, letting him know that you appreciate and understand the huge sacrifice he makes each day for the benefit of you BOTH, but that his health and your relationship with him are far more important than any job...ever. See if he will consider looking elsewhere, and ask how you can help him in that endeavor. Good luck and congrats for looking for a constructive answer to this situation!

Answer 4

You know, I have been a CSR for the past 5 years, and I have NEVER had a problem with talking after I get out of work. Then again, I have never worked 10 hour days.
If I were you I would tell him this: "You talk to people all day and give them your attention, but to me you just can't? Just because you get paid? Well, I have given you my love, I have helped you through a lot, I have given you kids (if you have any), I do my share of housework, and I give you sex so many times a week. How many of the people you talk to every day do that for you? Will I get the same respect they get if I stop doing everything I do and start paying you (enter the amount he makes) an hour for talking to me?"
Maybe that will get his attention.

Answer 5

Really think about what you want to say. And write him a letter. He won't have to talk, and you can tell him how you are feeling about the whole situation. Don't use the letter to vent on him, really think about what you need to tell him and how the situation is affecting you and how you feel. Your worries about the relationship and also how much you love him. At the very least, you are making the first step on your part at trying to communicate. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

He sounds exhausted from his job and the travelling. Is there any chance of a different job? When he gets home let him have an hour to himself to unwind and maybe he will talk to you then. Maybe he feels bombarded with conversation as soon as he walks in the door. He sounds depressed with his life. Councelling may help,. Good Luck.

Answer 7

A conversation with his wife would have a different content and meaning than the conversations at work. There is something else wrong here. Find out. If you love him, you need to tell him what you need. And if he doesn't think it is necessary, you tell him you are unhappy and you want counseling for you both.

Answer 8

You need to go to counseling with him..... Try to spend quiet time with him when he gets home.... he just may be really tired and see if sometime he starts to talk with you... Just tell and communicate to him that you love him no matter what.... Try taking him out on a special date or doing something with him that he likes to do....

Answer 9

He needs to back off of work to make a time for you and himself. Especially if there are kids involved. If not wait and resolve this problem be for you have any.

Answer 10

tell him that it good he work so hard but what good is the money if youre not there you need a marriage counseling because communication is a big part of married and you need one day off so you can enjoy each other and remenber that first kiss we you met good luck