How can I learn to listen to my wife or anyone else?

Question

I am well aware of the fact that I am NOT a good listener. For some reason I always feel like I HAVE to get my point in or the world will come to an end. I not only catch myself turning what she says around to talk about myself, but I cut her (my wife) and other people off ALL the time. I know I'm doing this and I know it needs to stop but I don't know how. I REALLY need help in this area. HELP!

Answer 1

when you find yourself, while someone is speaking, thinking of your opionion on what they are saying or your response,,,, just in your mind say "STOP",,, focus your attention of them,,,, make sure you understand what exactly they are saying,,,,,, ask them to repreat or elaborate if needed,,,,, then, what works great,, is to say something like "let me see if i understand you,,,,, you said,,,,, and summarize what they said",,,,,, (or you might say,,, let me see if i understand what your opinion/feelings on this is ,then repeat what you think their opinion was)might seem a little lame at first,,, but it will really work,,,,, and i am sure your wife will cooperate with perhaps practising this,,,,, if you know you will literally have to repeat their thoughts back to them, it will help you focus on what they are actually saying,, your mind will not wander off to your thoughts of what they are saying,,, its like most things that are habits, develop a new habit will replace your old one,,,,, so doing this,, practising it,,,, will become a new habit for you,,,, that you should start doing without thinking about,,,, but at first you will really have to concentrate,,,,, this is what helped me,, as i would always be thinking about what i was going to say, how i felt about what the person was saying etc,,,

Answer 2

Well one good thing is that you recognize that you have a problem with listening. You just need to stop interrupting. If your wife or anyone is talking to you about something, even if it doesn't interest you, just continue listen, don't interrupt or change the subject because that's rude. You probably wouldn't appreciate it if people cut you off all the time or if they didn't listen to you. You have to start to understand that your opinion is not always the most important one in a room. Once you begin to see other peoples opinons as equal to your own then this problem will dissolve. Just try and remember that your wife is an equal to you, you are partners so no one's opinion is better then the other and each person deserves the right to speak their opinion and to have one different then yours. Good Luck with everything.

Answer 3

There's good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're fighting biology. Meyers-Briggs demonstrated that your personality type is inate.

My guess is that if you were to take a Meyers-Briggs test you would find that you are highly intuitive (like 15 or better). That is why you take a little bit of information and start to instantly formulate a response - even before you have a complete set of facts. I recognize your predicament because Meyers-Briggs shows me as an 18 for this personallity factor...

The good news is that with a little work you can overcome your own natural tendencies. You will always be intuitive. Nothing you can do about that. But you can learn a new skill set that will make you more socially viable in our culture.

I try to practice active listening. By that I mean rephrasing what I think I heard the other party say to make sure I have a clear understanding of the content before I respond. If you were in my office having this conversation, before I answered you I hope I would say, "If I understand you correctly, you're concerned that you're not a very good communicator. Specifically your worried that you have a tendency to cut people off, formulate responses when you feel you should be listening and you feel compelled to get in the last word. Is that about right?"

By forcing yourself to look for content (knowing you're going to have to feed it back) you are not only validating the other person you are making a conscious decision to listen to his or her message. Sometimes people can take this to an almost condescending extreme. If you're going to use active listening, you have to be genuine about your intent. That being said you may find it a very valuable tool in perserving your interpersonal relationships with those who don't share your intuitive bent.

Answer 4

Common problem but at least you recognize it.Most people with this problem never even take the time to recognize what they do is wrong,so in that you are on the right track.
First off you can start by not being so offended by the words of others.That's the biggest reason you do this.You feel the instant need to stand up for yourself.You need to tell yourself to "stop" and give your chance to hear what is being said and analyze it without getting too protective,cause if your not really listening your not getting half the truth someone is trying to tell you.No ones perfect,not you, not them but calming yourself down and realizing they are just hitting you with words not daggers and you will live regardless of them.Its then you will be able to take better constructive criticism.In life we must all learn from others at times,and most times the clearest picture is the one from the person on the outside looking in.You should know yourself well enough to know who you are inside and whats the truth and whats not.Don't lie to them or kid yourself and you wont find the need to cut them off.If they are right, they are right.Accept it and figure out how your going to put it to good use in the future.
Good luck!

