need help dealing with a situation...with in laws?

Question

my husbands sister is up visiting their moms house and we've been invited to dinner. shes has 3 kids and i have 1 and im currently pregnant. his sister and mom are very rude not to hurt feeligns but because they dotn agree with our lifestle (we're a 2 income family and live in a very very small house). they always make comments on how i work and how we have so little yet both of them are housewives and live in pretty big homes. to them the owman shouldnt work and how can we have such a poor lifestyle yet we both work. it sounds unreal and forever i thought it was just always a bad nightmare but NOPE these people are cruel. and after we see them even for the few hours a few times a year im in tears and feel like a complete loser and my husband never says anthing to them but then gets home and vents on me. now we have dinner with them tonight and my stomach is turning i dotn want to go but we have to, any suggestions of how to deal with this?

my husbands never mad at me but i have to hear how awful they are instead of him telling them to shut their mouths!!

Answer 1

Huney, you gotta put them in their place. You have to do it before it goes too far. Let them know that you will not be disrespected any longer.
If you have respect for yourself you will say something.
At the dinner table say something along the lines of:

"I know you are concerned about our children's welfare, but I will no longer be disrespected by you. You are being unfair and inapproporiate and frankly they are my children and I can make that you never see them or have contact with them again. I refuse to be verbally abused everytime we get together. Shame on you for intentionally hurting me and my husbands feelings and jeopardizing our relationship. I will not argue about this or discuss this any more than that, this is final and I am demanding some respect starting today or you will trully be sorry. "

If they continue you pack up the children and immediately leave and say something like "Sorry we are not good enough for you, I'll make your life easier and just get out of it, enjoy your dinner!"
Even if your husband doesn't leave, take the keys (you should have them before you start this whole thing) and just drive away" If your husband refuses to support his wife and leave with his family then he can find a ride home.

You must do this or you will hate yourself for not standing up for yourself. If they choose to cut off contact, so be it, that's the worse case scenario. Chances are they will no you are not to be reckoned with and will show more respect to you.

I never believed in "treat others how you wanted to be treated" that is all BS because it's human nature to treat others like crap and if you let them they do it more and more.

Good luck and be strong, you have to for your marriage and for your children.

Answer 2

I have same problem only reversed my wife's family is well off and they do not work and her sister is married to a doctor and she doesn't work either, so I hear the rude remarks that we both work and their houses are bigger than ours and they drive new cars every year, her sister bought both the kids new cars when they turned 16. my son is driving a 96 pickup, so I know just what your are dealing with.
Just ignore them buy berating you it makes them feel superior.
If they give you crap about working tell them at least your are helping to support your family.
Or as I once told my father in law who asked me why I didn't make more money so his daughter would not have to work.
I said I could make more but we would have to move to California and you wouldn't get to see her but once a year so as I see it it's your fault she won't move so how about sharing the wealth and giving us half now instead of waiting till you pass on.
Once they figure out I had a backbone and wasn't going to take their crap they backed off and now thier easy to get along with.
Yes this did cause a fight between my wife and I but it only happened once and that was many years ago.
you need to stand up for your self and don't expect help from your husband as he would have a problem standing up to his own family.
If nothing else make sure you have to leave to get back with the kids just before the check comes, sounds like they can afford to buy dinner.
Good luck

Answer 3

It doesn't sound like you have much of a chance getting out of dinner. Survive through dinner tonight. Then think about why you let your husband and other people treat you like the way you do. It sounds like you have some self-esteem issues. I think if you can scrape enough money together, you should visit a therapist and discover why you allow yourself to be treated like that. Also, the longer you let this go on, the more your children will see this behavior and start treating you the same way.

