Someone I know is curious about and seriously considering "the operation"?

Question

An older person that I'm very close to has been struggling with his identity for the past few months. I am going shopping with him for clothes, make-up, and all that go along with being a woman because out of the blue he thinks that he'd rather be a woman. This is the strongest man I know, I'm not too sure how to handle all of this at once. He's trusting me not to tell anyone, including his family. He wants me to help him hide these clothes until he's ready to announce everything. I'm starting to get worried though that maybe this isn't the right answer. He's dealt with so much stress his whole life and I don't know how this is going to help him out at all. I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone have any advice for me??

Answer 1

there is a big difference between being transgendered and being transsexual..

i can totally relate to the gender issue. i do not feel comfortable living by the "masculine" rules society has created for males..

i basically live as a man when i am outside my home, but as a woman when i am home alone.. very rarely, i will "present" myself in femine ways in public, but these are usualy done at places where such presentation is acceptable or is in a place where there are few people (quite neighborhoods at night, and secluded beaches, for example).

i am also uncomfortable with the masculine role males are supposed to have and display with sex. this is the one part of being transgendered that really hits on the sex side.

i love women, but the thought of vaginal sex really seems uncomfortable. so far, i have only gone as far as oral.

anyway, transsexual is much further and deeper. these men literally hate their body and hate their penis. they can't accept who they are and feel they can't be their true selves unless they have their penis removed, have a neo-vagina created, and have breasts grown.

cutting off a penis is a huge and irreversable decision. the biggest difference is that you'll never have an orgasm ever again. i love masturbating and do it 3 times a day.. i will NEVER lose my penis.

many transgendered will go so far as to take female hormones so they can have a female body, grow breasts, but still maintain their penis and their true male sexuality..

there is also a big different between a man who wants to occasionally show off their feminine side, and the man who wants to transform to present themselves as a woman 24/7 (with or without changing sex)

check out these three sites...

http://tsroadmap.com
http://nikaaskini.com/
http://www.reneereyes.com/

nika is a wonderful transgendered person who took the challenging step of transforming from man to woman. she lives her life 24/7 as a woman yet still maintains and enjoys "her" penis. as you will see, she is one of the most beautiful looking women in the world..

renee also presents 24/7, but most of her website talks about the story of how a guy can express himself as a woman now and then, usually by changing appearance and going out to cross-dressing bars and clubs on weekends.

i haven't checked out much of the road map site, but it generally gives advice on how to sort out all these different feelings

bottom line, after doing some reading, a gender therapist is the best place to go afterwards. this person will helo your friend decide if and when and how to transform

it's obviously a long process.. nika took 3-4 years to complete the transformation process. the years of hormones and body adjustment must have been really physcially grueling.. i have so much respect for her, you have no idea!

good luck!

Answer 2

A few months isn't long enough to struggle with gender identity to consider getting sexual reassignment surgery done.

Be supportive about his cross-dressing but encourage him to search within himself before he takes that step.

I've known people that have literally suffered for decades who still don't want to jump in for the surgery because they aren't completely sure.

"Out of the blue" isn't a good indication that this person knows what they want set in stone yet. "Out of the blue" is also a good indicator that he wants to get this done because he doesn't like himself because others don't like him...it's NOT a good indicator that he feels he was born the wrong gender. If he merely "thinks" he would rather be a woman, he's not doing the right thing getting the surgery. He should live as a woman, doing just what you said he has started doing by living his life as a female for at least a couple of years before he takes that leap. The fact that he's hiding this stuff is a bad sign too. It's proof that he doesn't like himself because he thinks others don't like or accept him for who he is. He should "come out" first and deal with what life hands to him after that and maybe he'll start to love himself for the person he is and realize that a gender reassignment isn't necessary.

To put it another way, if he wants to get the operation done because he doesn't like himself, that's the wrong reason. Chances are he will still dislike himself in a woman's body and a radical surgery isn't the answer.

Answer 3

First of all, she has been a woman all along. Men can never become women, they have to be born with the heart, mind, and soul of a woman just like in the case of your friend. This is not a sudden decision. This is something we struggle with our entire lives until we fix it. It is not the case of a man becoming a woman, but a woman who was forced to live as a man is now coming to terms with herself and correcting her birth condition.

Just be supportive of your friend. Urge her to find a therapist. The therapist will help sort out the feelings. If the therapist is confident that she is truly a TS and not a transgendered man pretending to be a woman, or someone merely dressing for stress-related reasons stemming from a job or mid-life crisis, then the therapist can help write the referrals for hormones and surgery.

Now, stress can play a role, but not the way it is for a crossdresser or the way most people think. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to spend years pretending to be someone else and being good at it. Very often, as a person gets older, they realize their time is ticking away, and they look back at the wasted years they spent pretending to be someone else and trying to get others to like them. So all of a sudden, the pressure from living as a member of the wrong gender, and the natural pressure that aging causes all comes together. Gender conflict does not get better on its own. If you neglect it for years, it will come out one way or another, and on its own if it needs to.

This may be uncomfortable for you, but which would you rather have? A new female friend, or a dead male friend? Like I said, gender conflict does not simply go away or get better on its own. If a person with the conflict has nobody to talk to and feels transition is unacceptable, they may mutilate or kill themselves.

Answer 4

It will not be has easy has he thinks to change such operations often hold councilling and pychologial evaluations
The only thing you can do is what you are doing keep his secret talk to him about his reasonings why he wants to change
there is a site he can use on the internet to meet like minded people if you want it email me i dont like to just give it out anymore.
Dont worry be his friend he wont be able to just go out and get it done in a few days.

Answer 5

No reputable surgeon would ever perform a gender reassignment surgery to someone who has not gone through extensive counseling and lived as a woman for a least a full year. This is a requirement among GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgeons)

Answer 6

Be there for your friend and let them know that you'll be there. Also, if you think the person's mental health is in jeopardy it might be a good idea to suggest them seeing a therapist about this. If your friend does plan to go through all the stages of transition they'll need a therapist's approval for some of it anyways.

Answer 7

I'm not sure, but I think all sex reassignment patients are required to go to counseling before they get the operation.