What happened?

Question

My dh and I have been married for 12 years, we have a beautiful three year old daughter, and I have suddenly realized that I don't like him very much at all. In fact, most days I just want to slap him. I stay at work late to avoid him, I try to find reasons not to have sex with him. Do you think maybe there's a problem? I just don't know what has happened. Maybe it's the fact that he never has satisfied me sexually? What do I do?

Answer 1

Was there infidelity? Is he willing to try new things in the bedroom? What is it that has you so angry?

Don't choose a solution until you know exactly what the problem is. Leaving or divorcing is an answer to a symptom. It does not address the illness.

Answer 2

1) You know you feel this way and you dont know why. You have ideas, but you really dont know. If you knew you would address it, and it wouldnt be a problem. You need to be real about that or you are going to buy in to a solution to some problem that isnt yours, and you are going to make mistakes that last the rest of your life.

2) You have to learn who you are. Im guessing you are in your mid-thirties, but you married very young and didnt give yourself a chance to learn who you were before you made the commitment. Now you are finding out that you didnt know yourself. You need to find a way to learn who you really are without throwing away the opportunities and investments in relationships that you have right now. Its a process not an event, so an event-based solution isnt going to work. You have to build a process of finding out who you are, and that doesnt mean by pampering. People find out who and what they are best, most quickly through adversity, especially the kinds of adversities that come from helping or serving other people.

3) If it was intimacy, you would have gotten very pushy and explorative in the bedroom. Did that happen? If you didnt drive him nuts and build a huge fight that hasnt been resolved, and leave him feeling weird and uncomfortable, then its probably not sexual frustration on your part. I think its likely something else.

Answer 3

Counseling time. It sounds like you are overwhelmed; small children are a handful, and there may be some resentment over the amount of work you're doing right now. Get some counseling; it will help you, and help figure out where the both of you are right now in your marriage. Also, pick up a few books, like the Kama Sutra or the Joy of Sex. Take the time to take the baby to the sitter, make a date, and see what happens! You may have hit a rut (many couples do), and satisfaction has to, ahem, sometimes be pointed out. He may genuinely not know what to do. Show him. You'd be surprised how many men really enjoy that. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

Do I think there is a problem? YES!!! By avoiding him the situation is not going to go away but it is just going to continue. You need to learn to deal with these issues, find out what it is that bothers you about him. He has never satisfied you sexually? Perhaps you should talk to him about this, maybe spice it up a little or try some different moves.

Avoiding him won't solve anything, attack the problem head on but first figure out what it is that you don't like about him.

Answer 5

i felt the same way...id go to counsiling and if you want to work it out...id suggest that you do something asap to fix it..otherwise it will get worse..and you will just end up hating him and...well its not very fun to hate somebody you live with. I was married for a year and a half..and it got that way right off the bat right after we were married....but we had other problems becides sexual intimacy. I felt dirty every time he would touch me...we fought constantly and he wouldnt let up...it got to the point where i would have panic attacks..(and i still do when i get into fights with my current bf, luckly he knows when to give up and make me feel better) and i just hated him. It just spawned a bad cycle of cheating and lying...and it got to the point where i wouldnt even go home most the time..id grab cloths and stay at a friends house. Dont let it get to the point where it drives you further away...either work it out or decide what would really make you happy, being with him or without.

Answer 6

For 12 years he has never satisfied you sexually. If you knew this, you should have talked with him about a long time ago.

Now it just seems like you already have a man on the side and you are making excuses.

Answer 7

Draw up a list of expectations you have on him. Write a letter saying that you are angry with him. And go on to say sorry that you been avoid him because.......you fill up the blank.

And the third paragraph you just give some suggestions of how he can work this out with you. Lastly, state that you cared about what is going on and that you have avoid certain problems with him for a long time. But now you want to deal with it cos you felt you are not being fair to him (cos he don't know what is going on in your mind about him). Ask this at the end " are you willing to work things out together?" For the sake of us and our children?

Answer 8

You don't like him and slap him? What is this guy, a saint? Get your act together Hon. You have a daughter to think about. There are ways to work on the sex problem. Do you love him or not? If not, then you better seriously think about your future.

Answer 9

I think all married couples have gone through the same feelings your going through right now. I think with a new child, maybe your expectations for him have gone down some how. Maybe it is your hormones. I went through the very same thing with my husband about 3 yrs ago I would look at him and I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Stick with it, it will pass. Tell him how you feel it may help.

Answer 10

Silly Nut,
You need to think of your baby (do not think of yourself). No one got you into this, you chose to get married so for your daughters sake go to marriage counseling or shut your mouth until she is eighteen. She is the person who will ultimately suffer I hope you are listening (just a word to the wise you have the ultimate decision). The only reason I can find for you to leave is if he abusive to you in anyway verbally or otherwise. Good Luck!