Answer 4

Hey you need to let your sil and mil know how u feel. U cant keep pent up anger. I did for 3 yrs of marriage and had lot of health problems. i developed dizziness and breathlessness.But last time i gave them back both my fil and sil and glad i did . they went on and on when the fault was my hubby's he was abusive.Now the damage is done i still get dizziness and breathlessness when i am tensed.
So no point telling your husband or breaking your head over .Talk to the cause of the problem . Tell them you wont take it.Now my Sil and FIL dont talk nonsense blaming me for everything but damage is done.See its your life u decide what to do with it. Its your home and your pride. Nobody has the rights to tell your what to do be in SIL/MIL or anybody. Take care. best of luck.
Think like this You are a smart independent working woman who contributes a little bit more to both financially and mentally to family.

Answer 5

I recently read a book that was AMAZING. I got so much insight into my relationship situations (and a little into my own character flaws ) that I was compelled to read 3 books by the authors and am using some of the information to rectify conflicts in several situations with "Difficult people".
Go to your library and check out the books written by Dr Rick Brinkman & Dr Rick Kirschner. Start with "Dealing with Relatives (Even if you can't stand them!)" about bringing out the best in family at their worst.
Generally what it talks about it how each person has specific needs and when these needs are not met in social situations or interactions they become terrible people to deal with. The secret is figuring out what their need is so you can communicate with them effectively and diffuse the situation before they have power over you (and other people they deal with) that turn you into unpleasant people too.

Answer 6

When they make comments like that you should TELL them how it hurts your feelings immediately. Say something like, "I'm happy for you that you have a nice, big house and that your husband's income is such that you can afford to be a stay-at-home mom. But not everyone is so lucky. Most families have two working parents these days. We are doing the best we can and it hurts our feelings when you make comments like that. Please don't do it anymore!"

Answer 7

Sounds like you tried the IGNORE them routine before. Small people are often rude and cruel, other than speaking up for your own family and ways, telling them it is none of their business about your finances, I'd say don't go. If you speak up they most likely won't talk to you or invite you to their home anymore than if you just refused to go. I'd take the less of two evils and just not go, to your husband since it is his family the situation is coming from, I'd say tell him to go if he wants to and explain the situation from your stand point. If he takes it out on you afterwards your no better off than if you went and he takes it out on you when you get home.

Answer 8

Why do you get upset when others judge you and comment about your lifestyle? Are you ashamed of your lifestyle? if not dont bother what others think of you. Go to dinner and ask them how they can contribute to better your lifestyle instead of wailing about it.

If you are ashamed of your lifestyle then do something about it. Try to earn more. Read the life stories of many successful people who have amassed a fortune in their own lives. TRY TO EMULATE THEM. Your in-laws are telling you that you deserve a better life style and you are`doing nothing about it. Look at it positively and not negatively.

There is no use in trying to keep up to others expectations. Live your own life and dont attach too much importance to their views. It looks`like you cannot handle rejections. If your in-laws reject or disapprove your life style then you feel bad becoz you want them to appreciate your life style. Why should they appreciate? Why do you need their appreciation? Are they living the life style of Bill Gates or Warren Buffet? If not tell them that they are many peole whose life style is better than theirs and ask them to live beyond their means.

Answer 9

If your husband isn't man enough to say anything then maybe you should. You only see them a few times a year and all that they want to do is down you your husband should tell them that it is your descision how you live and that if they want to see you then they need to talk about something else besides how you live.

Talk to your husband before you go and let him know how you feel. Maybe if he is in a bad mood before he goes he will say something to his family.

I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK

**

Answer 10

to deal with close-minded in laws, is to not deal with them at all you realy have to put some thing to the side and go on i guest that day some one woke up on the wrong side of the bed, it happens alot with in laws.and about been left handed doesn't have to do with right and wrong, ia'm also left handed, so is my son , one of my brother and 2 of our grand-kids, we all can use both hands but that is not the case. my mom tried to corrected it , by puting things back in my right hand and she told me she gave up, because i will change it right back to my left hand, so been left-handed is not a crime, nor a sin,it's just different, next time they bother you again, tell them know you feel, because they don't know you well, since it has taken them a long time to noticed this simple thing about you, Shame ON Them,don't worry about that, this is not important at all.Don't let your in-laws stress you out. Peace.