I really need help with this. no jokes please?

Question

When I was around 6 years old I was sexually abused by one of my closet friends he was around 13 at the time. This had went on for about 2 years I never saw him again. Now that I am 19 years old. I feel that I am a very confused person because I'm still a virgin. I don't kno if I'm gay or straight. I have an attraction to men. But I never had Sexual contact with them. But a part of me doesn't want to be gay. I really like women but I'm not phiscally attracted to women.But I really want to be married have childrenand have a realtionship. But I am just so confused. I'm afraid if thatI lose my virginity to a man that I might be gay the rest of my life.I'm trying really hard not to take that road. (I mean really hard.)Do I need to talk to a shrink. because i don't want to talk to anyone that really knows me. So whoever reads this please be repesctful. again please excuse
me for this long question but thank you for taking your time to thinkof an answer and replying. Again Thank

Answer 1

I appreciate your sincere question and I will give you a sincere reply. I'm sorry to hear about the sexual abuse. Even if it wasn't painful, it is very confusing for a child and almost invariably requires the help of a therapist to sort it all out.

Although I'm not gay myself (I'm bisexual), I am dating a gay man right now whose experience was very similar to yours. The sexual abuse happened when he was older and didn't continue for so long. When he grew up, he found himself atrracted to men, not women. He thought it was wrong and didn't act on his feelings. When he was 27, out of loneliness and because he could (sexully perform with a woman), he got married. He told her he was bisexual and didn't hide anything from her.

As the years went by, he became less and less able to have sexual contact with her. At first, he was able to do it by fantasizing about men while he was having sex with her. But eventually, he could no longer even do that. Even cuddling with her became disgusting. She turned to alcohol to compensate for the lack of intimacy in her marriage. He turned to running and became a marathon runner. Finally, after 28 years, they divorced and my friend, who had never cheated on her, at the age of 55 became free to pursue his dreams.

A very sad story. Two lives were affected - not just one.

You say you don't want to be gay. No one wants to be gay. Some accept it more readily than others, but for many, self acceptance is a struggle and takes courage. I'm not saying you're gay; I have no idea if you are - I don't know you. But if you're attracted to men and not women, that's a pretty good indication.

Find a therapist. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me.

Answer 2

Hi,

You're very brave and smart to ask this question. Sexuality is something that you can't really decide for yourself and your feelings are completely valid.

So, you're attracted to men. That is part of who you are and, in the end, *all you can ever be is yourself* so don't be afraid of being gay - the fear will confuse you more than the sexuality.

When you accept everything about yourself that is uncomfortable, including your sexuality, you will be able to sort out your feelings.

If you trust that you will meet someone who will change your life, your perspectives; someone you fall in love with - then I'm sure you'll find it in yourself to make a family happen, whether it be with a man or woman.

Talk to a shrink if you want to. It helps to share your anxieties and it will help with your childhood trauma too.

Answer 3

Well i wont be able to help you too much but I can give you couple of advices that most of the people already in a way addressed here, like seeing a professional help. Now mind you, you need that help only to clear your head on passed abuse that still live in you. Shrink would definitely be a good help in this. They deal with people like you all the time, because trust me there are a lot of people like you out there.....unfortunately there are.
Now when it comes to your confusion of who you really find attractive....woman or man then you just need to take your time. Dont judge too quick that woman is not physically attracting you. There need to be one out there that can make str8 up gay man straight like indian hair. So dont run to conclusions just yet. But then again its all up to you.....if you so into men and you think thats what you are all about then go for it, but thats not where you can find marriage, family and YOUR kids.

Answer 4

Oh sweetheart. I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was a small child. It ruined my life. I am a lesbian, and honestly I think it is because of my abuse. I never spoke to a professional about it, so I really urge you to do so. I think from what you have said, you are confused. I was and still am sometimes, and I am 40. I don't want to see you waste your life being confused. It also sounds like you really want to take the straight road. So please sweetheart talk to a professional, they will help you so much more than any friend or family or even us on here could.
Good Luck!

Answer 5

Maybe you are bisexual?have you thought of that?Why are you so against being gay and being with a man if you find men attractive?It sounds very confusing and the past doesn't help with what you are going through.Try and let things happen on their own.one day you will meet someone,male or female,and you will just know that you have met the right person.If you are confused at the moment then let it take a back seat for a while whilst you get your head around thoughts and feelings

Answer 6

I don't care what other people think or say, I think you are not a gay. I think you are confused because of the abuse you gotten when you were young. The attraction to men came because of the experience you had when you were young. The fact that you want to get married and have children shows that you have a hidden desire inside of you to be loved by a woman instead of a man (emotionally and physically). I think you will better understand your own feelings once you have sex with a woman. Why don't you try it to define your own feelings? In any case I suggest you not to become a gay. You should try harder. Man are just created for women naturally. Other types of relationships are deviant.

