When will the pain go away when the only woman you loved has suddenly betrayed you and left you feeling empty?

Question

My wife and i have been together for 27 years, she is 50 and i 46. I felt we had a good relationship that was built on trust. In January my wife left for a Carribean Island that we vactioned for the last three years. We sold our house and our two kids age 23 and 21 move out on their own. For us it was meant to be a break from the action for a couple of years and see what life was like in another country. In February she asked for me to come for a holiday for two weeks because she missed me. I left February 26th and after a great holiday we were both looking forward to our time in the sun together. It was on March 13th that all hell broke loose. I had quit my post and was ready to move down for good when she said she needed time and space. I knew this was a lie and made my way down anyway and found the inevitible she was with another man a caucasion 62 year old that we used to invite for supper. It has been 9 months and i can't get over what has happened..the betrayal and pain hurts.

Answer 1

Damn I am so sorry to hear that (really).

First of all, do you want the pain to go away? I know that may sound dumb at first, but I only ask because when some things have happened in my family, in some ways I didn't want the pain to go away. In my example, I'm thinking of a death of a family member. After what most would consider a 'normal' period of mourning, I felt like it would be wrong if I wasn't hurting...does that makes sense?

All I can do is remind you that life is short. Sometimes these things can be the best things that ever happened to you--even though it's not easy to see that now (let alone getting to the point where you want to see it).

Whatever you do, don't get into the self-inflicted trap of trying to 'make her see' all the pain that she's caused you (trying to make her feel more guilty etc.). Exercise (sounds dumb when you're depressed I know, but it really does minimize depression). Get out and do things and be that version of yourself that people want to be around (not just her). Ask yourself and answer questions you don't want to answer--like "What is good about this?" If you can't come up with some good answers to that, it probably means you don't want to find the answers to that question.

I know you're in a lot of pain now so I hope you don't find this to be too glib--my intentions are good just based on my own experience. You are in a dark 'room' right now and it's probably hard to see that there are many other rooms.

I wish you well!!! I don't know if your new life will have anything to do with her or not, but you have a new life now regardless. Make the most of it and become a new version of you. Take care.

P.S. I have some materials that *might* be helpful if interested (not a sales pitch!).

Answer 2

I wish there was a balm to soothe the pain. There isn't any.
The only way to heal is to take stock.

Do you want her back?

If the answer is yes, then you have to woo her back. Think of your courtship and you will have the answer. Go for it, think of what went wrong in your relationship and work on it.

If the answer is no, then stop pining for her. As long as you hurt she knows where she has you, right where it hurts.

It's gonna be difficult but putting it behind you is the first step. You hurt because you did not see it coming. Slowly, you will heal, don't look for sympathy from your friends. That is the last thing you need. What you need is friends who will support you and help you get on in life. Friends like these will not judge you nor will they let you wallow in self pity. Recognize them and draw from their strenght and you will move on.

If your wife's new companion is what she wants, well so be it. If it does not work out, and later she wants to come back, you are in a better frame of mind to accept or reject her.

Above all, do not let yourself sink into a mess because of her.

Answer 3

I have read your notes and find them very sincere and there is no lying in you. Allot of people post garbage, but this is real and I would say to you that we are the same age bracket as you and yours and I also find it interesting that I too sold my house and moved to settle again in a new location and my son is 21.

What I would do in your case is that prhaps your not in total loss here, because when something like this happens it usually is a cause for change.
She will not prosper for the way she chose to move on, but as for you your entitled to at least a dignified way of refusal.

She fails to acknowledge this and thats why I feel that your going to prosper greater on the long run here. Your going through a tough time right now, but look up high in the sky and let your first rule of thumb guuide you to what is the right thing to do in this case and not to let it destroy you.

Wait for the morning star to arrive in your heart and follow that path to a much more better life than what you've encountered thus far.

