My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We've been through a LOT together. We almost split up at one time but we missed eachother a lot and ended up back together. I've always felt that we needed a third party to help us out with our issues, but every time I bring it up she disagrees with it. Now to be fair, I know she wants to resolve these issues but for some reason she doesn't want it to be through a marriage counselor. Why is that? And what should I do? If we don't get some help soon things could get pretty hairy in the not too distant future...
2007-01-15 08:10:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Alas my friend it looks as if you are going to be the one who must lead by example.
Step up to the plate here.
You go out and find it for YOU.
Worry only about where you are going wrong..Not her
When you do find it ( the key to effective communication), it will be so profoundly lasting that I promise you she will want some of it.
Programmes are only as good as the people who facilitate them.
Dont give up because one self developement programme or marriage counsellor didnt suit.
Try try again McGregor
2007-01-18 22:30:19 · answer #1 · answered by tillermantony 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i wish my husband was as open to counseling as you are. There could be many reasons why your wife doesn't want to talk to a counselor. let's entertain the negative ones:
* bad therapy experience or trauma in the past
* doesn't see any problems
* is aware that she has problems and fears being revealed in a session
* is afraid "everyone" will find out she's in therapy and "what will they all think"
* thinks therapy is the first step in you leaving her
* she's a controlling person and if she says no then it means no
Now for the potential positive reasons:
* doesn't want to involve a third person into your intimate world
* it's too much money - let's go on vacation instead - or whatever
* therapy interferes with an ongoing appointment she already has or is only offered during working hours and she can't go
* "if you loved me enough, we could fix this honey..."
and others you can think of. The way I see it is if someone refuses therapy as a solution, then they should come up with another solution. Trial and error.
Of course, my husband is the same as your wife, controlling. A coworker told me the best you can do is tell them their behavior is inappropriate and non nurturing and if they don't change, you will leave them.
2007-01-15 08:33:32 · answer #2 · answered by El Pajaro Loco 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is only 'ONE' reason why a spouse refuses to go to
marriage counceling!!!!
'They 'KNOW' that the 'truth' will be known by someone else.
And that 'truth' is, that they 'know' they are the one with the
most serious problems, which of course is the major culprit..
I was told this by a 'real' marriage councelor several years ago.
And after I thought about it, it made perfect sense.
Your wife will not go because she 'knows' she is mostly to blame for your problems, and because of her 'pride', she doesn't want
anyone else to know, neither does she want ot admit it!!
And marriage counceling 'makes' you face a lot of 'skeletons in your closet' so to speak!!
If you feel a third party would be a great help, it shows YOU are really concerned about the relationship, but sorry to say, your
wife is more concerned about her image and 'ego'..
2007-01-15 16:24:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In several of your older questions . . . I mentioned that I was going to mention the reason why she is avoiding counseling.
She is afraid . . . afraid the touch the hurt and the pain her tramatic experience of her youth . . . being molested, raped and beaten . . . she tried escaping utilizing drugs and having sex with as many people as possible, doing all sorts of things . . . that she lost all sense of self. She doesn't want to accept it . . . yet she want to wear it as an accomplishment . . . of what . . . that she did it or that she survived. F***, I am a survivor too, except . . . I was on the streets when I was barely a teenager. I did what I had to survive, and I don't take it out on the people I love. But I had help too. And she needs help too, tell her it is either that . . . or divorce. Tell her that you will be with her all the way, you are there to support her and to help her get through this. But you both need this, especially her.
2007-01-17 07:43:14 · answer #4 · answered by Tag Your It 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She might just not want to go to a stranger to tell all of her most intimate details about her life. If you are really serious about seeking help talk to her about someone the two of you could trust not to take sides agreeing to settle it privately.
Remember marriage takes a lot of compromise just because she is being stubborn about going to a counsellor doesn't mean you have to be hardheaded.
Just because she will not go to a marriage counsellor doesn't mean she wouldn't like to get some kind of help.
Good Luck I hope you can make it work out.
2007-01-15 08:25:15 · answer #5 · answered by eve 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people fear counseling because they don't want someone else telling them that they may be a part of the problem. Facing the truth can be very hurtful. You should let her know that you are not blaming her and that you would like to find out ways that the BOTH of you can benefit from this. Good luck!
2007-01-15 08:18:36 · answer #6 · answered by swtz69drmz 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she just wants you to take the rap and get counseling. Maybe she has done things she is ashamed of (not necessarily wrong) and knows if you get in front of a counselor together it will end up coming out.
2007-01-15 08:17:27 · answer #7 · answered by justbeingher 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It may be from either being embarrassed by what other may think of you having to go to counseling (tell her no one has to know), or she may feel a lot of te problems you are having are her fault, and doesn't want to take responsibility for them. You NEED to sit her down, and ask her EXACTLY why she is choosing not to go. If nothing else, go yourself.
2007-01-15 08:20:31 · answer #8 · answered by purpledragonflyjrh 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps she is scared of what would be revealed in the sessions? Not that one of you is cheating or anything, what I'm saying is what if she's thinking that you two end up deciding splitting up for good due to revelations occurring in your sessions....Just a thought.
2007-01-15 08:17:51 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go without her if she won't come. The thought of you sitting there telling "your side" of things will make her crazy..she will enventually come along.
I am very impressed with your clarity in this situation. Most men don't like the idea of counseling. You are very progressive!
2007-01-15 08:16:27 · answer #10 · answered by Jennifer D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