Answer 5

Being aware of what you do is a real good start. (Seriously.)

You don't have a problem with listening, you have a problem with hearing. You listen fine; but what you're listening for is the sound of their voice to stop while you think about what you're going to say next.

You have to approach listening as an activity rather than sitting idly by. Focus on the speaker, and make an active effort to comprehend what they're saying.

This is about them. It's not "like when you..."; it's just not about you at all.

Most importantly, give up the need to be right. If you think about it, in five years it won't likely matter anyway.

Answer 6

Relax. You just have a habit you no longer want. What you need to do to get out of that habit is to take on a daily discipline.

This is a task that needs to be accomplished on a daily basis. You do this just to do it, but you also do it to correct and mold your character.

I would recommend a daily discipline around listening. Let me tell you a couple of things about listening.

The person listening has all the power

A good listener:

Doesn't fidget
Doesn't think about what to say next
Doesn't interrupt
Doesn't think about work or baseball
Looks the speaker in the eye
Acknowledges the speaker occasionally

So what I would do is commit to listen to my wife for at least 10 minutes every day. That means LISTEN! Shut your mouth, shut your brain, and really HEAR what she is saying. After doing this for a while you may begin to notice that what she says and what she means are often two different things.

For example: I listen to my wife all the time. One day she says to me that she's just too tired to do her chores that night. When I heard behind what she was saying, I realized that she was asking me to do her chores. So I asked her if she wanted me to do her stuff and surprisingly she said yes and was very grateful.

You can do it!!!!!!!!!

FP

Answer 7

There are two reasons why you NEED to have your point. One is that when you were little you felt no one knew you existed or even cared how you thought about anything. So now as an adult you feel the NEED to HAVE IT!
Now the second reason. It's also an issue of control. You NEED to control and be in control of every aspect of your life. These two things are tough to understand, but if you realize you HAVE to TRUST your wife that she's there with you because she loves you and wants too, sit down with her and ask her forgiveness. Then when you feel that surge coming to control and HAVE your opinion first, just tell yourself to be quiet, calm, and relax. Then you will be able to see the fruits of what listening really brings to a relationship, and that's for ALL relationships.

Answer 8

Awareness of this problem is the first step. Decide today that you are going to stop this. Every time you catch yourself...remember that life as you know it can only get better if the people around you are happier. When someone has to have the last word, they are usually argumentative. People will really start noticing the difference after a while.
Good luck!

Answer 9

As I am writing this, I am going through a divorce. I think the biggest thing here is for you to stop and think about what you are going to say in response to her before you even open your mouth. I know that is the biggest issue that I had with my spouse. He was constantly telling me to shut up, or interrupting me before I was done.
I know that I've done what you do as well. I think we all have at some point or another. When I realize I'm doing it, I stop and take a deep breath. Not only does it stop me from talking it gives me a chance to think about what I've just said and how it may be taken by the person I'm talking to.
Your going down a dangerous path when all you do is end up talking about yourself. My spouse is like that as well. If he couldn't have the last word then he'd just talk over you. Having un-equal communication was what ruined my marriage...I hope it doesn't ruin yours.
regards,
~phoenix~

Answer 10

I've found that if you just sit down and talk with someone, and actively participate in the conversation while still maintaining the same subject, it makes it much easier...I avoid cutting people off by a) waiting for a pause in the conversation, b) saying "Sorry, but is it all right if I mention something" or c)allowing them to finish their bit before continuing on about your thoughts. You could even just make yourself remember what you wanted to say or write it down so that you're not in a rush to say what you were thinking. Also, ask her to just interrupt you if you rudely cut her off or change the conversation. She'll know that you are aware of what you do, and she'll be happy that you're trying to change your habit! I hope this helps, Good Luck!

Answer 11

My friend, In my 58 years, and 6 marriages, I have learned the hard way, that most of the times, NOTHING IS THE BEST THING TO SAY... By adopting my theory, you not only listen to your wife's every word, but you also never say anything you will be sorry for later... When you do finally speak, it will be words that you have thought about for some time, and not something that just comes off the wall...

Rimrock57..