Tomorrow the Sun shines and it is a new beggining for you that will surely bring joy and happiness. Do you believe in that?
It wil happen for you!
Peace and God Speed
Al Rozz

Answer 4

You are right to feel betrayed and hurt. That is part of the grieving process over the loss or your relationship. Although this may sound a bit trite, time heals all wounds. The more time that passes the less you will resent her. And, as oddly as it may sound, the best way to get rid of a resentment such as this is to pray for her for at least two weeks. It is a spiritual and emotional cleansing process. And, while you pray for her why not add in the older man? You likely are not pleased with him either. That way you can rid yourself of emotional baggage, be a better person for it and rise above the situation by taking the high road.

Answer 5

It is normal to be hurt and be in pain. You were together for 27 years. The most important thing for you to do is try to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. It will hurt for a long time and the pain will probably never fully go away but everyday will be a little less painful. Look at it like this..... at least you found out when you did. If you truly love her then don't you want her to be happy? She will realize the mistake that she has made eventually. For now just try to find yourself and don't think about her and her betrayal. Everything happens for a reason.

Answer 6

Wow,
I Sure Feel Your Pain, Your Right, It will take sometime to get over a life time with a partner, it's as close as experiencing a death of a loved one as anything else ..

I am just being honest , but you will have to just try to put it out of your mind as often as you can, But this is so hard to do ..

I think married couples that are having problems , think it's easy to say I need my space ( this is usually the cheater of the 2 ) , The pain the other spouse suffers is tremendous . every feeling imaginable is exposed , you can't even hide it .. You seem to lose your spirit, self worth , your trust , and even yourself. You will find it again... IT WILL TAKE A LOT OF TIME .. AFTER THAT MANY YEAR'S OF MARRIAGE, I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO GET OVER THIS IN 9 MONTH'S .. BUT I SURE WISH YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OVER IT MUCH SOONER, SHE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU..

SHE SOUND'S LIKE A VERY SELFISH PERSON

THAT GRASS THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO GREEN ON THE SIDE SHE HAS CHOSEN WILL NOT STAY GREEN

I WANT TO WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK

.

Answer 7

sure it hurts to love someone and they don't love u anymore but they are in love with someone else, something has been taken from us. best to accept it, for what it is, and know that there is absolutely nothing u can do, the more u try to persuade her the more she will move away from u. we have to expect no more from this person, get over the shock, stop denying it, stop believing she will come to her senses and return to u, and move on. get a divorce, don't speak to her anymore. distance yourself from her, and seek out friends who u feel safe with to talk about your pain. even therapy may help some. when this happens to us it rocks our whole world, hurts our ego's, and we loose our self confidence. get into a new relationship once u have healed some, reach out to people, don't let what happened make u feel less of a person, stop blaming this on u, it was her, and her choice. people have free will, and can do whatever they want, in spite of who it hurts. go back and do the things u use to like to do, go on dates, do the things that will boost your self worth, and forget she exists. leave the marriage with your dignity, don't beg, just avoid her. seems like we never really know someone, no matter how many years we have been married to them.

Answer 8

Wow i am so sorry!!! For as long as you guys have been together you may never get over it, nobody ever gets over pain i mean i am still hurt from someone from like 10 years ago!
You just need to get out and do stuff with friends and go to bars or dance clubs with your friends and you never know you may find someone new and just go out into the world again!! But good luck again i am so sorry!!! Also maybe go and talk to a counselor or something.

Answer 9

First and foremost...Im terribly sorry to hear this. Being betrayed by someone you love can be the worst pain in the world. In time the pain will dull. But I dont know if you will ever fully be over it. You will go through different phases with it. such as anger or jealousy or resentment. For me the only thing that helped was to get angry and stay angry untill I just didnt care anymore. Keeping your mind off of it as much as possible helps to and its never to late to find someone new. Good luck to you. This too shall pass.

Answer 10

If you knew this from the get go then why did you go? You must of know about this ..from the start. You will get over the betrayal but it will take some time .. You need to get on with your life.. as in you knew it or something was taking place when it happened. Life goes on .. its hard and i hate it for you.. but THIS TOO SHALL PASS!! You will live again... you will breathe again and yes you will love again. Darkness will turn into daylight. Daylight will turn into love and love will prevail. Wish you luck..