Answer 7

listen honey, you are either gay or not. Having sex with a man isn't going to "turn" you gay. If you are having sex with them, you are already gay.
I can see where you would be confused. Your first and only sexual experience was with a male of a semi authority figure.
Maybe you are just more comfortable sticking with what you know(no pun intended really!), you are the ony one who can decide this. Even if you are gay, doesn't mean your desire to have a family goes away. Go talk to a shrink, they may not be able to help you with your sexuality, but they can help you get your past in check.
Good luck.

Answer 8

First of all, let me just say that what happened to you at such an early age does happen (unfortunately), and there is not an awful lot that you can do about it unless you are willing to speak with someone about it, because it sounds to me, like it something which you think has made you feel the way you do now.

I am not affraid to say so on here, but as a child of 12 I too was abused, and it was horrific, I was a very trusting young lad and also a very independant individual at an early age. I found that this was due to my realisation that I was different (gay). I felt I had to be. However, I did need to speak with someone and I actually felt I could speak with my school Tutor, who helped to arrange a councillor to speak with.

Yes it did turn my life upside down and also affected the way I felt, but until I had fully dealt with what had happened to me, which was not something that happened overnight, I knew I could never take back the control of my life that I once had. I guess I was about 15 when I finally took back that control, by speaking with my mum and my family and explaining what had happened to me, of course they were very upset, but only because they felt like they were unable to help me or that I could not come to them for help. But just like you, that was something that I could not tell them until I felt it was right. And I am hoping that eventually one day you too will also be able to discuss this with your family.

In regards to you still being a virgin at 19, ask yourself if this is a big deal, I would say no it is not at all.

As for your feelings towards men, again this is not a big deal, if you are gay. However you do mention that you do not want to be gay. Again ask yourself why? It is possible that you are just still dealing with the trauma that you experienced as a child. You also say that you have no physical attraction towards women and have had no sexual experience with another guy even though you are attracted to guys. It is very normal for someone like yourself, especially since you are still in this place of unrest, with your past to have mixed feelings and emotions. I completely understand your dilemma. And I feel for you I really do.

And as for your wanting to have children of your own, again this is a natural feeling and emotion, that anyone can have be them straight or gay. I too wish to have children of my own, but understandably I will not be having children the conventional way, as I am not in a hetrosexual relationship. I have been with my boyfriend (soon to be married) for some time now, and we have discussed alternative options such as adoption. We have also had an interview with someone from an adoption agency, and just to let you know that there are so many options we did not even know about. So please what ever you do, dont worry about children at the moment as whichever way you decide to go in life and whatever will make you happy in being the person you truly are, you will be able to still be the father to a child whether its one you adopt or father naturally.

If you feel the need to contact me please feel free to do so at [e-mail]

If you do decide to go see a councillor, make sure NOT to hold anything back, it is a 100% confidential between you and them, they are a very great help.

I honestly wish you all the very best of luck and strength to help you choose the right "track" in life, and am sure that when you are on the right path which ever it may be, I am sure that you will be happy and back in control of your emotions, true feelings and most importantly your life.

Good luck and take care Mr

Gary

p.s please excuse my long answer :-)

Answer 9

First of all, you have to remember that there is nothing wrong with you either way you choose to go. The important thing is that you have enough guts to examine what you are going through, instead of drinking and drugs to cover it up.
2nd: Find a good counselor who knows about this sort of thing exactly. This is important because not all counselors can be treated equally. They have problems, too, just like everyone. If you find one you don't like, find another one.
3rd: Whatever you do, do not give up on yourself. You are too important to this world to allow that to happen. Keep searching for the right counselor for you, not for anyone else and because somebody who doesn't know what you are going through says that this guy or woman is the best. Watch out for those. You must have the right counselor for you and you only.
4th: Have courage, my friend. Honestly search for answers that make you happy. Open your eyes to your good heart. Don't be afraid to love someone.
5th: Remember: YOU are the most important part of you. Now, don't forget and don't let anyone into your space that's not working for your happiness. You have to put yourself first on this one.
Good Luck!

Answer 10

I think you need to seek some professional help to help you deal with the abuse you suffered. Seems a little to me like you are scared of being close, you are confused because you have not really been able to deal with the abuse you suffered when you where younger. Whether you are gay / straight or bi is irrelevant, you need to find you and understand who you are. Those around you that care will also be able to help, may be discussing things with your mum? or close family member may help you make the first step. Failing that go to see your GP.

Hope this helps