I'm just curious. I know of instances close to home where one stepfather did adopt immediately, and another instance where the stepfather's been married for 9 years, never adopted the child. In the first example, the step was previously married with two kids, and custody was shared between him and his first wife. In the latter, the step was never married before, his wife (also never married before) had a daughter then she got pregnant with their first child together (a boy).
The step's relationship with both kids does not appear to be biased, but now that he and the wife are going through a divorce, he pays less attention to his stepdaughter.
What I wanna know is, why did he never adopt her? Is the way he treats her now the way he's truly felt about her all these years? Or is there something else going on?
2007-01-15 08:50:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Most of your answers are really great so far, thank you. I guess I'm just wondering why he's acting differently towards the daughter, if his decision not to adopt from the beginning was an indication of "things to come," like the crumbs of the proverbial cake, not the icing. After his son was born he immediately got a vasectomy -- another crumb. I tend to think he never wanted the marriage, never wanted kids -- so why jump in with one foot? Why not both feet? The wife and child were a package deal, and I feel like him not adopting the child said he didn't really want the whole package.
I'm just venting, so thanks for all your input folks!
2007-01-15 09:25:27 · update #1
While it is possible that he loved his stepdaughter his heart never accepted her as belonging to him. It was sort of like he got the privilidge of being with her but always knowing she would never truly be his. There are many people who don't view adoption as making that child their own and many who do. It is an individual thing and not an indication that there is something lesser about the child in question. It doesn't lessen her value at all.
Don't compare the man going thru the divorce process with the one who was in love with his wife. Divorce does ugly things to people and brings out the worst in them.
2007-01-15 08:59:26 · answer #1 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The second stepfather you are talking about only had an emotional commitment to the stepdaughter because he loved the mother. That is why his attitude to the stepdaughter has changed since the divorce. I'm sorry this happened as it must be confusing to the little girl. Bless her heart!!
As to why the stepdad did not adopt, there could have been all kinds of reasons, and you can take your pick:
1. He didn't want to adopt her.
2. The child's biological father did not want to give up his parental rights to the child.
3. The adoption process is long and rough to handle.. and quite expensive.
4. The stepdad didn't want to have to pay child support if he divorced the mom one day...and he definitely would have to do that if he adopted the child.
All are valid reasons. None of them are good. I'm sorry for the kids.
2007-01-15 09:06:04 · answer #2 · answered by Peanut 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I am in a reverse of the situation you described. I married a man when I was 26 who was 35 and had 2 children from a previous marriage where the real mom walked out on them. The kids were 11 and 3 and no offense to anyone but I thank my lucky stars I didn't adopt them and I don't think I ever would. First, it's like most have said that the biological absent parent would have to give permission for the adoption. Basically, I think giving up all future rights they may have. For me, it's been an extreme challenge raising someone else's child. You never realize how much contact the absent parent may have via phone calls, emails, or letter communication. How much he could have heard, "your not my dad." Also, we went to counselling and they said no matter how bad the biological parent was that walked out on the child--that child would always long for him or her to return. For me it's been hard to blend my parenting skills from my upbringing to match that of my husbands and even harder for us to agree on rules and how things should go. Even worse, now that I've hit 31 I feel resentment that I have no children of my own. So, you never really know what was going through Step #2's head. He could have just thought it was not his responsibility and best he didn't get involved.
2007-01-15 11:51:35 · answer #3 · answered by Screaming Banshee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what I comprehend (at least here in Illinois, now not definite about big apple), as I had a friend who went via this. Right here in IL, that you may legally undertake someone elses youngster if the other mother or father has reduce off all contact from the youngster for 7 years. That means the parent hasnt called or obvious there youngster in any respect. But yes, definetly get a attorney. Or considering that the daddy is this sort of lifeless beat, why dont you see if he'll sincerely signal his rights over totally.
2016-08-10 12:20:54 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My guess is if he adopts her and the marriage doesnt work out the mother can then claim various amounts of money to continue looking after the child.
2007-01-15 08:55:03 · answer #5 · answered by Cool Dude 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
from what I understand (a minimum of here in Illinois, uncertain approximately huge apple), as I had a chum who went via this. here in IL, you could legally undertake somebody elses baby if the different confirm has decrease off all touch from the baby for 7 years. which potential the confirm hasnt talked approximately as or seen there baby in any respect. yet confident, definetly get a criminal professional. Or simply by fact the daddy is this variety of ineffective beat, why dont you spot if he will actual sign his rights over thoroughly.
2016-10-20 06:07:14 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, men view step children as kinda an elephent in the room. Men (as a rule) view sex differently then women do. It's kinda hard to describe. I am in the same situation with my fiance. She has a daughter that is 5 months younger than mine, both our kids are from seperate marriges. I will never adopt her daughter.
2007-01-15 08:56:08 · answer #7 · answered by nshappe 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sometimes they can't adopt them unless the other parent gives up their right as a parent. It might have been as simple as that. Now that they are not together he feels he doesn't need to support her anymore.
2007-01-15 08:56:37 · answer #8 · answered by smile4u 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it just depends. my stepfather never adopted me because my mother wouldn't let him. to do so, she would have had to contact my real dad and she was too selfish to do that. and my mother would not allow him rights to visit me. i found out later he tried to get custody of me. which was not granted. but my mother was the sole reason our relationship went sour after they divorced.
sometimes it's the birth mother that interferes. so keep that in mind.
2007-01-15 09:09:33 · answer #9 · answered by Bella 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he figured eventually they'd get divorced and he didn't want to be saddled with child support. Who knows.
2007-01-15 08:55:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