Is my wife "too experienced?"?

Question

When my wife and I first got together, I was well aware of the fact that she had been through a lot. She had been on drugs, been through a physically abusive marriage, had been raped, and had even been molested by her Uncle. Some people would call my wife "damaged goods" but I don't see it that way. Early on, she made it very clear that she had had many sexual partners: She's told me about having sex with more than one person in a day, she's told me a story about how a man with an extraordinarily large penis put her in the hospital, I mean all kinds of stuff. I know she wasn't flaunting this or anything because she had very low self esteem at the time and I guess she figured her sex stories were sort of a badge of honor for her. But now it seems like she has no sex drive...I mean NONE. Is she burnt out? Is it wrong for me to feel cheated that I'm getting the "leftovers?" I need help because this is really beginning to bother me.

Answer 1

Your wife has obviously had some traumatic experiences, my professional opinion is to try to get her to forget about her past and realize she only needs to think about the now, try to get her more stimulated by exiting her, don't think of her like others do as "damaged goods", take pride in her, she is your wife, and if all goes well, you will spend the rest of your life with her, just try to keep her good spirited and if you suceed, she should very happy and a "prize", no longer "damaged goods", she will realize that you have faith in her and that you really care about her, remember, the quickest way to a woman's heart is affection ^^

-Zeta
Psy. D.

Answer 2

You know her past, you know about her low self esteem and that is probably what is affecting her sex drive. Women with history of sexual abuse tend to shy away from all kind of physical contact, any type of sexual advances tends to remind them of the abuse. The best way to help her with this is to be supportive, and counseling.

As for your other question, you are the only one that can decide if your wife is "damaged goods" or "leftovers". If what she is going through is too much for you to help her with, then your answer might be yes, if it isn't then no she is not. Your wife is going to need a lot of help and understanding from you, but it has been my experience that the bigger the problem is, the greater the reward is when you work through it. Good Luck! Hope you can find happiness in your marriage.

Answer 3

Your wife seems to be under a false inpression that is rampant in our society. In our society, it has become the "standard" that a person has their "wild teenage and college years," then "settles down to get married." This is so backwards! There shouldn't be anything you've done with a boyfriend/girlfriend you're not willing to share with your husband/wife. You don't give the gold lined silver box to the casual fling, then give a paper bag to the husband. You give what is more special to the more special person.

You have a lot of people here telling you that you need to be careful of her feelings, that you're being selfish, to go to counciling, etc. What about your feelings? Seriously, I think she's being selfish, holding out on you what she would never hold out on a boyfriend. She's trapped you, and now there's nothing you can do without making yourself the bad guy. She doesn't "have to" have sex, and it's been used to hurt her, so she's going to use not having it to hurt you. Is hat love?

Tell her that you feel second place to her boyfriends. If she loves you, then she won't want you to feel that way. Suggest couciling as an alternative, but in my experience most of the girls who realize that they've made their husbands (that they love) less than they made their boyfriends, they do a full reverse course. There might be psycological damage, and in those cases seeing a professional is the only way to fix it, but unless that's the case, she needs to stop being selfish, and if that is the case she needs to stop being selfish and start seeking help.

And before anyone gets on my case for being inconsiderate of her situation, I was sexually abused from five years old to ten years old by a close family friend, I know what she's going through. Putting my wife through sexual hell just because I had been there would be mean spirited, so I don't do it. Which isn't so say we see eye to eye on all sexual issues, but we fight fair when we don't: I don't bring up my past to hide behind, and she doesn't go out of her way to use things from my past to hurt me.

Answer 4

Yes your wife is experience . . . but it is not the right type of experience. Look, she had many of tramatic experiences and a long sexual history . . . she may tend to get bored with sex and is probably psychologically damaged . . . but you have to take to counseling, which you have already mentioned that she won't go. I will tell you the reason why in that question.

Believe me . . . I understand your feelings of being cheated and ending up with sloppy not even seconds more like 37th/38th. I had friends go through the same thing.

My suggestion is to learn to live without it . . . or tell her that if she wants some, for her to make the first move . . . meanwhile, since she is mentally unable to do anything right now . . . I am not justifying it, but you may need to find someone else to do the heavy lifting. And don't just do it behind her back . . . tell her that you will do it, but you would perfer to do it with her because you love her, but you have needs too.

Answer 5

This is a picture of my best friends wife. She went to counseling, got her self esteem back and divorced my friend. Now she has gone on a diet lost a bunch of weight that she gained while depressed and is a happy person. This person is still not interested in any relationships or sex at all to this day about a year later.

Answer 6

I think you have loved her all you can and now are running on empty. You've loved her with your protection, shelter, money, home, caring and much much more. You have given a whole lot, but if she doesn't give back you will grow resentful. Men are stupid simple creatures. Men like sex and feel that be receiving the gift of a woman's body that this is in direct connection to how much they love us. In part its true and its not true. Loving is giving, its not giving in the way we like, but in the way our partner likes. If she can't love you in the way you like then you need to talk to her and explain this. If she still can't then I would say end it, because you can only give so much before the love in your dries up.

Answer 7

Ask your wife why she lost her sex drive. It could be that all the running around in her earlier days has burnt her out, or she could be severely depressed (who would blame her?) The important thing is to talk to her about it, openly with out any judgement... the past is the past, and you shouldn't base your fears on that. Try councelling, try spicing things up, but most importantly remember why you fell in love with her in the first place...

Answer 8

your wife has been threw alot, maybe whats going on is at first it bothered her but not enough to affect her life with u, but maybe now that she is getting older she is realizing that she made some bad choices in her life and had alot of bad things happen to her, and it just now is starting to bother her. u no what i mean. i made alot of dumb choices in my life when i was younger and i would do anything to go back and do it over. at the time it doesnt seam bad, and even though she has got her lif on the right track now, those memories never go away they r with u for the rest of your life, so maybe just maybe she is feeling regret. not towards u, but towards the things she done. i would just tell her when u r ready to talk i am ready to listen, but dont push her, she will talk to u when she is ready. i wish u the best of luck. and i hope things work out.

Answer 9

Your wife should get some personal counseling because she's had a really really rough life.

It could be this is the first relationship where she didn't have to do anything sexual and she'd still be loved.....but that's just my guess.

Answer 10

I wouldn't worry about your sex life, but about your health. What if she has an STD??? Hopefully your marriage isn't based on sex, and what you are writting here is really not nice. These stories should only stay between you and her. Help her forget these things, and feel good about herself. Help her begin a new life. Good luck to you and her