What should I do?

Question

I just had a huge row with my husband over money. I found out that he spent £300 on doing up his garage to put dogs in it. He uses them to go out rabbiting. He spent the money a week before xmas and it's just been set up. He used his birthday money and a loan from his mother. We have 2 small children and because money was a bit tight I spent my birthday and christmas money off my family on christmas shopping and presents so I wouldn't go into my overdraft. I work part time and he works full time. I need my haircut because the last time was 6 months ago, I need new clothes because mine are getting old and scruffy now, I never spend money on my self and I keep seeing that he's taken £20 out of my account and now I'm overdrawn. I have to buy food shopping and pay the mortgage on part time wages, I get working tax credit too so that comes in handy. I can't trust him, should I leave?

Lady Hewit, I have a part time job, I would like a full time job but he won't let me. I also have my own account but he takes my card and withdraws money all the time.

I think you can still use dogs for rabbiting, I think it's fox hunting that's illegal now, not sure but I hate it anyway

My money is used for as many bills as possible, my job does pay well even though it's part time. He gets nearly £1200 after tax a month a month, which goes on electric, the car, council tax, I can't remember all of them exactly. I do ask him about it but he gets annoyed with me. I'm not very good at putting my point across in an arguement and he ends up going up his mothers so nothing ever gets solved. I want to know how to assert myself! He's so old fashioned, he thinks that men are the head of the family and women are ther to raise kids. When I lived with my parents my mother wore the trousers lol. It's getting me down now, I don't know if I want to live with someone like that, but is that unfair on the kids? I don't want them to have divorced parents.

Answer 1

I dont know if you should leave thats really hard to answer. I think that you did an honourable thing as far as christmas is concerned. Your husband is taking his hobbie very seriously and proberbly feels as though he has spent the money wisely and I will hazard a guess he see's it as his money....He has been inconsiderate towards you and his children. Can't he see how hard it is for you to manage his spending in this way. I don't think he should have access to your bank account though.I would suggest you change the pins....but this could cause friction in your marriage .......and your marraige is already under a strain. I think you should talk to him. Write a list of what he pays and what you pay....point out that your money has bills to pay also and you don't budget for his hobbies....explain that you try not to use your overdraft unless the children need something (even if they don't....and even if you don't) A bit of sound advice that I will give you is .....if your unhappy and you don't know if your marraige is strong enough open a savings account have your family credit paid into it (rebudget) and save for your future...Take care XX

Answer 2

It would be easy to say leave him , but you have two small kids who need a stable relationship with their mum and dad.

First you need to make sure that he can never get access to your account again. If this means leaving your card somewhere safe at work or a friend's house, so be it.

Next, if you cannot make him see reason and have a balanced discussion with him about money matters, then stop feeding him . Let him eat the children's leftovers. Keep your shampoo , deodorant etc locked away so he has to buy his own or do without.

Little things that say " Hey we have a partnership here and only one of us has been doing the giving."

I am sure he is indulging his inner child and telling himself that he has worked for his money and he is putting a roof over your and the kids head; so he can feel good about himself.

Does he pay the utility bills or does that fall to you as well?

Look what ever you earn, be it one pound a day or 100 you have to put the first hour's pay away for you and you alone. Save it, pay it into a saving fund anything that makes it truly yours- and don't feel bad about it.

It is your future money. If you do that , you will not feel so resentful and you may both be able to sit down and discuss it as adults without bringing recrimination to the table.

Good luck and stay strong.

Answer 3

Well yes he does need to be told that moneys tight and that you need to make sure that you have enough money in the bank to pay the bills.
If he's spending £300 on his hobbies, maybe you should suggest that you get to spend the same amount on yourself as he is on his hobbies. So instead of him spending £300 on his garage, maybe you could suggest trying to split the amount so you can get your hair done, and new clothes an then he can spend his share on whatever he likes.

I know that these things take time and willing on both sides, but you need to do what's right for the kids. If that means you have to shout at him to get your point across, do it, if it makes things better between you. Things might get easier once he is aware of what you are feeling and your needs. His kids should come before any hobby, and he needs to learn that.

Hope you can sort it out.

Answer 4

Isn't rabbiting with dogs illegal? Anyway, it is lowlife chav behaviour and for that alone I would leave him. And if someone kept taking £20 out my account I would close the account - and leave.


**** You're right - it is legal for the moment. Just a thought - if he is working full-time, why is he taking your money? What is he spending his money on? Is he maybe gambling on his dogs etc? I think you need to know more about what he is doing - the money is the tip of the iceberg, is it not?

Answer 5

change your password, don't give it to him, keep your money separated, if it doesn't get any better, leave him. more marriages end due to money problems than most other things. both spouses need to be accountable to the other when making purchases, but usually the partner will see this as something controlling, and not appreciate it. if money is tight, ask him if he will allow u to get a full time job, to catch things up. but the real problem, is that he feels he has the right to spend on whatever he chooses, even if it puts a financial burdon on his family.

Answer 6

No don't leave him he needs help...doesn't he? Don't tell him to go to a counselor he'll probably just get mad and spend more money. Set up an appointment for a financial consultant to work out your retirement..at least tell him that's what you going for. Then they will set up a payment schedule for all house hold expenses and allowances for you and your husband to spend as you like. This will appeal to him and allow for other bills to be taken care of with out too much fuss.

Answer 7

a million) you gotta initiate trusting human beings. You`ll in all danger be harm by some, even even though it could be few to the actual human beings accessible. 2) guard your mum and dad 3) porn is great! 4) college =/= happiness 5) like somebody reported "push-ups". Any actual dedication improves the soul 6) in certainty, any dedication to a minimum of a few thing will strengthen the soul for it transcends you. And appropriate now buddy, you're caught in an destructive photograph of "you" 7) money is over valued 8) paintings on the 1st 7 and you gained`t experience so "broken" and "unfix-able" 9) purely you have any danger of achieving this

Answer 8

Talk with him and tell him how you feel.... Be honest and maybe you should offer to go to counseling with him and also try to talk with some financial planner with your husband to try to get your finances in order.... Maybe you should get a part time job and save some money for yourself and the kids.... Get your own account that he cannot access and make sure you have your own money in there . Hope this helps some and no dont leave him .... You need to work on this problem and offer to get him help and you go with him.

Answer 9

You are in a tough situation specially if you love your husband.. one thing though if you want to stop him from withdrawing money from your account then you should changed your pin number immediately, following that you should tell him how you feel and that its now becoming a serious danger to your relationship. if that don't help go stay with mom for a fe w days.

Answer 10

Talk to him about his selfishness. Tell him the children and the household expense should come first. If anything is left then he can use it for his hobbies. Also, tell him you need a little pampering money every so often. If he does not understand then tell him you feel you should separate for a while.