19yr old lazy daughter...Help!!!!?

Question

My 19 year old daughter is driving me crazy. She sleeps all day, up all night watching tv. or out with friends. She makes a mess of the bathroom leaving her towels, and clothes on the floor. She neglects her chores, and discusses inappropriate things around her younger sibs ages 11,9,7. On the weekends she drinks heavily, not like we did when we were kids. She quit school, doesn't have her GED, and has no job. In the state of NY you are responsible for your kids until age 21. So that means I can't kick her out on her azz. Please help!!!!!!

Answer 1

It may actually be good that you can't kick her out because this just may be the worst time in her life for you to kick her out and allow "the world" to be her only influence. At least if she is in your home you can try to influence her even if only in small ways. Any positive influence is better than none.

The thing about the bathroom and the clothes on the floor is normal for a lot of young people that age. That one, I think, is the least of your problems, no matter how objectionable it is.

I would think if you talk to her about not discussing inappropriate stuff in front of the younger kids one of two things could happen: Either she'll at least stop doing that or else would you be able to then ask for the help of the courts in view of the fact that the law wouldn't allow you to ask her to leave and the fact that such talk is bad for the younger kids?

Chances are, though, what looks like "lazy" is more "lack of direction" or even depression. If she quite school she had some issue that made her do that. Faced with the jobs available for people without a diploma or GED, she may actually be depressed. Some of those jobs can require a person overcome a lot of stuff in order to do those jobs well; and if she is depressed she may not have the emotional energy needed to muster up what it would take to do such a job.

I don't mean to make light of what could be or could turn into a drinking problem, but a lot of kids that age drink heavily on the weekends.

There is at least the chance that she was stressed out in school, and too much stress can cause elevated cortisol levels, which make it difficult to concentrate. Too much long-term stress for too long can wear a person out to the point where they are just exhausted and can't do much of anything. Being with friends, though, doesn't take a lot of concentrating or work; so a person can look normal when they get relief by being with their friends.

There's a good chance your daughter is looking at the mess her life is and wondering what on Earth she can do, and if she feels others don't understand then she'll be wondering what she can do alone.

Is there any way you could ask her to go with you to a counselor. Could you tell her it looks like she could have depression and ask if she'll go with you to see if that's true and see if a counselor could help give her some direction or ideas about dealing with any depression?

Could you try to talk to her calmly about what's going, tell her you know she may not know what to do next, and see if you can she can work together with some compromises? What if you told her you'll give her a break on the chores (yet one more demand is how she may see them) if she goes with you to a counselor (or even alone to a counselor) or if she'll get just a part-time job?

A PBS special on the brain said how teenage brains may not be completely mature until early- to mid-twenties. The pre-frontal cortex makes them see things differently, react to other people differently, and tend to have depression.

Other than the thing with talking inappropriately in front of the younger kids, and other than the fact that she quit school and isn't working toward the GED, she sounds very much like a lot of people her age.

Maybe if your daughter won't go to a counselor you could just go for yourself. Maybe you could get some advice and tips from a counselor, and maybe if the counselor was yours your daughter may be willing to go with you "to support" you and see how she could help.

One of the hardest things about almost-grown kids is that the worries they bring are big ones. Some drop out of school, some use drugs or drink, some sleep with whoever, some change their majors ten times, some drive fast, some get abortions, etc. etc. It goes on and on. I'm convinced that no matter how good one's kid is or how nice he/she is, this is an age parents need to wait out while trying to be as much of an influence and support as possible.

I really believe (whether I'm right or not, I don't know) that whenever someone appears "lazy" there are bigger problems underneath and that so-called laziness is not the fault of the person, him/herself. One of the hardest things we have to do sometimes is to overlook and try to understand behavior that is objectionable. Its easy to be understanding when a kid behaves well or is little. Its easy to be understanding and patient when a kid is sick. It isn't easy to figure out what's wrong, be understanding and patient when a kid looks like a grown-up and is behaving in a way that may be the very sign she has a serious problem underneath.

Maybe it will take your daughter a little longer to get her life in order. Maybe her behavior will get worse and worse until she's old enough for you to tell her to go. One of those two things will happen. Why not hunker down and refuse to give up on your own child just yet because no matter how grown up she may look or how grown up you think 19 ought to act, the fact is it seems like she's got some problems and still needs your support and patience.

Answer 2

What a predicament! I was going to say kick her out, or give her a time frame to get out of the house, but I didn't realize the state of NY had that law.....

What you could do, is something my parents did until I was out of the house. If she doesn't straighten up, you take away the privileges of TV and going out with friends. If she doesn't like it, she can leave on her own then....It is your house and you make the rules, so have a family meeting setting the rules for everyone. This will set a good example for your younger children and responsibility as well. Make everyone responsible for something in the house, and just cut back her privileges (along with others privileges) if they are not followed.

This is the only thing I can think of right now, and I hope it helps you. It is hard when you don't know the family personally to give advice catered to their situation. This may work, or it may not work at all - depending on the situation. You can always let her know that she has until she is 21 to change her life around and be on her own, no matter what at 21 she should have her own job and own place......why wouldn't she want that anyway?!

Answer 3

Wow...u really need to talk to this girl or she will end up in bad ways. But maybe she will have to learn the har way. Unfortunatly, if thats the law in your state, then u will have to wait...but that means you have time to help her change her ways. How can she afford her lifestyle if she has no job?? Dont give her any allowance, juts give her the basic nessesities required as a parent, food, shelter, and clothing. She is old enough to take care of her self by now and should at least get her GED, she will have no future if she continues down this path.

Answer 4

Stop her monetary flow for starters. Her friends will eventually get sick of paying her way.

Also, if she isn't in school, she needs to get a job and start paying rent.

Put your foot down. If you are responsible for her, this doesn't mean feeding her and her bad habits. It means showing her who's boss and guiding her to be a productive (if nothing else) member of society.

As far as getting wasted every weekend, you seem to be forgetting that the legal drinking age is 21 in the US. Call the cops on her. She might be angry now, but it will save her future. Plus, it sounds like a night in jail might do her some good.

Answer 5

Well......If Your At the Point were You what to kick her out i would have a serious talk with her......

"accidently" set her alarm clock to 9;00 I the morning........
"accidentllyy" sign her up for a job that she might be instrested in and will give her a resonable amount of cash

And for the drinking....your her mother you have to simply tell her to stop and not start again....if she is that uncontrolable i would get serious help or even ask if she can stay at a relatives house that is strong and will inforce you new rules.....i would make her go back to school also.....
and if she happens to have a car take it away.......

And stop giving her money and let her know that going to schoola nd getting a ajob will give her twice the amount you let her have....

Good Luck =)

Answer 6

This is going to seem a bit harsh, but...you have to strip her of EVERYTHING. That is a bit radical and tough...but lets face it, she needs to realize that you are the parent and(as cliche as this might sound) as long as she is living under your roof she will need to live by your rules.

Take EVERYTHING away from her. Leave her with a bed and a pillow, take it all, even the sheets. Take her door down. Im a 19 year old myself and what I value most in my parent's house in my rom. It gives me privacy and its my own little sanctuary away from all the stuff going on in my house.

Im a Psychology major and the first things you learn in the most basic psychology class is that good parenting is not only fun and games...you have to be strict with your child (not a nazi either). I suggest you have her earn her priviledges back. Every little step she takes in the right diretion, you give her a little something back. You pay for her car/gas? Take it away. You pay her phone bill? Take it away. All she gets is room and board. a bed to sleep in and food in the fridge.

You MUST explain to her that she destoying her life. She wont realize it now, but you are doing this for her own good. Its tough love. And as much as her words will hurt, as much pain you may feel for being soo strong on her, you HAVE to be adamant about your new rules. SLowly she has to get her life in order. Im not gonna lie, I drink...NOT every weekend! I go to school, haave a part time job, and I have a social life. Its not impossible. She can have her cake and eat it too as long as she shapes up. shes got to get a job. Maybe she doesnt think she wants to go to school or cant make it...schools not for everyone. She definatley has to get a job. If her job cant pay for all the stuff she takes for granted from you, then she'll realize she's gotta get her act togther.

Answer 7

When I was 19 I went through something like that, I didnt work, didnt finish high school ( by one freaking course, so stupid) didnt do any housework.

I didnt however drink or do that to my siblings so half of me thinks you should try to be patient like my mum was with me.

But at the same time, if shes your responsibility then make home life for her hard. Charge her rent, she is out of school so its perfectly acceptable, make her do her chores even if you have to stand over her ( if you have time of course) Don't let her go out with her friends even if you have to tie her up. The bottom line is you may be responsible for her but I'd go with the age old, my rules, my house.

Answer 8

Simple, just call 911 and say "I would like to report an automobile theft" a few nights in jail is enough to cure any daughter of being laxident. And if you are worrying about rape, remember this; it is unconstitiutional for prisioners to 'rape' one another and thus, if rape occurs, the state can be sued and is liable for the offense. Basically, your daughter will NOT be touched in any inappropiate way, and if she is, at least she is finacially supporting you.

Sloth allways deserves to be punished.

Answer 9

first of all she doesn't have a job, make sure you and your partner don't give her any money until she learns to respect herself and most important her family. have a sit down with her and calmly ask her why she dose what she dose, sometimes kids act out to piss the parent off if the parent has hurt them. but explain to her that YOU need her because she is very valuable to you and come to some sort of compromise. something like Monday to Thursday she helps you works or finishes her studies and Friday to Sunday it will be her time. sometimes the more you push away the more it gets harder.

Answer 10

OK .. you are the parent, right? Who is financing this lazy wench? If it is you, stop it. Since you are responsible for her until 21, you have enormous power. For instance, if she is drinking heavily, order her to have a chemical dependency evaluation. Use the courts if you have to. It is unacceptable for you to allow this "mess" to act that way around younger children. Be the parent!